I’ve struggled with depression that’s been largely existential for going on 12 years now, so I definitely understand where you’re coming from. My thoughts can be very nihilistic, and going down these existential rabbit holes can make many aspects of living incredibly difficult.

For so long, I’d send myself down these spirals looking for some kind of meaning behind it all that I couldn’t find. Is there a purpose to life? Is there an afterlife? Some higher power or reason we exist? Then, not long ago, I came to a realization that may seem like it would worsen my depression at first glance, but was actually a complete game changer for me… I don’t matter.

I don’t believe that I matter, at least on an existential scale, and strangely enough, that belief has been incredibly freeing for me.

I’ve accepted that existence is so much larger than myself and that I don’t need to understand it. Maybe I will someday, but I am perfectly fine with being inconsequential. Everything seems so much bigger than me, and I will probably have a very minimal impact in the grand scheme of things. And that’s fine. I like it that way, actually, because I don’t need to put pressure on myself to achieve some great purpose if I don’t believe I need to have one in the first place.

Rather than worrying about what may be, I can just let myself enjoy my life while I have it. I still live by a moral code that prevents me from doing intentional harm, and I still wonder about existence and reality, but letting myself let go of the idea that it all needs to mean something has allowed me to actually experience life in a way I didn’t before. I know I mean something to the people in my life, but the world will move on with or without me, so I can just let myself be and try to make the most of what I have.

I don’t know if this line of thinking would help you in any way, but I personally feel a lot better now because of it.