God, as Experienced, and as Metaphysical Speculation PART 4: Psychological Games
Playing with Morals:
I have acquired and developed many games for playing with one’s unconscious, and for playing with morals. I wrote a book called, “Playing with Morals”, which goes into much more depth. I will list the games in brief here.
Do not attempt to play more than 1 game at a time, or else you will burn yourself out. Most of what we do are actually habits, so when it comes to self-improvement, it’s best to try to acquire 1 new habit at a time. Our brains can’t handle too many new things at once. But a new habit will stick without feeling that one is expending any extra effort to keep it stuck.
Prayer/introspection is good to do frequently. I don’t think it’s possible to overdo it, unless you are doing it when there is some material problem that needs urgent attention.
A Psychological Model:
I developed the following psychological model while I was living at a monastery: (Value) + (Perceived Event) -> Emotion -> Thought -> Action.
In brief, emotions are not a fundamental aspect of experience; they are derived. To change your emotions, you have to change either your values, or your perception of events. For instance, if you’re mad that somebody stole your money, you can only get rid of your anger either by not caring about the money anymore, or by realizing that you had just lost the money, and that nobody had stolen it.
Every emotion has a logic to it. Anger is the emotion you feel when you realize somebody is attacking something you care about. Sadness is the emotion when you realize that you’ve lost something of value. Relief is the emotion when you realize that you’ve lost something bad. Happiness is the acquisition of something good. Contentedness is the possession of good things.
If you are unsure of your true values, you can take note of when you have an emotional experience, recall the thoughts you had at the time, and figure out the missing piece. I was not good at understanding my emotional state as a young man, and this formula was a great help to me.
Changing your values is the most fundamental way to change yourself, since they are at the core of your personal control system. If you want to change your values, tell yourself repeatedly that you care about a certain thing, and when an opportunity comes to act on that value, do it. Your true values are whatever you act on. I find that if I do this, eventually I can get myself to feel the way I think I ought to feel about almost anything. The appropriate emotional experiences really do come on their own when I get my values sorted out. I have cleaned the inside of my cup, so now the outside of my cup is also clean without me having to worry about it.
But some things are not emotional in nature. Lust and hunger, for instance, come from the body (or lust comes at least partially from the body).
The first time I used this technique, I realized that when I am “hangry” (grumpy due to hunger), it means that I care about my gut more than the people that I am being grumpy with. The realization was humiliating, so whoever I became grumpy again, I felt humiliated, and the grumpiness went away. So, it’s been several years now since I’ve been “hangry”. I had thought before that being “hangry” was an innate part of my personality, but it actually wasn’t. I can’t stop the feeling of hunger (that comes from my body), but it is not necessary to react emotionally to bodily sensations.
The Glad Game:
I got the “Glad Game” from a book called “Pollyanna”. The game is basically to think of a reason to be glad in a given situation. The first example given in the book was that the young girl, Pollyanna, was receiving a gift as charity, and was hoping for a toy. She ended up getting crutches, and was disappointed. Her father told her, “You can at least be glad that you don’t need them.” There are many other such examples in the book.
I have heard that “Pollyanna” is a naive and childish book. I do not agree. The point of the book is not that bad things don’t happen. Pollyanna is orphaned, goes to live with an aunt who dislikes her, and at the end of the book is hit by a car and paralyzed. The point of the book is not that bad things don’t happen, but that you have control over your attitude.
I think that Pollyanna actually communicates one of the secrets of the universe — that we have absolute power to control our attitude.
Whether the sky is sunny or cloudy is an objective fact. If you declare that the sky is sunny when it is cloudy, people will think you are crazy, or they may argue with you. But if you declare that the sky is beautiful and that seeing it has made the day worth it, no one can argue with you. With respect to your ability to declare value, you have the power of God. So long as I am alive, I can value things as I wish, and if I believe it, it will be true, at least to me. This is a genuinely inalienable right , and possibly the only one.
When it comes to subjective things, belief and truth really are identical. There is no difference, for example, between believing that vanilla is your favorite ice cream, and vanilla actually being your favorite ice cream. Just be careful not to declare something as a value when it is actually a fact or system of logic, since we do not have power to arbitrarily change these things by an act of will.
A Thought Experiment:
It is possible to imagine that everything good is something that positively exists, and that everything bad is simply the loss of that good. For instance, the life of a man is good, and murder is bad because it takes away the life of the man.
You can take an even more extreme example. Suppose that all life on Earth died. Would Earth be evil then? I think it would be morally the same as Mars then, and we do not think of Mars as being evil.
So, pain cannot make life on the whole a net negative, since pain is a sign of deterioration of health, so that the pain cannot exist except when there was the positive good of health to begin with.
So, it is evident that it is possible to imagine that existence is on the whole good, regardless of whatever circumstances there are. So, it ought always in principle to be possible to practice the glad game. Maybe if there were a nuclear war that would kill all people, the last person could at least be glad that the rock that is the Earth would still be there (this would require thinking that existence itself is good, even it is has no utility to a living being). Or, alternatively, he could be glad that there was a time when people did exist, and imagine that it was better for people to exist for a while than not at all.
Now, if there were some kind of artificial situation where a person was tortured indefinitely without dying, maybe that situation really would be a net evil. But most of the time, a person cannot suffer too much without dying, and then he won’t suffer anymore.
Dream Interpretation:
I sometimes interpret my dreams after the manner of Carl Jung. That is, I believe that my dreams are messages from my unconscious mind. Usually the message is about myself, or some situation that I am going through. The unconscious mind thinks in symbols, so that’s what the dreams are. Dreams are symbols of what has been on your mind recently. Since I often have trouble interpreting the symbols, I reference a website called “dreammoods”, which has a dictionary of dream symbols.
I am not the first to practice dream interpretation, nor the best, so I’ll refer you to google to learn more about it. I have found that since I started exploring my inner life in my waking life as described here, I am rarely surprised anymore by anything I find in my dreams.
Choosing Music:
I think when someone sings a song, he is in effect saying, “This is what is important to me!” When someone listens and takes in uncritically someone else’s music, he’s also taking in the same value that the other person expressed. So, I think that listening uncritically to music and looking uncritically at art really can one make one’s self dirty. One game that one can play is to judge what kind of music one wants to listen to carefully. Listening to music in a sense is training the soul what it ought to value, think, and feel. Why not teach it to think of good things rather than bad things?
One can sing or play music too. I am not terribly good at this, but I still sometimes sing songs or poems that seem meaningful to me when no one is listening. I think it is good for me.
I think when one sings music, there is the overt message being delivered (it can be words, or notes designed to inspire a certain feeling), but there is always another implicit message being made which is always the same. This other message is that it is worth it to be alive, and that life is beautiful. As discussed with the Glad Game, I think a person can arbitrarily declare any value he wants in his heart, and it will become true to him. Why not declare to one’s self and to the world what things are important to you, and more generally, that life in general is good and beautiful? This is why I think it is good for me to sing sometimes, even if I don’t sing well enough that other people would like to listen.
Killing Worry:
Worry seems by its nature to be concern over those things that one has no control over. It is by its nature futile. If you were able to change your situation, you would just do it, and not worry.
In place of worry, one might instead try to focus on those things one has control over. I remember the first time I did this, I was having a very rough time, and was thinking that I had never done anything that was not in vain, and had no control over anything. I decided to treat this as a variation of the glad game, and started by telling myself, “At least I can control what I have for breakfast.”
Killing Offense:
I believe that offense is the feeling that comes from hatred of facts, so it is always wrong. Whenever I feel offended (which very rarely happens anymore), I find out how I am trying to lie to myself.
Sometimes offense comes from the idea itself, and sometimes it comes from the fact that someone said it, or the situation in general. As an illustration of how a fact itself can be offensive, an insult is much more likely to be offensive if it has an element of truth to it (would Bill Gates be offended at being called poor and stupid, or a supermodel be offended at being called ugly?). For an example of offense at a situation, one might not be offended by Flat-Earthists (which means you don’t find any truth in what they believe in), but might be offended if you found out that they were teaching your kids (you can’t accept this particular circumstance that you don’t like).
I believe that offense can be a sign of literal insanity, since it is a sign that there is something about the objective world which you hate. I will not go into more details with examples, however, since I do not want to make other people hate me. You can figure it out by yourself if you are motivated.
Killing Envy:
Envy comes from hatred of that which is better, so, I believe it is another feeling which is always wrong.
For a while, I did not think that I felt envy, because I was not envious of people who were better at doing the things that I was good at (such as Newton or Einstein). I realized eventually, however, that I was extremely judgmental of people who were good at things that I wasn’t good at (such as singers, dancers, and people who were popular in general). I thought that those activities were unworthy and it was stupid for them to be popular for those things. I realized that this was probably a deflection so that I didn’t realize I was envious. So now, whenever I notice that I’m envious (and I recognize being overly judgmental as probably a sign of envy or of insecurity), I make myself go look at more of the same, and tell myself about how that person is better at doing that thing than I am. For instance, the first time I did this, I watched a music video of a really talented a cappella singer, and told myself how he was naturally gifted, and worked hard, and how I wished that I could do that.
Seeking Disagreement:
I had the thought once that if you want to make friends, you talk with people who think the same as you. If you want to learn, you talk to people that you disagree with. The reason is that learning can’t take place except where there was ignorance, or some other deficiency, and how are you going to find that by sticking with what you already know?
I decided that I wanted to learn, so I resolved only to seek out conversation with people that I didn’t already agree with. I did not do this with the goal of debunking, but whenever I came across an idea that I wasn’t already in agreement with, I imagined that everything I believed in was wrong, and everything they said was right, and imagined what the consequences were of those beliefs. If the beliefs were self-consistent and fit the world better than my previous beliefs, I adopted the new beliefs. Then I might go back and do the same with my old beliefs. I did this almost entirely online. I did this for a period of 2 years, before I got tired of debunking the same silly ideas over and over again. But on a number of issues, my mind was changed, and where my mind wasn’t changed, I was more certain than I had been before. By the end of the period, there was no name for much of what I believed in, and there was no person with whom I could stand side-by-side and look in the same direction. With respect to choosing between friendship and knowledge, I had truly reaped what I had sown.
The Holy Shoemaker’s Game:
While I was living at a monastery, I heard a story which I have since thought quite a bit about.
This is how the story goes. In a city, long ago, there lived a great saint. One day, while the saint was praying, an angel came to him, and told him that there was somebody else in his city who was more spiritually developed than he was. The saint asked to meet this person. The angel brought the saint to a shoemaker. The saint observed the shoemaker for a while, but saw nothing remarkable about him. He asked the shoemaker, “What do you do all day?’ The shoemaker replied: “I just look out the window while I am working and think to myself about how everybody walking by is better than me.” The saint was astonished, and then left.
There was something about the story that I did not like when I first heard it. I thought that it did not make sense that the shoemaker was the best person in in town according to God, but he did not know that. This story is obviously supposed to be a lesson in humility. The shoemaker is obviously an expert in humility. But in what other subject is it possible to be an expert, and to not know that you are an expert? Would it not be strange for the greatest athlete, or scientist, or businessman in the world to not know that they were skilled at their craft? I puzzled over this for a while, and the puzzling eventually led me to the “pride filter” which I describe in the next section.
There is another thing I found suspect in the story. How can the shoemaker judge his whole person to be worth less than other persons? It did not make sense to me. I eventually came around to the idea that maybe he meant that he observed particular ways in which other people were better. I cannot know if this is how he actually meant it, but this seems more reasonable to me, both from a logical and a psychological perspective.
It may sometimes be reasonable to judge one person to be better than another person in a particular attribute. For instance, one man may be smarter than another man. But it would rarely be the case that one man is better than some other man in every single way. Suppose one man is smart, and another man is kind. Which man is worth more? It seems to me that there is no objective basis on which to answer that question. Perhaps if one man has many more positive qualities than another man, then we may venture to guess that he is worth more on the whole. But even when we think in general that one person is greater than another, we cannot honestly dare to guess a specific number. Probably focusing too much on who is worth more than whom is not good for one’s psychological health either.
From the personal and psychological perspective, noticing those particular things which other people do better than one’s self is good for self-improvement and for keeping one’s self grounded.
There is one aspect to the story that I thought was humorous. God acted so as to preserve the humility of both the saint and the shoemaker. He let the saint know that he was number 2, but didn’t let the shoemaker know that he was number 1.
Pride Filter:
I had the thought once that if pride consists of lies that are told to make the self feel better, then I need to find pride when I feel good. After some thought, I came up with the following filter:
These are the only 2 valid reasons to feel good:
1. Gratitude for something I had no hand in.
2. Self-congratulation for good effort.
I rejected any good feeling that didn’t fit into one of these 2 categories. It was exhausting at first, but got easier with practice. It would not have been possible if I wasn’t already well-practiced in using my psychological model to identify my inner state. Also, since it was so exhausting, I gave myself a pass when I was tired. The exhaustion did not only come from the mental activity involved, but it also caused emotional exhaustion from denying myself so many pleasures.
I believe that these are the only 2 legit reasons to feel good about the self, because our effort is the only thing that we have the experience of being able to control. Everything else is outside of our control.
I think it cannot be bad to congratulate one’s self for good effort, because nobody else had a hand in it, and feeling good about doing good will make us want to do good again.
What Does it Feel Like to Be Humble?
Since I created the pride filter in order to know objectively how humble I am, I may as well talk about that (this section is a discussion rather than a game).
I think, since I have a clear definition of what humility means (not lying to the self in order to improve one’s emotional state), I can speak with confidence about having it, while at the same time being genuinely humble. However, I have always found that boasting greatly of humility quickly brings pride back into my heart, and I have to make copious arguments to myself to drive it out again. Probably part of the reason that it is nigh impossible to honestly boast of humility is that there would be no reason to do it if one were not trying to puff one’s self up.
The arguments I use against myself to stop feeling good about my humility are thus: Whatever natural abilities I posses that make this possible were given to me by God (or my parents’ genes, or circumstance, if you like). Next, I had to work really hard to get this way. I can genuinely boast of that. But the effort itself is praiseworthy, rather than the result. If I lived in heaven and everybody there was a literal saint, my efforts would not be any less worthy, nor are they more worthy because I’m not surrounded by saints. Also, there is no reason to suppose that another person who put in the same effort as me with the same resources could not have made more progress than I did.
I’m trying to imagine what it would feel like to be the holiest person who ever was. I believe that however a person is, good or bad, he always feels normal to himself. So being holy would not feel special and wonderful to the one who was holy. He would probably just think that he was going about his own business. When he encountered normal people (manipulative assholes, at least to some degree), he would probably find it at least a bit disturbing, and think to himself, “These people are off their rocker!” and wonder if it were possible to help them. Since I have a history as a Christian, I see humility and holiness (at least for a human) as being basically the same thing. And humility is just being honest with the self, so, it is in God’s eyes, just acting normal, as a person should.
I do believe that people are born with a predisposition to pride. I think all animals with thoughts and emotions* desire to improve their emotional state. Humans are special in that we have abstract thought, which means that we can think about stuff that’s not tangibly real yet. That also means we can imagine stuff that will never be real, and so deceive ourselves. If we are hardwired to seek after what feels good (as I believe we are), and if we can feel good by lying, why not just lie all the time, and become utterly insane and blissful? I believe the only answer is that to stay sane, a person has to love something outside of himself more than he loves his own happiness. This love of the other (it could be another person, it could be one’s performance at work, it could be a vice, it could be God) will anchor one’s psyche to something that one can’t just imagine away. As an example, if you genuinely want to do a good job at work, you are going to look at the result of your labor and judge yourself accordingly. A person who only wants to feel good about himself may pretend to work, but will not bother to check if he has done anything that was genuinely good.
*Thinking and feeling go together, since an emotion cannot take place without recognizing a set of circumstances (which requires a model of the world, which requires thought to build), whereas something like hunger (not an emotion) comes straight from body.
Give Glory to God:
I don’t practice the pride filter as consistently as I used to, because I have replaced it with this game instead. I agree with Paul from the New Testament that it is better to focus on what is good, than to focus on not doing what is bad. I figure if I am giving glory to God, then I’m not giving glory to myself, and therefore it is not pride.
I haven’t figured this game out as well as the other ones. But I have told myself consistently that this is what I want to do (and after some time, I felt inspired to write this essay).
Some things I have figured out:
If there is something I have done which I feel good about, whatever is truly good in what I have done must be reflected in the infinite potential that is God (whether this God is actually a person or not). So, when I do something good, I try to see how it is a partial reflection of greater truths.
I like to play video games a lot, and I used to of course prefer it when I won. I have recently been practicing the idea (unless I am extremely tired) not to play a game unless it’s hard enough that I’m not certain I will win. Sometimes I play games on purpose that I know I will lose. And when an opponent beats me, if he played well, I try to see the good in that and feel good for him the same way I would feel good for myself if I had been clever and won instead.
I suppose the general idea I have come up with so far is to see what good I do the same as the good that other people do, and try to see all that is good as a reflection of general truths and general goodness that would exist in the abstract even if none of us were here.
And then of course, there is general curiosity about how the world works. Trying to understand and see beauty in what God has made is another way of giving glory to him.
Conclusion:
God, as has been previously conceived, can be experienced in three ways that closely align to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in Christianity.
The “Father” (Creator) cannot be known except by rational arguments that are merely plausible, rather than definite. In other words, we speculate, but do not know.
The “Son” (Logos, or logic) is known my modern people through science and math. I know that Christianity claims the Logos was man, but I cannot verify that claim, whereas I can verify claims made by math and science. Considering that science has been so fantastically successful, modern people have even more reason to believe that there is an ordering principle to the universe than ancient people did. I think modern people ought to seriously consider the possibility that the love of math and science was originally formulated by their ancestors as love of the Logos, and that in the abstract, they love a very similar God to their ancestors, although they call him by a different name. I suppose the biggest difference that would be pointed out is that modern people do not believe that truth is a person. That claim, indeed, cannot be verified except by this person coming and introducing himself and showing by plausible signs that he is who he says he is. But read the beginning of Genesis, and the beginning of the gospel of John; the descriptions of God given there are not inconsistent with the idea that God is math (or the source of math), and that this is the ordering principle of existence. Then there is also the fact that much of the West’s moral foundation (such as the primacy and dignity of the individual) has Christianity as a foundation.
I have not discussed math and science much in this essay, because our culture is already very good at doing this.
The “Holy Spirit” is the inner self that aims for what is best. Christians historically believed that this was connected to the creator and orderer of the universe, but for skeptical people, this is hard to verify. But what is plainly evident is that each person does have an inner voice, if he is willing to listen to it. And since this highest of voices within ourselves aims at what is highest, it seems appropriate that sharing techniques for self-transformation may aid in coming to know him.