On my evening walk tonight I was reflecting on this whole debate about existential questions being provoked by or provoking religious belief and something kind of interesting struck me. This is kind of a long personal narrative, with a relevant moral by the end.
For almost my entire life I've been a natural Absurdist, not in the sense that I'd read and endorsed Camus, but in that by the time I eventually did get around to reading him, his third approach to the Absurd, besides nihilism and existentialism, seemed a big "no duh" to me. Yeah, obviously, you don't just give up, or retreat into a happy fantasy, you do whatever you can with life in the moment and don't stress and worry about things you can't control. Or, in terms of the famous Serenity Prayer, having both the serenity to accept things I can't change and the courage to change things I can came easy to me (and the only point of stress was trying to tell the difference: is this a fight I should fight or something I should just let slide?)
So people fretting about "the meaning of life" always seemed silly to me, almost an anti-philosophical question, or a parody of real philosophy. You need a method of telling true from false and a method of telling good from bad, sure, and there's lots of interesting philosophical questions to investigate to figure out what's the right way of doing either of those, but those are things that can be done, there are solutions (even if not everybody agrees on which is the right one), and what more do you want besides that? What is this "meaning of life" you're looking for? Whats does "meaning" even mean to you!? (That interrobang is to convey past-me's frustration with this topic, not present-me).
But then early last winter something happened to me. I thought I caught some kind of horrible cold or flu at first, but then I feared it might be something worse. I was congested and nauseous, sure, but also short of breath, constipated, hungry and full at the same time, hot and cold at the same time, my limbs started going numb, I was dizzy, my heart was pounding and racing, and eventually I couldn't sleep, at all, for a week straight. I thought I was having some kind of heart problem, I was genuinely afraid I was about to die, so I went to my doctor, and she said... that's anxiety. Those are all symptoms of anxiety, the circulatory and respiratory problems are all from sympathetic nervous system activation, the digestive problems are all from the consequent suppression of the parasympathetic nervous system. I was having a panic attack. One big continuous panic attack that wouldn't stop, but still.
"But doc", I said, "I'm not anxious about anything, other than now I'm anxious about dying from whatever the fuck is happening to my body." I had thought that I had "had anxiety" for at least a decade prior, but it was never anything even remotely like this; I now think I never actually had anxiety at all until this winter, I just had stress about real problems in my life. But my life was going fine at the time this started, there was nothing to feel anxious about, and I didn't feel like I was anxious about anything, I just felt like my body was freaking out for no reason. She gave me some medicines and prescribed some lifestyle changes to help mitigate the problem, and I started sleeping some again, and digesting a little bit, and so being less congested, and most of the severe physical symptoms went away for the most part, but the baseline jitters remained, feelings that I could then recognize as clearly anxiety, now that the flu-like side-effects of that were gone.
So months and months wore on, and though I hadn't started out feeling anxious
about anything, I
found things to be anxious about. Things I had always known about, nothing new that I learned, just stuff I had always been aware of and prudently not stressed about because there's no point in stressing about it, I suddenly found consuming my every waking thought. Fear of sickness and aging and my own death, fear of the collapse of civilization due to things like climate change or nuclear war, fear of the death of the Earth itself over the natural evolution of the sun, and most of all fear of the "inevitable" heat death of the universe. Even though that's the most remote of those things to worry about, it's the one I fixated on the most.
I tried to turn my mind to unimportant things in the present to distract myself, but all of the media I consumed was full of tragedy and conflict and suffering and death, which I used to find poignant and beautiful, but now it just filled me with horror. Even cute little animals turned dark in my mind, as facts about the food chain and of how death drives evolution, which had just been abstract science facts to me before, suddenly made all of sentient existence open up like a gaping maw of horror, all of reality seeming like a terrifying pointless meat grinder, all beautiful young creatures being born full of hope and blissfully unaware of how they were already falling to their gruesome deaths. I found myself unable to stomach the thought of eating meat in light of that, and became a vegetarian because of it.
So I started searching for "the meaning of life". I didn't even know what I was looking for, just some thought to alleviate that anxiety about the horror of reality. I had always found myself fantasizing about things being better in whatever way was stressing me out before, but now I found myself unable to even think of what "better" could possibly be. I found myself wanting to turn to religion, wishing that I could believe, but I couldn't, not with everything I already knew about philosophy and science, and I couldn't even find comfort in fantasizing about what if religious beliefs were true, because they didn't offer any resolution to the fundamental problems that were really twisting me up inside.
I felt like my whole life I had been somehow ignoring this huge problem that now consumed me; I had known all the facts I knew now, about all of those things I was so worked up and afraid of, but the significance of them hadn't sunk in ever before, and now it was. A part of me wished that I could go back to that ignorant bliss, but then another part of me, the part of me that never turns away from a problem until it's solved, said "No! Keep thinking about this until you think of a way out of it!"
But then, over the course of this past year since that all started, sometimes, the anxiety would subside. I would go back to feeling the way I always used to feel, and look back on earlier that day or earlier that week when I was all worked up about all of that stuff, and feel like I had been silly to feel that way, and that the calm, relaxed attitude I now had toward the same facts, the kind of attitude I had always had my whole life, was a much more prudent way of thinking. I didn't feel like I was hiding in ignorant bliss, I was remembering exactly all of the thoughts that I had been so worked up about, but in my calm state of mind, I could see how pointless it was to worry about them, to worry about the "meaninglessness of life". And then when I went back into an anxious state again, I would try desperately to remember whatever it was that I had thought to clear my mind before, I felt like I had found some solution and then forgotten it and couldn't get it back now. But when I "got it back", and was clear-minded again, there wasn't any solution: rather, it was clear that it was a phantom problem that I was stressing about in my anxious state, a vaguely imagined non-question to which no answer could be satisfactory.
I'm still struggling with that anxiety condition even now. I haven't figured out what brought it on yet, and I haven't made it go away completely, though it seems to be going away for longer and longer stretches. Just three days ago I was crying inconsolably about nothing. Yesterday I was gripped with horror about how I would spend eternity even if I did get to live forever. This morning I could barely haul myself out of bed. But right now, I don't even know why I felt that way; it seems like such an obvious non-problem. Even writing all of the above didn't make my feel anxious, though I'm afraid re-reading it in the future when I'm not so clear-minded it might.
The moral of this long story is that, having quickly shifted back and forth between those two kinds of mindsets a lot over the past year, I'm coming around to the view that
existential angst is literally just a mental health condition, and that "what is the meaning of life?" is not a meaningful question, and just asking it actually creates the unsolvable problem it's in search of a solution for. That the way my mind worked for most of my life, and is graciously working for the moment tonight, is the healthier, saner, more functional way for a mind to work, than the way that it has been working for too much of the past year, which seems to also be the way that many other people's minds have worked for much of their lives. I'm not saying that "all theists are crazy" or anything like that, but rather, with great sympathy for people who have maybe suffered from what's been afflicting me this year for all of their lives, I'm saying that maybe there's not a philosophical solution to that problem, maybe there's only a medical one.
(I've also found myself changing to be much more "like normal people" in other ways over the course of this year of anxiety. I used to be happiest alone with my own thoughts and in the dark of night, but now when I'm anxious the only little bit of respite is the company of other people and sunshine and flowers. I've actually noticed myself becoming more "like normal people" in various other ways slowly over the course of my life too, even before this year, in ways that I recognize as effects of the traumas of life; and things that I used to see as inherent deficiencies of "normal people" I now see more sympathetically as scars of the hard lives they've had to live).
On other notes:
For some reason, these discussions always seem to ignore ignosticism and it's twin sibling theological noncognitivism. — EricH
I would count ignosticism as a kind of atheism (because holding "God" to be a meaningless term implies you would not agree with the meaningless proposition "God exists"), and theological noncognitivism as a kind of theism (because you still hold that "God exists" is "true", even if that's not in the usual cognitive sense of the word; you would still assent when people say that phrase, agreeing with the emotive import of it).
But I hadn't before considered the dual relationship between those two positions, so thank you for pointing that out. Theological noncognitivism is basically theist ignosticism, or conversely ignoticism is atheist noncognitivism.
"They" are "what we are not" is simply the backwards description of atheists. Atheists lack positive belief in theism, god, or gods; nothing less, but sometimes more. — VagabondSpectre
True, but the "something more" is not definitionally relevant. People who don't play tennis may do many other activities, but none of those other activities are either necessary nor sufficient to be a "non-tennis player"; all that phrase means is that you don't play tennis.
And for the purposes of this thread at least, it doesn't matter what "tennis"
really means, just whether or not you'd say you "play tennis", whatever that means to you.