@Wosret Here's something I wrote after surfacing from over a decade of major depression. It still helps me to go back and read it once in a while, because it's so easy to slip back into judgment mode.
"Almost all of the suffering in your life will end when something very important happens - your last judgment. This is the very last time you will judge either yourself or anyone else. It's the moment when you accept yourself just the way you are, and accept everybody else just the way they are.
Judgment of self and others go hand in hand. When you believe it is acceptable to judge others, you inherently give more weight to how others judge you, and you are quite willing to impose and accept self-judgment, which is often the most damaging and hurtful kind of criticism.
When we stop judging everything – according to our beliefs, our parents' beliefs, and society's beliefs – we can see everything for what it really is, and start truly enjoying every aspect of life. Words and knowledge will become tools, rather than weapons you use to judge, blame, and condemn. Your mind will no longer be filled with incessant chatter, and the voice in your head will no longer speak against you.
In order to stop judging, you need to stop believing that people should be judged. This is not to say there shouldn’t be consequences for negative behaviour, but rather that people should not be condemned, unjustly punished, deemed inferior, or considered unworthy of love and support, no matter how wrong their actions might seem.
It is human nature to seek peace, and act with love and integrity. If someone is currently unable or unwilling to do so, it’s because whatever they’ve experienced and learned throughout their life has rendered them temporarily incapable. At this moment, they don’t have the knowledge or skills necessary to consistently make decisions and take actions that are in line with their positive human essence.
Before they’re taught how to live, infants exhibit behaviour based on the natural instinct to live and love. Except for colic – the cause of which is still generally unknown – babies will only cry when they are hungry, tired, uncomfortable, scared, or in pain. Once their basic needs have been met, they are usually peaceful and happy, simply observing and enjoying their surroundings.
It is only once they begin to observe dysfunctional behaviors in others that children begin to develop irrational beliefs, and exhibit these negative tendencies themselves. Children’s loving nature quickly becomes displaced by irrational beliefs, and obscured by the resulting negative emotions. Depending on the degree of dysfunction in their family and their society, and the strength of their human spirit, the result is anything from generally happy people that occasionally experience unnecessary suffering, to people who develop abusive personalities or mental disorders, like anxiety and depression.
Consider the following situations:
- A young boy is criticized by his parents for every mistake he makes; he develops a belief that he isn’t good enough; he begins to judge himself even more harshly than his parents did; he becomes fearful of taking chances and pursuing his dreams; he gets stuck in a ‘dead-end job’, and has no motivation to change, because he thinks that’s all he deserves; his resentment and low self-esteem make him bitter, which negatively affects his relationships with family, friends, and co-workers
- A young girl is essentially ignored by her parents; her feelings are constantly invalidated; she develops a very low sense of self-worth, and a belief that she is not worthy of being loved; she endures abuse in her relationships, because she feels that’s what she deserves; she marries an abusive spouse, and suffers through years of mistreatment; she frequently loses her temper and yells at her children, then punishes and condemns herself for doing so
You can hardly blame and condemn children – or the adults they grow into – for behaving in the very way they were taught by their parents, family, educators, and society. Prior to forming irrational core beliefs, no child would choose to become an abusive, hateful person, who lives in an almost constant state of conflict and suffering; as opposed to a person who is loving, caring, and at peace in everything they do.
Whether you realize it or not, you, along with everyone else, are always doing the best you can. If you are making poor decisions, acting in inappropriate ways, abusing yourself and others – physically, mentally, and emotionally – it’s because your innate desire to act with love and integrity has been temporarily overrun by the irrational core beliefs and associated negative emotions that have been created by your life experience to date.
Consider the example of someone trying to quit smoking. The person knows that quitting is the best decision for their physical well-being, but they don’t yet have the skills, will power, or support to make the right choice and follow through. They’ve trained their body and mind to want cigarettes, and don’t have the tools to break the habit.
How often have you known the optimal decision, but have been unable to act on it, because something is holding you back? How often have you made poor choices, knowingly or not, because of an uncontrollable urge or emotion that overrides your common sense? It’s the same as the smoker who isn’t able to quit. We’ve been trained to think and act in ways that are out of alignment with our authentic selves. Instead of being guided by our hearts, our lives are governed by irrational beliefs based on anger, resentment, envy, greed, jealousy, and fear of judgment. We know – or at least sense on some level – that something is amiss; that this is not how people are meant to live. You simply don’t have the awareness, coping skills, will power, encouragement, or support required to fully recognize the problem, and to undo decades of thinking and acting a certain way.
Your need to judge will disappear when you are finally able to believe that everyone – including you – is always doing their best, and that every person would act with love and integrity right now if they knew how."