What is a real man? — Moliere
This has been a conflicted issue for me, more earlier in life than later. I didn't fit. First, I was seriously visually impaired from birth, which has been a life-long limiting factor. (I didn't hear about partially blind, partially deaf E. O. Wilson till it was way too late for him to be a model.). Second, I am gay. This isn't an impairment, but it can require extra psychic labor to locate define and locate one's self in community.
I did have good models of manhood: my father especially, and there were uncles and family friends. My father was a steady long-time worker in the post office, and a produce gardener. He had grown up on an Iowa farm when horses were still essential, and he had a lot of general skills. He was always even tempered--something I didn't become till late in life. He supported a large family of wife and 7 children. He smoked but didn't drink. He was very active in church and small-town community life. A good man.
I wanted to be "a good man" too, but with different parameters than my father's. I often found myself up against the status quo, and resisted. Successful resistance, and if not resistance then strong criticism of the status quo was a significant piece of manliness. I was a SJW before the term was coined. As a consequence, my worklife was not particularly peaceful, nor highly remunerative. A lot of the leftists and gay activists that I admired were resisters, criticizers, and in general trouble makers for the establishment. They were "real men".
On the other hand, I consider pleasure in art, film, literature, and music also a significant part of manliness, as long as it isn't too academic, too 'fussy', too rationalized. Brandon Taylor, author of The Late Americans, excoriates the academic, fussy, feminist, POMO climate he depicts in the University of Iowa's Writers' Program through a gay student frustrated with the artificiality of it all.
Ready-to-go sexuality is also a feature of manhood. Of course I realize that there are various restrictions, boundaries, limitations, and degrees of decorum that we (try to) respect, but I expect men will be sexual when and where it is possible, and that this is a good thing.
I don't consider my definition of manhood applicable to all men. Manhood varies from the refined to the rough.
Here's refined gay Cole Porter's take on the rough man from his 1929 musical, 50 Million Frenchmen:
Find me a primitive man,
Built on a primitive plan.
Someone with vigor and vim.
I don't mean a kind that belongs to a club,
But the kind that has a club that belongs to him.
I could be the personal slave
Of someone just out of a cave.
The only man who'll ever win me
Has gotta wake up the gypsy in me,
Find me a primitive man.