Embracing depression. Mania is pretty great though, right?
I'm like bi-polar or something, probably. When I feel good, I feel like the greatest that's ever walked the earth, but most of the time I feel like a normal idiot. I think that mainly that nothing really interests me, or engages me most of the time, but when something does, I just devour it. I focus all of my attention on it, indivisibly until I bore of it too.
When I get up to date on a great manga I discovered I acquired the inspiration to move my own goals forward a little, and acquired new insights, or at least began to think of things differently, and that was pretty exciting for awhile.
After thanksgiving, I was really happy, and pleased with how things were going, and I told myself that I had everything, that I was satisfied, and that brought about a lot of energy, and enthusiasm. So much so, that I even confronted a couple of people that I'm acquainted with (three people actually, two of which I know personally in RL), because I thought that they had felt that way at one time as well. One of which had been in a car accident, and lost family, and responded emphatically about there being an afterlife. That kind of knocked me out of the stupor, and made me feel kind of shitty. Who could possibly feel that way all the time? Never love anyone? Not have it depend on social connections, love, and belonging? Those will always be shaky, impermanent and fragile.
I decided that I don't have everything. Not even close. Having more and more of my family out here with me has given me more strength, and happiness, but there are always lots of complications and hurdles. I new have my thirteen year old sister... and omg, instant parent is a difficult role. I have no fucking idea how I'm supposed to go about doing this, and I'm deeply worried that I'm going to influence her with my agoraphobic reclusive lifestyle.