My mind somehow isn't capable of accepting statements that philosophical pessimism offers. — rossii
If it helps, I struggle with this all the time. Our personalities are not of our own creation - they are socially influenced and thus the optimistic and affirmative morality of society literally bleeds into our psyche.
Wouldn't it be great if the pessimists were wrong? Wouldn't it be just fantastic if everything they said could be explained away by some flawless and satisfying reason? It seems like the existence of pessimism is itself an argument for pessimism...
The unfortunate thing is that pessimism is difficult to fully understand if you've been lucky enough to avoid some serious misfortune or have a flexible mind that allows you to ignore these memories. Another issue is how we seem prone to forgetting all the bad that has happened, downplaying negative possibilities. It's only when life starts to get rough again that you're confronted with the obnoxious and harmful nature of life and move from being sedated to being sober.
For me, at least, it's actually easier to stay in a melancholic mood than to go through radical mood changes. If I am correct, then the anxiety you feel when faced with things like suffering and death and suicide is the result of you bouncing back from an optimistic "high". It's exactly this sudden and overwhelming sense of dread that characterizes disillusionment.
But no, I don't think there is a rational reason to continue living. I think a lot of people on their death beds would not choose to re-live their lives, nor would I think unborn fetuses (if they were capable of doing so) would consent to beginning life if they saw what it entailed. But just because life is probably not worth living doesn't mean suicide is automatically the solution. If avoiding suffering is what you're after, then suicide is actually probably not the best course of action, since suicide has a tendency to fail and cause a hell of a lot of suffering. So you're stuck in a sort of penitentiary. Once life has started, it's hard to stop and you might as well just go along with the flow.
I'm also of the opinion that there's some legitimately interesting and ironic experiences to enjoy while surviving. If there's anything advantageous to being alive, it's that bitter irony and occasional sense of beauty and satisfaction that helps build an aesthetic of a life.
I am afraid I won't escape these feelings of anxiety, panic, depression abd suicidal ideation. — rossii
Like I said before, you're still in the affirmative mind-set. You need to let go of the idea that death and suffering are un-natural and contingent. As soon as you stop clenching on to life so hard, it gets a helluva lot easier and fun. Like Nietzsche said, the possibility of suicide helps comfort those in dark times. I think those who make a "pact" to themselves to never commit suicide are those who aren't emotionally mature enough to trust in their perceptions of their own well-being. If you always keep suicide in the back of your mind, and meditate on it daily, it becomes a sort of symbol of our predicament and can help ground your expectations and comprehension of the world.
For example, I find it funny when Tough Guys hyped up on testosterone try to pretend like they're King of the World and that they can do anything they want. They might be able to do a lot of comparatively-impressive things, but they probably can't kill themselves. Ha!