@apokrisis
As I said I've been thinking about you post. I do indeed identify as 'broken' in some ill-defined way. &, irl, I usually feel like its immediately apparent to other people. I'm told by others it isn't, at least at first. But I have an internal self-image that's always playing in my head that makes me feel ridiculous when I try to do normal social things. Its not that I don't know how to do them; its that I feel...prohibited? Or that to assert myself, or speak and act like someone worthy of respect, is to assert something morally and aesthetically distasteful. (I like Mishima bc this is his big theme. A sharp awareness of beauty and draw toward it, combined with the feeling that oneself is not beautiful....leading finally to a hatred of beauty)
So in social situations one of three things happens
(1) I try premptively to side with those would mock or disparage me. Self-deprecating humor, but laid on really thick. And sort of being a caricature of a 'weird' person. I think this makes me feel like I have control over the situation. it allows me to manage and direct the mockery.
(2) If I feel smarter than the other person, or people, i take a cynical, ironic tone. Not overt assholishness, but a kind of quiet mockery and undercutting of anything discussed seriously. This is also a kind of form of control bc it wards away the possibility of any intimacy (intimacy in the broadest sense.)
(3) bona fide dissociation. A deep feeling of fogginess, a sluggishness of thought and action, total lack of spontaneity. It feels a little like being stoned or sedated. The function of this I think is to dull the impact of the shame and humilation I feel.
In all three scenarios tho I'm shutting off any form of actual emotion connection. I'm bracketting my emotional needs. But the thing is these all only work as stopgap measures, to protect against temporary social pain. At this point tho theyve so calcified that theyre all I do to the point where its hard to figure out what I actually am besides these defenses.
And thats where you get resentment. I hate feeling like I can't respect myself, and I hate my defenses (tho for a while I liked the ironic, cynical one) but the reflexive feeling is that the presence of other people is what activates these defenses. So in a twisted way I hate them for making me abase myself. Its a fucked up logic: I project onto other people the negative self-image I have of myself, I imagine them seeing me like that, so then I feel humiliated, and humiliate myself, then blame them for feeling the way I do.
And this makes plenty of space for a fetishization of philosophy, and a can't-be-touched persona on a philosophy forum. Thoughts and concepts felt like they offer d total control, and if since thats all I really could control, then systems become a kind of fetish. A thing I could turn over in my head at home, untouchable by the world and feel safe.
(The bonus with the continental approach is you get a side of aristocratic sneer as part of the deal. Zizek in particular is the master of a particular form of rhetoric that is so sneery and shaming that you enjoy siding with him and feeling part of the club. Its easy to be seduced by this when youre young. And, as with all strong voices, its easy to let it infect your own voice)
But anyway, after a while the fun stopped . Its an addiction. The world got fuzzier and fuzzier and reduced to what I could make of it philosophically. To the point where major life events would be happening and I'd be only half-there, thinking about how I could analyze this and fit it into my philosophical preoccupations, or weaponize it argumentatively. Its not a good thing. I read some author somewhere recounting being at the hospital while his wife was in labor, and how he was thinking of kafka (i.e thinking of himself as a writer in the constellation of literary writers) like this was a neat detail and it made me feel really bad, especially bc I can remember myself thinking stuff like that was neat, instead of very sad.
Anyway long story short: all these habits developed in school, when I was a weird-looking overprotected precocious kid. Strictly survival. You bully yourself so you wont get bullied for real anymore.
The thing is I'm pretty normal & nomal-looking now. Like you suggested the defenses and habits id developed lost their use loooong ago.
I know my warped self-image and my current habits are kind of a mutually sustaining mobius strip. I do think I have the capacity to break out of it buts its so engrained its hard to figure out how