Have I experienced ego-death? Throwback to this post about how LSD made me Jesus. Lol.
This is about to get really real:
2016 was a really intense year for me. Towards the end of 2015 I took it upon myself to give the trust enough in myself to start smoking pot and drinking again after 5 years of sobriety. (During that 5 years I was around parties allllll the time; I even organized them and got all of the people together to make them as big and beautiful as I could.) Everyone knew I was sober, but it didn't effect my relationships with my friends because they all knew that I try my hardest to be a loving and genuine person to everyone I meet.
But I started back...
The weed and the booze aren't what threw me for a loop, though. I am the type of person who can take one puff or drink one beer and then walk away and continue about my life like they are no big deal.
No... it wasn't addiction.
It was Hallucinogens.
I took some acid.
It gave me feelings like I had never before experienced. Physically, mentally, and emotionally something changed inside me and I became extremely curious as to what it was about these chemicals that opened up a whole new perspective of life in my mind.
So I indulged. Regularly.
Too regularly. My curiosity led to a habit of accepting almost any drug that crossed my path. (I even took meth once - NEVER again will I do that; it was absolutely horrendous.)
I never went out of my way to find these chemicals, but I did intentionally put myself in positions and situations where I knew that they would surface for my indulgence.
After a while... I felt enlightened from them. "Woke" as the kids say now a days...
But my "wokeness" went too far. It gave me a sense of superiority over others in a way. In my mind I could do no wrong because everything I chose to do was considered yet another part in my path towards... Well towards making the world a better place.
I became a saint in my own eyes.
It became my destiny to travel the world spreading love and peace to anyone who was willing to have it. At one point I was even considering spending my very last $1500 on a plane ticket to Israel. I was going to go and see whoever was in charge and I was going to end the Jerusalem conflict with my love. (Trust me I know it's silly lol)
Instead I left my family in Denver and I went off to Oregon with nothing. I offended the people I took shelter under with my self righteous delusions of grandeur. (much like I offended many with the same ideals before I even left home; many people have forgiven me, some haven't, and some I will likely ask forgivness of until I die because I have a hard time forgiving myself.)
Anyway - they kicked me out and I became homeless in Eugene Oregon with a heart full of love and a mind full of confusion. It was here that I found a feeling of desire and love for art. Homelessness is very boring at times and art kept me thrilled to be alive. Soon after, I realized that my greatest creation was at home without my guidance and without my affection, so I gave up my desire to change the world and traded it for a bus ticket home to be a presence for the greatest achievement that I will ever leave on Earth - my son.
This experience, and these chemicals changed my life. They took away the pressure of being the perfect human and they gave me the understanding that purpose is within - not without.
If you are experiencing a "third eye opening experience" from hallucinogens I want to say this: it is not your job to heal the world. Don't put that pressure on yourself. It is your job to find the peace in your own heart enough to accept your life as it happens. It's okay to feel "woke" but trust me - you do not want to be "the wokest" because there is a very fine line on the matter of morality and we just aren't capable of having all of the answers all of the time - no matter how genuine we feel in our hearts.
Fortunately I have had the year of 2017 to recover from this life changing experience. I no longer feel the curiosity that was brought about by the chemicals that I no longer take, and I don't feel the desire to dig deeper into this altered state of mind. I feel like I learned what I needed to learn, and thank God I don't need to learn it again.
I love you. I love life. I love my family and my son. We will put our minds to bringing prosperity to our home and we will win.