• Edy
    40
    No.

    I think about what is a man, quite a lot these days. For me, a man is measured by his deeds, not his thoughts.

    I have a work mate who shakes everyone hand, looks them in the eye and says hello. Every morning at work, to everyone. He's the hardest worker, well experienced and always laser focused. Everyone know him as a well respected individual. It turns out he's skitzofrenic, and hears voices nearly every 5 minutes. He shakes people's hands so he can prove the voices wrong. He also works hard so he can avoid giving them attention. At his worst, they told him to smash his partners face to peices, but he takes medication and knows to live a busy lifestyle, taking the kids out to the park or fishing etc.

    Knowing his dark secrets, I still believe he is a very respectable person. Just as respectable as someone who doesn't hear voices, but still works hard. The thoughts are not important, what matters is a person's actions.
  • baker
    5.7k
    No because this is a question of the origin of the intention to punish. If a parent punishes out of loathing it is toxic but if they punish out of protection/ fear or concern for their child’s wellbeing - ie loving punishment then it may be appropriate.Benj96
    Parents and teachers can come up with all sorts of justifications for beating kids up ...
  • Leghorn
    577
    My older brother liked to repeat the tale how Mama slapped his face in front of all the family one day at dinner, and to express his indignation at the affront...

    They were all gathered around the table, aunts and uncles and cousins, etc., the whole extended family, one day for dinner at grandma’s house. Grandma, of course, had prepared the meal, and had long gray hair she kept tied up in a bun on the back of her head...

    Suddenly my brother, a wee tot, raised a long gray hair up into the air with his fingers out of the midst of his plate, and exclaimed, “there’s a hair in my food!”; just as suddenly, Mama’s open palm descended on the unsuspecting child’s cheek with a “pop”: “Don’t EVER say you have a hair in your food!” she angrily replied.

    I don’t think Mama ever really apologized to him for this, and he held it as a grudge against her the rest of her life, though he always loved her dearly.

    In acting the way she did, my mama certainly lost her temper and acted inappropriately: her child had just shamed her in front of everyone, and she reacted thoughtlessly, lost her cool...

    On the other hand, my brother needed to be corrected for transgressing a social barrier. What Mama should have done was take him aside and explain to him in private that what he did offended his grandma, and that he should have dropped the hair silently on the floor and continued eating...

    If after being warned in this way he had repeated the offense at some future time well, then punishment, not just warning, would have been called for, for a recalcitrant nature that is hard of learning. Whether such punishment be corporal or non-corporal is of little concern: a “grounding” or withdrawal of privileges can be as painful as a slap in the face or a paddle-stroke on the posterior.

    The key thing, as Benji hints at, is that the punishment be delivered out of love, that is, desire for the correction of your child; not out of anger...

    ...it is said that Plato once got so angry at one of his slave’s bad behavior that he grabbed a whip and lifted into the air to strike him...sometime later, one of his friends happened along and, finding him poised like a statue, whip hanging and no one else in sight, asked, “what, dear Plato, are you ever doing?”, to which the philosopher replied, “I’m punishing an angry man.”
  • Benj96
    2.3k
    Knowing his dark secrets, I still believe he is a very respectable person. Just as respectable as someone who doesn't hear voices, but still works hard. The thoughts are not important, what matters is a person's actions.Edy

    This shows exceptional strength and will on his part. I also agree that the internal mind can highly mismatch external reality without there being a behavioural/ acted link. But I would imagine it takes the greatest effort to avoid being manipulated by your own mind
  • Benj96
    2.3k
    Parents and teachers can come up with all sorts of justifications for beating kids upbaker

    I think the word “beating” and “punishing” in the context we are speaking of need to be disassociated. One can be reprimanded non physically (Verbally/ or a privilege subtracting threat - for example “if you don’t do X you won’t be allowed Y for a week) and
    even in such cases as the traditional sense they are punished with a “slap on the wrist” which is designed to inflict enough pain to act as a warning/ negative association but not enough to cause severe harm, there is a huge difference between “beating - which leaves permanent physical damage as well as eliciting extreme pain responses that are detrimental to the psychology of the child” and comes from uncontrolled anger and aggression and a “slap” associated with “don’t ever cross the road without holding my hand do you understand?” Out of fear and concern.

    Children are forever learning to avoid things because it hurt them: they accidentally burnt their hand or hurt their knee when they fell from running too fast or got a splinter because they fell from a height on a tree. Pain is a natural bodily boundary between that which is safe and that which is not.

    The issue really is that it’s extremely difficult to establish whether a parent was too forceful or whether it was appropriate to the situation. I personally would always try to speak to my child and give them the opportunity to understand verbally but if it were something extremely dangerous that they did and they weren’t responding to verbal threats a bit of protective pain (Not damaging harm) may be appropriate.
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