• synthesis
    933
    I live in a small town in Southern California. The other day, my 21 yo step-son (who is Asian) was walking home and was the recipient of some very ugly xenophobic remarks from a young (white) man driving past. It happened so quickly that my step-son didn't have any chance to react and simply continued to the house. Understandably, he was quite upset and angry as these episodes (and much worse) have been becoming more common in areas where Asian-Americans live.

    As I have attempted to counsel him on several occasions, I told him that learning to let things go (good and bad) is the most important lesson in life any of us can learn, that carrying feelings (particularly anger) can have devastating effects not only on the quality of your life, but the lives of those around you.

    I then told him one of my favorite stories that helped me get through a particularly difficult time in my own life.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Back in Tang dynasty China (618 - 907 AD) there was a very famous Zen monastery where many monks practiced meditation day and night. Every other week, the monk in charge of cooking would go to the neighboring village to stock-up on supplies not available to the nearly self-sufficient monastics.

    On a particular trip, the cook, who had been a monk for over 50 years and was needing assistance to carry the supplies, brought along a novice, a young man of about 20 years. On their return, a storm came up out of nowhere and torrential rains began to wash-out the well worn path.

    About half way back to the monastery, the younger monk suddenly stopped as he noticed a very beautiful young woman standing before a rushing stream that had cut through the pathway. The older monk seeing her dilemma quickly put down his packages, walked through the washed-out area, bowed, picked-up the young woman and carried her across the washed-out pathway. The woman bowed in return and continued on her journey.

    The novice monk just stared in disbelief at the entire spectacle and after the young woman was well on her way turned to the older monk and said, "How is it that you broke one of our most sacred vows by not only looking at but carrying such a beautiful young woman across the washed-out path?"

    The cook turned to the young monk and said, "I see you carry her still."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I would be interested in hearing stories or ways that others have dealt with episodes in life that have been particularly difficult from which to move-on, as I do believe this is the most important lesson we can learn from our journey into philosophy and through life.
  • javi2541997
    5.8k
    First of all, I am sorry of what your son experienced but he is lucky of having an intelligent parent who provides wisdom to learning more about life. I going to share with you another story that help me in my journey through life.

    When I was born back in 1997 I was dying because my left lung was not working good so I was losing a lot of oxygen. The doctors quickly transferred me to another room that even my mum didn’t get a chance of having me in her arms. The following days were obnoxious. I was fighting to survive while ,y parents were asking for an expensive loan to pay an oxygen from United States specialised in these kind of situations (back in the day Spain wasn’t so developed in science...)
    After fighting against all odds I survived. All the wires I have connected in my head to provide me oxygen made a notorious scar. So when I was starting to go to school I was receiving a lot of bullying from other kids... I remember getting frustrated a lot and getting back home with tears because the other kids didn’t understand how difficult was that period of my life. Then my mum told me this philosophical quote from the Spanish proverbs: A palabras necias, oídos sordos in English means “to foolish words, deaf ears”

    We always will experience disgusting situations where we can feel bad about ourselves. The intelligent way is not taking it with importance and forget it the most quickly way we could. There are a lot of ignorant people who doesn’t have empathy but instead of answering them with the same ignorance is better act as a deaf looking like we didn’t hear anything about.
  • baker
    5.6k
    As I have attempted to counsel him on several occasions, I told him that learning to let things go (good and bad) is the most important lesson in life any of us can learn, that carrying feelings (particularly anger) can have devastating effects not only on the quality of your life, but the lives of those around you.synthesis
    That's just nihilistic quietism.
  • BC
    13.6k
    Whether, and how quickly, one can 'let things go' and move on depends, to some extent, on how our personalities work. Some people are 'grudge holders' -- they don't forget bad things--not because they want to, they just can't do otherwise. Other people are more 'water off a duck's back'. They are able to forget, or move on with ease--not because they are virtuous, but because that's just the way they are.

    Some depressed people perseverate -- 'repeat or prolong an action, thought, or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased'. Dwelling on bad events is a feature of depression. When depression passes they stop perseverating. (Not that you or you son is depressed - this is just a general observation.)

    What happened to your son is most regrettable. Fortunately he is 21 and not 12, so he'll be able to put racist crap in context. All sorts of bad things happen to people: we live in a society where increasing economic and social pressures distort how people behave towards each other, and whether it is at work or on the street (or even at home) social friction has increased a lot. We definitely should not ignore it, nor should we think about nothing else.
  • Tom Storm
    9.1k
    learning to let things go (good and bad) is the most important lesson in life any of us can learn, that carrying feelings (particularly anger) can have devastating effects not only on the quality of your life, but the lives of those around you.synthesis

    That's close to a key principle in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. The beliefs and responses you hold in relation to an event can do more to harm you and those around you than the actual event. The popular maxim that we can't control what others say to us but we can control how we react is also similar.
  • Banno
    25k
    I have a similar story to move kids past things that are obsessing them - an ill parent, an incident of bullying. I tell them that they will carry the problem, but they have a choice of holding it in their hands so that they cannot do anything else, or putting it in their pocket or backpack so that they can get on with the stuff before them.
  • baker
    5.6k
    The popular maxim that we can't control what others say to us but we can control how we react is also similar.Tom Storm
    Another popular maxim says that we teach others how to treat us; and that if they treat us poorly, it's because we have taught them to do so.
  • Tom Storm
    9.1k
    t's because we have taught them to do so.baker

    That's one of my favorite maxims, Baker. But you can't teach the whole world.
  • baker
    5.6k
    I have a similar story to move kids past things that are obsessing them - an ill parent, an incident of bullying. I tell them that they will carry the problem, but they have a choice of holding it in their hands so that they cannot do anything else, or putting it in their pocket or backpack so that they can get on with the stuff before them.Banno
    But this doesn't address the "big picture". There are several assumptions in "putting things aside" and "moving on". If these assumptions aren't elucidated and if they aren't the right ones, "putting things aside" and "moving on" can do more harm.

    For example, the assumption can be "I should just move on, let it go, because I am worthless". If this is one's assumption for "putting things aside" and "moving on", how is "putting things aside" and "moving on" helping one??
  • baker
    5.6k
    That's one of my favorite maxims, Baker. But you can't teach the whole world.Tom Storm
    And this exonerates you when others treat you poorly?
  • Tom Storm
    9.1k
    You are aggressive. I am going to move on.
  • baker
    5.6k
    Oh, the irony.
  • Tom Storm
    9.1k
    I thought you'd like it.
  • Ciceronianus
    3k
    I would be interested in hearing stories or ways that others have dealt with episodes in life that have been particularly difficult from which to move-on, as I do believe this is the most important lesson we can learn from our journey into philosophy and through life.synthesis

    It's a very Stoic point of view. As Epictetus said, there's only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things beyond the power of our will.
  • Tom Storm
    9.1k
    As Epictetus said,Ciceronianus the White

    A key influence on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy as it happens.

    Epictetus:

    “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the notions they form concerning things.”
  • Banno
    25k
    so if it doesn’t suit your purpose, don’t use it.
  • 180 Proof
    15.3k
    It was so long ago now, early teens or before, when I – a bullied black boy on the streets of NYC – encountered

    The obstacle is the path. (Zen proverb)

    then some time later studying Latin & the history of Rome
    The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way. — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
    which, among other (sisyphusean) coping lessons & jazz, has stood me in good stead ever since. The shock of white supremacy only wounds to the degree one expects to remain immune from its vicious sting; one must align one's expectations with the reality – which in your stepson's case is – that for many (though not all) whites, being Nonwhite makes him as "game" for hatred & abuse as I am.

    The racist murders here in the Atlanta metro last night have had me on the phone with old, Asian-American friends of mine in NYC & Boston commiserating and trying to exorcize these savagely hungry ghosts ... which lead me to post this today.

    Pardon my presumption but I'd tell your stepson, synthesis, (paraphrasing Angela Davis) It's not enough not to be racist, one has to actively be anti-racist – even if you're not ready to fight, be ready to support those fighters who are ready, so that you've braced yourself in the storm.
  • Saphsin
    383
    Asian women have especially been targeted because of the way they've been fetishized in American imagination. It's a travesty of multiple perversions. Biden also hasn't helped with his anti-China policies (despite condemning the racist violence on the streets, institutionally he maintain Trump's FBI director targeting Chinese students) so there's a nationalistic angle to it also.

    [The research released by reporting forum Stop AAPI Hate on Tuesday revealed nearly 3,800 incidents were reported over the course of roughly a year during the pandemic. It’s a significantly higher number than last year's count of about 2,800 hate incidents nationwide over the span of five months. Women made up a far higher share of the reports, at 68 percent, compared to men, who made up 29 percent of respondents. The nonprofit does not report incidents to police.

    Russell Jeung, professor of Asian American studies at San Francisco State University and the forum’s founder, told NBC Asian America that the coalescence of racism and sexism, including the stereotype that Asian women are meek and subservient, likely factors into this disparity.

    “There is an intersectional dynamic going on that others may perceive both Asians and women and Asian women as easier targets,” he said.]

    https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/there-were-3-800-anti-asian-racist-incidents-mostly-against-n1261257?fbclid=IwAR1OM54qu1LU5ycBWEaHUQG7hh1QroVK48-VH17yigMW4FOASpkPN1Zppa8
  • 180 Proof
    15.3k
    :sad: I hear ya.
  • Changeling
    1.4k
    Biden also hasn't helped with his anti-China policiesSaphsin

    Biden's policies are anti-CCP not anti-China, and he's doing great work on that front.
  • synthesis
    933
    This point of this post was not to point out that bad things happen, instead, it was to suggest that once the appropriate response is made, moving on as quickly as is possible is key.

    Racism is simply another measure of how far humanity needs to go, but to suggest that one race is more guilty than another shows a severe lack of historical perspective. Racism has always been an equal opportunity social pariah and manifests itself according to who happens to be the prevailing power.

    History is replete with slaughter after slaughter after slaughter...
  • Changeling
    1.4k
    You didn't address the example I mentionedSaphsin

    I'm not obligated to.
    We don't need more militarism to maintain U.S. in AsiaSaphsin

    So you're in favour of an authoritarian and repressive regime gaining more territory, power and influence on the global stage?
  • Saphsin
    383
    I gave an argument with an example. If you’re not going to dispute it, you’re talking to yourself. That’ll be all.
  • Changeling
    1.4k
    you're also giving your personal opinion; which I'm directly responding to.
  • Saphsin
    383
    I mentioned maintaining the racist FBI director and then provided sources. If you think it’s unconvincing, then say so. “I’m not obligated to” to my request to address the argument is trolling and you’re an asshole.
  • Changeling
    1.4k
    you’re an assholeSaphsin

    Cheeeers for the ad hom. :up:

    Wray has a 10 year tenure btw
  • Saphsin
    383
    It was only last year when Biden made a jingoistic advertisement about “the Chinese” when saber rattling about competition with China.

    https://www.businessinsider.com/joe-biden-ad-china-trump-coronavirus-racist-xenophobic-2020-4
  • Changeling
    1.4k
    FBI directors are allowed to be fired despite tenure.Saphsin

    Yeah I don't know why I mentioned that.

    Why are you so against Biden?
  • Saphsin
    383
    Why are you making it about Biden in general? I’m talking about this area where he’s causing harm and criticizing it.
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