We want our values to triumph or to muffle the opposition — Andrew4Handel

I think you have answered your own question. In my experience on this forum, posters rarely get "upset" with routine exchanges of views. But when a post "gets real" -- invades someone's home turf : their core belief system ("values") -- you can almost feel the "ouch!" as toes get stepped on. Most of us are like ballroom dancers, who try to ignore the occasional toe stepping. But for some true believers, the pain is too much to bear. So, they will push or punch the toe-steppers to "muffle" their offensive words. This despite the philosophical adage or precept : “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. :smile:

I like it..

Your question is an important one in psychology and various schools of psychotherapy. In psychodynamic perspectives the relationship between one's unique experiences and interpersonal interaction is focused on early experiences, especially between the child and the parents. Freud focused on sexuality and Melanie Klein focused on the maternal bond, especially in what is projected onto the mother. The dynamics of projection continue throughout life with the earliest wounds and traumas being the raw foundations for emotional processing, especially surfacing in the experiences of being 'upset'.

There is general trend towards cognitive and neuroscience but the core features of social dynamics and the structure of emotional processing come into the picture. The neuroscientists point to the way in which brain structures and neurochemicals come into play. The cognitive-behavioral scientists look at the link between emotions and beliefs. In particular, they argue that our emotional experiences, especially upsetting ones, are not caused by the experiences in themselves but our interpretations of them.

The nature of upsetting experiences relates to the nature of suffering itself as well as the explanations for what upsets us. The personal need to understand why experiences are upset us and try to heal the upsets is an underlying problem which leads people to seek therapies, which can be a long journey for some, especially in finding the right therapist. Some find help in self-help books and groups.

What one discovers and finds helpful varies, but is important in the general search for wellbeing and self awareness. Some people are more sensitive than others, who seem in comparison so thick-skinned. This can make life harder but it is also likely that such sensitivity will enable them to be able to assist others who are also working with difficult emotional experiences.

The dynamics of projection continue throughout life with the earliest wounds and traumas being the raw foundations for emotional processing, especially surfacing in the experiences of being 'upset'. — Jack Cummins

I agree with this perspective. It maybe hard to falsify as a scientific theory though but you can certainly see a coherent reason why family dynamics continue to shape emotional responses and vulnerabilities through life. Thanks I like it!
But then the whole of society is projecting on to each other ad infinitum which is quite a mad thought. But I think it is helpful to know about psychodynamics and might be therapeutic.
Humans can experience and cope with a lot of trauma and I probably have a lot of defense mechanisms and coping strategies.

That said I think some instances of causing upset are more to do with quickly derailing someone and one party of the interaction is more affected than the other.

There is general trend towards cognitive and neuroscience but the core features of social dynamics and the structure of emotional processing come into the picture. — Jack Cummins

I have argued that all the psychological perspectives can be compatible in my last ever psychology essay for a degree. I also believe in folk psychology and believe that we do know how to manipulate other peoples behaviour and predict it quite skillfully.

Some people are more sensitive than others, who seem in comparison so thick-skinned. — Jack Cummins

That does seem to be the case. But is being thick skinned a successful defence mechanism? I think we do seem to rely on our emotions to reason and that emotions may be some guidance somehow towards validating our beliefs.

As @Gnomon elucidated, getting upset is about personal values, emphasis on personal. We're not really bothered by toe stepping until its our toes that are getting stepped on. In other words, ego is at the heart of the issue. Now by ego I don't mean one that's overinflated, even a normal level of self-love and self-respect is enough to make you fly off the handle. It's self-preservation and everyone has the right to defend himself/herself. My own policy is not to ruin someone's beautiful day, it's so rare, while hoping they feel the same about me.

Often what's upsetting is the suppressed possibility that the other might be right. I think it's hard to get upset unless an idea takes hold somewhere in the self and conflicts with another idea in the self. We rarely appreciate an antithesis shoved into our thesis.

We rarely appreciate an antithesis shoved into our thesis. — Baden

This is basically the whole reason why i even joined TPF. I appreciate when someone agrees with me, but i value even more a challenge or a critique. If one is trying to prove their ideas instead of trying to test their ideas against other ideas then one is more likely to become upset when a disagreement occurs. I don't get involved in those type of exchanges unless it seems fun and have nothing better to do.

Exactly. There is no need to be upset. Just the opposite. But too often we are, even in a place as philosophical as this.

Often what's upsetting is the suppressed possibility that the other might be right. — Baden

No; that couldn't possibly be the case, he said... sarcastically? Ironically? Paradoxically?

People get upset by words when they fear they're true.

The go-to response when confronted with words we fear are true is to say to ourselves they're ridiculous, but if they were ridiculous why are we getting upset and not laughing instead?

EDIT: Ah, beat me to it.

It is probably a mixture of people hitting on the 'blindspots' of fears about what may be true and some uncertaint. I know that I get upset when people try to give me advice or tell me what I 'ought' to think. Of course, it doesn't always mean that the other is right and I am completely wrong and there can be mutual upset feelings. The person giving the prescriptive opinion may get hurt because that is not accepted just as the person gets disturbed by the unwanted view. The critical issue is that the doubt cast in a person's mind by another's thinking may cause discomfort, as doubt is in itself a source of internal conflict.

Does being upset indicate something is wrong and out of alignment. — Andrew4Handel

Yes, it could. But being upset when things are out of alignment is a sign that you are normal.
Many people were upset by the 2020 US election results. From the perspective of both right and left, something seemed to be (nay, was) very out of alignment. Some people are still torqued out about it. In the world there are many purveyors of falsehoods, misrepresentations, errors, and the like. People lie. They fail to see things clearly. Lots of people are befuddled. None of us are ever at peak performance all the time.

Another reason for being upset is that we often extend our emotional tentacles out to where they can be easily stepped on. They do get stepped on and we get upset. Pull those pain sensors back in a ways.

Also, at various times in life we may be emotionally fragile. We are an open sore into which every possible irritant will find a way. The more this happens, the more reactive we get. Before long, we're angry, agitated, and anxious all the time. People start avoiding us.

None of this is about you specifically -- it's more about my own unpleasant states of mind and the states I have seen other people in.

I don't feel 'that way' any more, for which I am thankful. How did I bring it about? I can't claim credit. I was in a bad way, life changed, and I have been much better for the last 12 years.

I do think a change of life circumstances is sometimes the answer. The Radical Therapist motto was "Therapy means change, not adjustment." The problem is perceiving the necessary changes and then engineering them.

If you can eliminate a major source of personal abrasion, that might help.

If you can alter your mindset about something very irritating, that might help.

If you can find a way to accept the world as a very fucked up place, that might help.

If you can't, maybe you can find a good drug that will help you get along with less turmoil. (Psychoactive drugs can help, but they don't usually solve problems, alas.)

Holy men used to talk about "being in the world but not of it". Is that just more crazy talk? Well, not entirely. The world is an unsatisfactory place from many perspectives, and we're stuck here. IF, and it's a big IF, we can find a way to distance ourselves from all the crap we might be able to cope with it better. To some extent, acceptance of what is is the key. It helps us stop expecting the world to be very different. It helps us maintain psychological distance. It helps us lower our expectations of others to a more reasonable level.

Sadly, all this is easier to do if one has already started to feel better. Otherwise, it's just more irritating salt.

Thanks BC!

To be alive is to be sensitive and to be sensitive is to be vulnerable. I want to have that sensitivity that can be hurt, because it it is the effect of connectedness. One can be touched by another's words and the touch can be kind or cruel. If one is never hurt by what others say, it is because one is not listening and has become numb.

But the trick is to allow the blow to strike, the knife to penetrate fully without denial or angry defence. Sometimes I forget this in the moment, but when one feels the hurt fully, it passes immediately.

I get upset a lot at comments, especially online. It’s irrational and counterproductive, and I try not to do so. I often fail, but I’ve gotten better over the years.

I think it’s something to do with anonymity. In real life, I’m actually a very nice guy— for example. I don’t think many people here would describe me that way, however.

The reason, in my view, is the nature of online discourse. It’s why social media has been such a disaster, in part.

Like removing a band-aid, or receiving a shot...

I like your description of this trick -- attachment is as easily removed as it is attached. But that "easy" sometimes, for whatever reason, is harder than it is.

:up:

Just to elaborate, I often think that the ideas we’re most emotionally attached to are the ones we have the least justification for. That makes us somewhat insecure so we compensate with “passion.”

Reflecting on my own experience on forums, I’ve become upset mainly when I’m enthusiastic about an idea or perspective and others pour cold water on it. There have been times when I’ve been seriously perturbed by online debates. Debates about religion, philosophy and politics are often like that, one of the reasons that it has been considered poor etiquette to broach political and religious topics on social occasions (although of course this being a forum that is what is expected). But then learning to deal with adverse reactions has also been an important learning, and detachment is an important attribute. One of the best lecturers I had in philosophy had an uncanny ability to present differing philosophical perspectives in a way that was sympathetic to both sides without ever really needing to signal what he himself thought was right. He just laid out the cases, anticipated objections, summarised the issues. I admired that in him.

It’s also a factor that we live in a period of intense polarisation of views - culture wars, and the like. Many people hold very strongly to ideas that others may feel are absurd or dangerous. Anti-religious ideologues may see all religion as superstition, and fundamentalists may see science as the work of the devil. And so on. It’s one of the background factors in today’s culture. Again it’s where an element of detachment is important - doesn’t mean being apathetic, but learning to make dispassionate judgements.

Just to elaborate, I often think that the ideas we’re most emotionally attached to are the ones we have the least justification for. That makes us somewhat insecure so we compensate with “passion.” — Pinprick

It's a funny dynamic. In fact, people have been shown to argue passionately for positions they were convinced by researchers they chose on a questionnaire even though they chose the opposite. (Source). Any idea can (theoretically) take hold of us and use our passions to spread itself around.

I don't get upset when someone presents a reasoned argument against something I've said. Sometimes the point tells against mine, and other times the underlying assumptions are so different that we talk past one another, which can certainly be annoying from the point of view of wasting time and energy.

For me the most annoying thing is when others claim to be addressing what you've said and yet it is impossible to find anything of relevance there. And then when you bring it to their attention they double down by claiming they've already addressed your point and refuse to offer any explanation for how what they've said could be relevant. Then it's time to walk away.

There are could be many reasons to be upset, from loosing an argument to feeling unfairly attacked.

On a philosophy site I expect disagreement and reasoned argument against my views because 1) it's the nature of the subject and 2) I know little about philosophy.

I think it may be upsetting for some to think that the world is full of people with terrible ideas who vote and raise children. A view expressed here by one member is likely to be representative of vast numbers who share such 'dreadful' beliefs out in the world. Hot button issues - higher consciousness, political theory, religious belief, the nature of reality - are emotional and often people invest a significant amount of their identity in both the questions and the answers. This is particularly the case where people think they have identified truth or certainty.

Reflecting on my own experience on forums, I’ve become upset mainly when I’m enthusiastic about an idea or perspective and others pour cold water on it. There have been times when I’ve been seriously perturbed by online debates. Debates about religion, philosophy and politics are often like that, one of the reasons that it has been considered poor etiquette to broach political and religious topics on social occasions (although of course this being a forum that is what is expected). But then learning to deal with adverse reactions has also been an important learning, and detachment is an important attribute. One of the best lecturers I had in philosophy had an uncanny ability to present differing philosophical perspectives in a way that was sympathetic to both sides without ever really needing to signal what he himself thought was right. He just laid out the cases, anticipated objections, summarised the issues. I admired that in him.

It’s also a factor that we live in a period of intense polarisation of views - culture wars, and the like. Many people hold very strongly to ideas that others may feel are absurd or dangerous. Anti-religious ideologues may see all religion as superstition, and fundamentalists may see science as the work of the devil. And so on. It’s one of the background factors in today’s culture. Again it’s where an element of detachment is important - doesn’t mean being apathetic, but learning to make dispassionate judgements. — Wayfarer

:100:

I suppose philosophers above all can't afford to get upset. It's an expensive item, but there are unverified tales of some of them having bought it nevertheless.

Sage advice from the Buddha: watch your breath. Don’t pursue chains of thought, or allow yourself to be seized by emotion. Know that everything is transient. Carry on.

Sage advice from the Buddha: watch your breath. Don’t pursue chains of thought, or allow yourself to be seized by emotion. Know that everything is transient. Carry on. — Wayfarer

I can't afford that either mon ami! Philosophers, not that I'm one, are some of the poorest folks around, they simply can't afford anything at all, oui?

What can't you afford, exactly? Being calm and measured? That would certainly map well against your output.

What can't you afford, exactly? Being calm and measured? That would certainly map well against your output. — Wayfarer

:up:

Of course it’s much easier said than done.

Of course it’s much easier said than done — Wayfarer

Précisément!

But the trick is to allow the blow to strike, the knife to penetrate fully without denial or angry defence. Sometimes I forget this in the moment, but when one feels the hurt fully, it passes immediately. — unenlightened

Are you saying it's better to be thin-skinned than thick-skinned? It passes through

Are you saying it's better to be thin-skinned than thick-skinned? It passes through — Changeling

I'm saying that there is a tendency to resist pain, or to deny it, or to react to it with fear or anger; these prolong pain by turning it into suffering.

Say you call me an idiot; I tend to deny it, and then be afraid that everyone will think I'm an idiot and then blame you for being so rude, and call you an idiot back. All this is a resistance, I don't let the idea in, and so it remains there pricking at me.

But if I simply accept that I am an idiot, there is no problem - it is only the image I had of myself being smart that has taken a knock.

The same principle actually applies to physical pain, but it is more difficult to remain present with back pain or a sore thumb.