I don't know you, except that you are alive and have access to the internet, and have decent literacy skills.

But that is already a couple of things that not everyone has. (This is called 'counting your blessings'.) I guess, that you also have enough to eat, shelter, and do not live in a war zone. Hopefully, you are not suffering constant physical pain.

If that is the case, then your dissatisfaction is not a physical matter, but dispositional. Now one does not have to be rich, or famous, or hugely successful to be happy, and those things when obtained, do not always result in happiness.

I think happiness comes largely from making a connection with others.

But all I see in your post is a comparison with others, and one focused on those who have something you do not. This leads to ambition, envy, resentment, and a sense of failure and inadequacy. If you turn your attention to those who lack something you have, and see if you cannot help them a little, you will be more likely to make a connection, feel significant to another, and have some satisfying success on a small scale. You will start to feel privileged and fortunate in relation to those who have almost nothing.

I find part of the demon in this thought is comparison of oneself with others. When you develop a habit of not doing this comparison with others you might find some of these demons disappear.

You might not be able to change what life throws at you but you can choose your response to it. This doesn’t remove the suffering aspect but it also doesn’t heap misery on top of it.

-Rumi

what is my sins that somehow the universe just keep punishing me again & again & again — niki wonoto

The ultimate sin is forgetting how to love yourself despite everything else going on around you.

The only thing you have any true and enduring control over in this world is yourself - your beliefs, attitudes and behaviours.

No one is immune to hardship and adversity. That is life.

However things like resilience, stoicism, optimism, patience, self compassion, managing expectations and gratitude for the smallest things, all of these are personal choices to be made - part of one's persona. So the only person that can imbue that within themeself is, ofc themself.

If 2 people lose their job. And one spirals into depression while the other reinvents themselves, perhaps finds a better career or further self fulfillment. What is the difference there? The initial condition is the same - a bad thing happening. The difference is the resolution. How one approaches a negative and either maximises what benefit there is to be had (which there always is) or allows it to consume them.

Let yourself not fixate on the negatives. They will happen regardless. Out of your control. So, pause, reflect but then quickly put them behind you as fast as they enter your life.
Forgive whoever needs to be forgiven (including yourself) and move forward.

Why the universe seems so cruel to me? — niki wonoto

Because it has nothing more important on its agenda. Think about this: You are the most significant, the most attention-worthy individual in the entire universe! Stand up tall and proud, turn to face the universe and declare: I will succeed. Respect me!

I don't even know anymore what to do, or even what to believe. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't even know anymore, if god does exist (or any 'spiritual' system like karma or "law of attraction" thing etc etc), what is my sins that somehow the universe just keep punishing me again & again & again, even when I've already at least tried to do good. Of course I know I'm far from perfect. I even admit that. I'm just only a human being, who can make mistakes. But why all of these happened to me — niki wonoto

It's hard to know what you are referring to since this is all quite vague - you seem to be saying you have unusually bad luck in life. What are you hoping to find by posting this here?

Sorry OP, sounds like you're going through a rough patch in life. And maybe that patch has so far been all of your life! :) I'm not smiling out of cruelty or mockery, but because I've felt that before. I had terrible acne most of my early life no matter what I did. Dermatologists could not fix it. You get cut off from society. Its a horror show of watching your face slowly rot away from infection and scarring. Not to mention I find I'm completely unable to feel anything from touching other people. Hugs, even from my own parents, don't affect me. Physical intimacy is possible, but no more emotionally satisfying to me then a trip to the bathroom.

I'm saying all of this purely so you know: You're not alone. There are lots of people in this world who undergo suffering and inescapable problems and agony. Some have it worse, some have it better. Did anything pick you out particularly and say, "You should have it worse?" No. That's just life. We are born who we are with the parents and circumstances we have. Some things are inescapable and inevitable.

Of course, does that help you? No. Its about what you do with what you have. I may not be an attractive person, but I still decide to put my foot out in the world and make friends. I have a few very close friends because of it. I don't decide to let suffering make me bitter and angry, but use it to empathize with others and help them suffer a little less as well. I decided to pursue the education that I wanted, and pursued philosophy and computer science. After years of work and struggle, I now live a very good life.

Will I always be scarred? Yes. Will I always receive looks of terror and disgust from people I first meet? Of course. But I've learned that after 15 minutes, no one really cares too much anymore. I do good things not because I expect to get rewarded for it, but because I want to ease suffering in the world. We are not owed anything in life, neither boons or banes. Look for the good where you can, be good where you can to help others not suffer like yourself, and find the joys and successes where you can without bitterness or jealousy that others have it better than yourself.

Oh, and one last thing. You'll find that those who have not truly suffered in life will not understand what you are going through. The temptation to hate them can be monumental. Do not do so. They are just ignorant, and if you had not greatly suffered, you would be just like them. Learn to be happy for them. They are not there in life with an obligation to understand you or give sympathy.

Have you ever feel that the universe conspires against you? — Niki Wonoto

All the fucking time! Thanks for asking. WELCOME TO THE PHILOSOPHY FORUM

Your discomfiture has to do with the ingravescent inimicalities of life as we know it.

ingravescent = a condition gradually increasing in severity.
inimical = The state or quality of being inimical or hostile; unfriendliness.

Despite the appalling indifference the universe displays toward my many virtues, I have found that life is still, despite everything, reasonably satisfactory. In the end, Death comes by to collect us. Old guys like me won't have to wait all that long. Could be in the next 15 minutes--in which case, I should eat dessert before it is too late!

While it's strikingly easy to believe that the personal gods many worship are out to get one or the other of us, it isn't nearly as easy to believe that of the universe. The universe is enormous, and it's exceedingly unlikely that, if it is aware of us and has the capacity to form intent, it has any concern with what we think, say or do. That being the case, it makes no sense to think that it bears us any ill will, or that the kind of person we are disturbs it in any way.

Some things don't have explanations though we seek them so, desperately wanting answers to every "why" we pose. But for every moment of fortune or misery experienced, the universe itself, does not care for our concerns or tribulations.

But there is far more to this than cosmic conspiracy- for we are part of the universe and we do care about ourselves and other beings. A very small, but nonetheless instructive example is the very fact that you encounter people here - complete strangers - having sympathy for you and offering the best advice they can give, in so far as experience has taught them so.

So a slight shift in perspective may be the first step in the re-imagination of the scope of the problem, from an uncaring universe, to caring people. Streaks of luck, ranging from the lowest misery to the highest ecstasy cannot continue indefinitely, the only true constant is change, in which case, all I can say is, I am sorry for the moment you are going through, and I hope better times will come, which cannot help but happen.

I moved this to the Lounge because it's more personal than general. Some good advice above. I hope it helps.