This is the second part of me trying to explain the truth I wish to find. This post is about the self-reflection in a years long process regarding my past hypocritical and egoistical self. However, I highly suggest you to read my first part in order for this post to seem coherent. Plus, your comments on both of these posts will be highly appreciated as I'm in the process of writing a book and opening a Philosophy Club in my university. Lastly, I apologize for any grammatical errors. English is not my maternal language.

I explained in the first post that pain showed me not how things are but how things are NOT. I explained how my pain and suffering, through my personal experiences, is stripping away this illusionary world my environment had built for me, forcing me undoubtedly to accept it. I want to show you the hypocrisy that got uncovered with that process.

First of all, I talked about a part of my life where I felt an overwhelming emptiness when I finally noticed for the first time how fake my reality has formed. However, this process of finally accepting at the end the numbness and the existential void included parts of self-pity/blame, self-hatred, hate towards others, hate towards everything... Now look at the disgusting part of this. While I was pitying and blaming myself for everything, I thought anyone who felt the same as me had it more easy than me. I believed that my situation was worth of utmost high attention and anyone else did not have an idea on how "real suffering" feels. Disgusting but there's more. I was convinced people were obliged to notice how I feel without me actively telling them even if they mocked me. I had this idea that people were all stupid and they couldn't figure out my situation. I was convinced after a time of throwing these "hints" of me feeling let's say depressed for the sake of the argument (literally me believing that people are my puppets), that others were ACTIVELY ignoring me, thus a period of hate towards them started.

This hate turned me into a fuming machine. Machine sounds interesting here (nevermind). I heard people's problems with disgust like "How can you feel bad about that?". These were my inner thoughts. I listened to my classmate's school problems, health problems, even family problems and I thought to myself "Wow, this guy thinks he has seen and lived it all. What a fake. What a disgusting human being. I'm better." And the hate got spread even more, outside of the familiar environment. I was blinded to the core. It was me, the most perfect ,brave, courageous, beautiful, kind, down-to-earth human being against the world. Homeless people were all jokers, who couldn't get a job. Others who just did not match my outfit preferences were careless, and ugly, and not self-loving. I argued that OTHERS were not self-loving. Sounds insane, right? Then, I was hateful towards my parents. Out of the many in the world, these two people I gave my most hate. I called them disgusting things. Humiliating things. I was searching on how to manipulate people (sounds cringe, I know), how to tell better lies, how to humiliate others and other bad stuff. I even wished death to people who like did not tell me good morning or did not talk to me like for some reason they were supposed and forced to.

Here's the paradox. I was governed by two illogical premises. The first was that I was too perfect to hangout with anybody. The second was that I deserved human company and affection. I felt extremely lonely and extremely good-for-everything to be with anyone. The simultaneous hypocrisy was that there were people I'd name "friends", people I hanged out and did everything together. And in the mean time I thought all of the above while with them.