Asking Why…

Don’t do it. People don’t like it. It is an annoyance and demanding. But for me: it is everything. I don’t know if I am alone in experiencing this but people hate “why”, they fear “why”, they dodge “why”, if you ask “why”, no one is obliged to answer. Their response is to draw inferences about you. Think about it. Actually, think about the last time you asked why…

In every sector of a functioning society “why” is not a reasonable or rational question to ask. To ask ‘why’ is to imply that you are missing information and an answer to ‘why’ will complete that answer. In some cultures it is to be a traitor or heretic. But if you ask ‘why’, and I do want you to try this at home, the response from anyone will be to draw conclusions about your intellectual ability. Think about it. Nobody in adult society ever asks ‘why’? I am upset with you. Why? I shouldn’t have to answer that. The very fact you are asking is the reason I am upset!

The people that ask ‘why’ are children. They ask it all the time. And they rarely get a satisfactory answer. They don’t do it to be annoying they just want to understand. You give me a fact or a command and I want to know why that is important. What is the reasoning behind this wisdom that they are taught to accept. It isn’t unreasonable to want to know why. Surely, by knowing why, we can always check that the method or command is fulfilling the end result. And children always want to please and do well. They instinctively need to know what it is that they need to achieve. Why? Is filling in their knowledge of the importance of that particular command. And yet, traditionally, it always ends in ‘because I said so!’. We joke about it. It’s difficult. It’s something, intrinsically, we are trained out of asking. When our children ask us why? We say the words that frustrated us so much as children. Why? “Because I said so”. It is the weakest and most useless response an adult can give. It is lazy. It tells this sponge of a human being who looks to you as the font of knowledge that you don’t know. When you make that statement, you are saying to your child: trust in me, my word is all you need. Which is fine if you live by your word. If your child can analyse your actions and see an honest connection from your word to your actions. But this never happens. We invent Father Christmas, the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, the Boogey man, *God, *Jesus, (*apologies to people who still believe) and it’s really important that our children believe in these fictions. Even though we, ourselves, have lived through the realisation and disappointment that these fantasies don’t exist, and more, your own parents have been lying to you. And it is proper lying. A key point we instill in bringing up children is to always tell the truth. “I won’t be angry if you tell me the truth”. But why should anyone tell the truth? It never benefits them. In fact, we have a whole legal system which is built on the foundation of interpretation and not telling the truth. Because if you speak the truth, it “can be used against you in a court of law”. More often the law-abiding, truthful citizens discover they are penalised for being so. Thos is why, in a criminal case, the lawyer's first advice is 'say nothing'. In real life, being truthful never helps or benefits you. And further, the why doesn’t matter.
And so, back to why. Take an interest in any subject, any topic, any belief, any ‘shared knowledge’, anything at all. And then, as an adult, ask ‘Why?’. Do you ever get an answer? I think not. In my experience, your question is met with anger, annoyance, dismissal and avoidance, confusion. To ask ‘why?’ is to be an unbeliever, inexperienced, naïve, child-like. And it follows that by asking that question, you have automatically disqualified yourself from any rational discourse. It sounds extreme, I know. But truly think about it. When was the last time you asked ‘why’? And search your memory for anytime you asked why and you were met with interest and an explanation or even an apology that they didn’t know. Anything. Any responses to answer that question. 'Why'? Try it.
I remember being Church of England Sunday School, and they asked us if you had any questions, to line up and speak to the Reverend. I asked the obvious question: how do we know that god is real? I was asking Why I should believe what you are saying. It was heart-felt and earnest, and I needed an answer to validate my participation in this ritual. As an adult now, I can think of many ways of answering this question in a satisfactory way (e.g. God is not an object but is displayed in all the miraculous thing around us – I would have so bought that – kids are in awe of animals and nature – tell them god did it and I would have believed). But unfortunately for me (and my well-meaning priest) his response was ‘to ask why is a front to his good grace, but luckily he is forgiving and loves us all’… eh? So you can’t engage at all in my question? And let’s face it, after a thousand years of an over-riding mindset, no-one has an answer? Maybe I was a precocious child, but in that moment I would have accepted any reasoned answer. The fact that there was no answer at all worried me greatly and began my journey into not blindly accepting what I was told. The reason: all the questions I was asking, no doubt had been asked a hundred times before and, not only had no one created an adequate answer, but their position was so secure, nobody had bothered to even come up with a reasoned answer. Because it wasn’t important. If someone asks why. We don’t address the question, we attack the person asking the question. We throw doubt on their faith, their morals, their intellect, their place within our society.
The question ‘why’ is not even allowed in a court of law. In defending yourself, you do not officially submit the reason why this happened. The ‘law’ has evolved so that a police officer can’t answer the ‘why’ with “I used my experience and judgement and stopped and search this car or this person”. They have to answer to why in a way that is checklist ticking and actually not truthful but at least they are covered. The why is only addressed after they have a crime to investigate. A motive, an after-thought. But, am I alone in recognising that the why is everything? It informs us of the past and also predicts the future. Understanding why someone behaves the way they do is powerful.

Ever met someone in passing and they ask you: how are you? Ever responded with ‘not well’ (or words to that effect)? How many people respond with ‘why? What’s up?’. A few maybe. And of those few, when they have asked why, stick around to listen to your answer? It’s not their fault, they just feel uncomfortable, or are not interested or have nothing to contribute. And those of you who do care: Have you been surprised by the reaction of someone you felt close to when they make a statement and you asked why and they subsequently actively disengaged?

Ever asked a professional, tradesperson, sales person, ‘why’ they were doing something or had the gall to respond ‘why’ to their statement and were immediately made to feel like you shouldn’t have asked that. E.g. Dr says – we need to take a sample of your blood. You respond with why? Car mechanic says we need to replace the carburettor immediately. It’s important but costly. Do we ask ‘why?’.
Maybe it’s just me, but FFS a friend or family member confides in me saying they are stressed, anxious, depressed, in pain, frightened, I want to know why? What caused this? I expect a response or answer to this (in my view) reasonable question. Instead, to my bewilderment, they have responded in anger that I should just be sympathetic not analyse and try to fix them.

But isn’t that the point? We find out the why and then we find a way to resolve it. Or perhaps todays problems aren’t meant to be fixed. If you’re not interested in the why, then the what, where, who and how also doesn’t really matter. And that means we have nothing to contribute, learn, change, care about. Really? Why?