I just smoked a cigarette. It felt relaxing and soothing especially for a schizophrenic.

Yet, we are all aware of the hazards smoking has on one's life. It is carcinogenic, causes heart attacks (or increases the likelihood of it) and can cause others nearby to second-hand smoke, for which it has (or is becoming) a solitary act.

The prevalence amongst schizophrenics to smoke is double that of other people. Schizophrenics report that it normalizes their brain's and causes a decrease in the intensity or desire to listen to persecutory voices. Long story short, there's an abnormality in the acetylcholine levels in the prefrontal cortex of a schizophrenic (specifically the nicotinic alpha 7 receptor).

Smoking is habitual or causes one to want to repeat the calming effect it has on oneself.

The typical "buzz" one gets from smoking is a rewarding experience.

Fun fact, there's a metabolite of nicotine called Cotinine, which has secondary effects apart from the main active ingredient of nicotine. Here's a wiki on Cotinine just for those interested:

Cotinine is an alkaloid found in tobacco and is also the predominant metabolite of nicotine.[1][2] Cotinine is used as a biomarker for exposure to tobacco smoke. Cotinine is currently being studied as a treatment for depression, PTSD, schizophrenia, Alzheimer's disease and Parkinson's disease. Cotinine was developed as an antidepressant as a fumaric acid salt, cotinine fumarate, to be sold under the brand name Scotine but it was never marketed.[1]

Similarly to nicotine, cotinine binds to, activates, and desensitizes neuronal nicotinic acetylcholine receptors, though at much lower potency in comparison.[2][3][4][5] It has demonstrated nootropic and antipsychotic-like effects in animal models.[6][7] Cotinine treatment has also been shown to reduce depression, anxiety, and fear-related behavior as well as memory impairment in animal models of depression, PTSD, and Alzheimer's disease.[8] Nonetheless, treatment with cotinine in humans was reported to have no significant physiologic, subjective, or performance effects in one study,[9] though others suggest that this may not be the case.[10]

Because cotinine is the main metabolite to nicotine and has been shown to be pharmacologically active, it has been suggested that some of nicotine's effects in the nervous system may be mediated by cotinine and/or complex interactions with nicotine itself.[8][11] — Wiki on Continine 3/28/2019

So, to sum up my experience with smoking; it is calming, soothing, relaxing, and an outlet for stress.

But, if I am doing this at the cost of my health, then am I doing what is in my best interest? Is this all for the sake of "pleasure"?

I'm trying to boil down the issue into its constituent parts, and all I feel when I smoke a cigarette is a tinge of guilt and pleasure. It's a mixed feeling; but, it feels like a crutch to smoke a cigarette and calmly think things through.

Now, stepping back from the above, the fact that I'm fretting over smoking a cigarette once a day is itself alarming. Am I really that unconfident and neurotic to try and rationalize behavior that goes back to the dawn of man? I mean, there's a reason in medicine certain receptors are called nicotinic; because of nicotine bonds perfectly with said receptor. Therefore the act of smoking itself isn't or shouldn't be the cause of my distress; but, the cause of my distress is/are these neurotic posts about a relatively harmless activity.

So, reader, on a scale of 1 to 10, how high do you think my self-esteem is to post this pathetic thread?
Furthermore, the reader, on a scale of 1 to 10, how neurotic am I?
And finally, reader, what should I talk about with my next visit with my shrink?

Thanks for making it this far.