I am not expecting positive feedback, or pats on the back. I know I am miserable. There is no need to point that out. I wrote this some time ago when yet another person who was supposed to be a friend let me down. I keep coming back to read it, reminding myself of where almost all of my frustration and built-up hate comes from. I don't know if there is anything to discuss, I just need to post it somewhere.


I am starting to accept defeat...

My battle has not been public. It has not been political. It has been personal. With family, teachers, employers, authority figures. I have, all my life, called out people who have lacked decency, or have treated myself and others immorally. I have gained absolutely nothing from this, and have received little to no support from people around me who in the shadows have acted tough and pointed out the very things I have later called out. When I have stepped up, they have stepped away.

I have to admit, I have myself been an absolute piece of shit at times in my younger years. I like to think that I have grown up now. However, I was never a coward.

That's all I see these days. Cowards. Everywhere are these vile cowards. They talk big, but act small. They willingly dumb themselves down, and find pleasure in things that only children and mentally handicapped people should be able to enjoy. Anything, in excess, to not have to think about reality. When someone points out an uncomfortable but indisputable reality they scream conspiracy theory, or unconsciously yell a random (according to the degenerate norm) derogatory -ism.

Children are in this very moment distorting public opinion, re-writing history, and carelessly tampering with morality. They scream made up issues from the top of their lungs, without any thought process other than trying to fit in with the group, and regurgitate whatever catchy chant they are presented with. 20-something year old kids whom I know from experience of once being one myself are absolutely retarded. These kids have more agency and power to change things (for the worse) than what educated, grown up women and men with actual knowledge of life and the world do. These kids are cowards of epic proportions. Afraid to think for themselves. Afraid to challenge real authority. Afraid to be individuals. They're buying straight into whatever pushed agenda they are being served.

This lunacy is supported and even praised by a legion of adult cowardice babies, cowering away from the harsh realities of our world. Their indebted comfort is more important than meaning. Their materialistic worth is more important than decency, rationality, and integrity. Their media and pop culture regurgitation is more important than spirituality.

The one person still alive in my family that has not succumbed to victimhood as an excuse to not provide for our family economically or emotionally, or to not take responsibility for one's own actions, is treated and looked upon as some loon because she dares to question the nature of reality, our existence, and the foundations of our degenerate society. She is 80 years old and is in total control of her environment. She is the only stability left in this family, and even though the others turn to her for help and support time after time they still belittle her as if she is some old senile lady. I do not provide much myself but at least I know my place (in the very real but forgotten natural hierarchy) and show gratitude and respect for the one that does. 

These people are family and I am supposed to love them, but I hate them. I fucking hate them.

I have long suffered from depression and have struggled to find purpose and direction in life, even though I have traveled, moved around a lot, and tested myself in different types of relationships, workplaces, and environments. I have been told that it's chemical, or perhaps seasonal. In reality it is nothing but reasonable. To be anything other than miserable in this shit stain of a world is to me a sign of severe cognitive dysfunction. 

Whom or what is to blame? 

People blame the economy as if it is some kind of omnipotent force from another dimension. People blame traditions as if they are so deeply rooted that change is impossible. People blame culture as if culture overrides individual responsibility and justifies acting like a piece of shit. People blame politicians as if we did not put them there and continuously legitimize them year after year, and as if the politicians themselves are not people. It's all people. Everything is either created by- or is a subsequent product of people.

I blame people, a group of which I am a part of... sadly. 

...and what will become of me when I no longer have it in me to pretend that I do not genuinely despise people. I don't know if I care anymore.