The monk, Gregory, did not show up for the morning Sermon.
"Does anyone know where Gregory is?" the abbot asked the other monks.

"He's been drinking the Buddha's Koolaid again and has a hang over," Sam answered.

The abbot's nose blushed rose.

"Let me remind everyone that drinking the Buddha's Koolaid is verboten and is a one way ticket outta here!"

Mrs. Zenilinski caught Gregory passing notes in class.

"Gregory! Come up to the front of the glass and answer this question on the black board. What does 2+2 equal?"

Gregory shuffled his feet a bit and took a moment then scrawled a large 9 on the black board.

Mrs. Z huffed in exasperation. "This is what happens when you don't pay attention to your math lessons. The answer is 4. Go to the Dunce corner and put the Koan hat on."

Gregory did as he was told.

Mrs Z addressed the class. "Now everyone, tell me why Gregory must wear the Koan hat."

Sophia raised her hand and responded: "Because Greg has no causal power. What happens to Greg is beyond his control. "

Mrs. Z tensed. "Sophia! Go to the Dunce corner and put on a Koan hat. We shall not encourage such disobedience."

Does anyone else use koans out there? — Gregory

Mu

Me and Sophia in the corner together? Sounds like a fun time

I started with koans when I discovered Zeno. I don't care what math people say. You can descend into a segment for ever and ever and never reach the end. Yet it's finite also in a sense. Therefore infinity and the finite merges illogically to form segments, objects, all magnitude. Maybe something cannot be purely infinite or finite. But keeping control of the balance of finite and infinity in objects really trained my mind in this. Someday I'll figure out why 2+2=9. In fhe meantime you guys can remain normal

There are no things in the absence of things.

There are no thoughts in the pursuit of no things.

What things, what things, is to sing of what things?

But the sting of these things is enough.

To think of these things,

In a string of these things can be tough.

There are no things in the absence of stings!

But the sounds and the migraines are enough.

"Goats can't talk!"

...and the man was enlightened.

"Goats can't talk!"

...and the man was enlightened. — Pfhorrest

"That's tremendous!" Zen Master Trump proclaimed as he clapped with one hand.

Once there was a goat who was walking to town to eat with his friend the llama. As the goat was walking, he came upon a man who was looking like he was either about to scream or cry. The goat asked the man, "what's wrong?" The man replied that his wife had just left him. The goat said, "well, that's nice, gotta go," but the man said, "wait! I sense that you are an enlightened master who has come to teach me the way to enlightenment in my time of need. Please teach me all that you have to know." The goat reluctantly agreed, and took the man on as a student.

The man followed the goat for many days, and tried to talk about spiritual things. Every time he did, the goat would bite him on the arm or leg, whatever was closest. The man realized the wisdom in this, and began to enjoy the journey itself. However, one day, he was feeling unsatisfied with the situation, and pleaded with the goat to teach him something about the nature of the Universe.

The goat reluctantly agreed, and after finding a good place for meditative thought next to a lake, began to instruct the man:

"Tell me, man, can these trees continue to grow if the sun stops shining?"

"No, Master, it cannot. Without the sun, the trees will die."

"And what of the rivers? Can they continue to flow without the rain?"

"No, Master, they cannot. Without the rain, the rivers will dry."

"And what of the teachings that lead to enlightenment? Can enlightenment occur without someone to teach the teachings of enlightenment?"

"No, Master, I do not believe that they can. Without a Master, all of the teachings will disappear, and no one will be able to be enlightened."

"Wrong!" the goat said sharply. "In the case of the sunshine and trees, and in the case of the water and the river, there was always a cause and an effect. For each effect within the world, you can be sure there is a cause, and for each cause, there must, by definition, be an effect. But the teachings of enlightenment do not exist, and therefore have no cause or effect. Why not? Can you tell me why not?"

The man looked confused, and said, "Master, I don't understand. Why do you say that the teachings of enlightenment do not exist?"

The goat breathed deeply, and said, "Okay, let me try my question in another way. You say I am an enlightened Master. How did I get to be an enlightened Master? Take your time and answer me correctly."

The man closed his eyes and thought deeply. Many different answers came through his head, but none of them felt correct. He waited until he thought of an answer that seemed so obvious, he wondered why he had not thought of it. "Through your past lifetimes, Master. You have been practicing for many lifetimes and you were able to overcome all hardships and reach enlightenment."

"Wrong!" the goat said again. "Please, think about the answer and try again."

The man sighed, and again closed his eyes and thought deeply. Again many answers came into his mind, and in fact many of the same answers came again and again. He began to doubt for a moment whether or not his first answer was correct, but he quickly removed all doubt from his mind with an effort of will. He then thought, in order for me to come up with the correct answer, I should stop thinking about anything at all. Then, all of a sudden, an answer came into his head. "Through the power of the Universe. You came to be a Master because of the power of the Universe, which somehow knew that I would need you. Everything works out! Everything has a plan! I understand now, Master!"

"Wrong again!" the goat said in the same tone as before. "This is the last time. Please, think about the answer and try again."

The man began to breathe heavily. He was discouraged and couldn't understand what the answer was supposed to be. He closed his eyes and tried to think deeply again. Something was bothering him, now. He thought that he had found some sort of new understanding, but now his doubt was now back, stronger than before. He tried and tried, but he couldn't ignore it or push it away as before. Then, all of a sudden, it hit him.

"Goats can't talk!"

The goat got up from where he was sitting and bit the man on the arm, and walked away.

The man was enlightened. — lgstarn's Zen Slap

The goat asked the man, "what's wrong?" — igstarn's Zen Slap

Then, all of a sudden, it hit him. "Goats can't talk!" — igstarn's Zen Slap

The man was enlightened. — igstarn's Zen Slap

The students gathered in the rose garden to listen to the Grand Master Potus talk about his enlightenment.

“You know, I’m, like, a enlightened person.” “I am a really enlightened guy.” “I’ve been known as being a very enlightened guy for a long time.” “I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.” “I’m enlightened. Some people would say I’m very, very, very enlightened.” “And then people say oh, is he a enlightened person? I’m more enlightened than all of them put together, but they can’t admit it.” “My EQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.” “My two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really enlightened…. I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star, to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not just enlightened, but Buddha….and a very stable Buddha at that!”

The 'great and tremendous' emptiness which Master Potus evoked brought Donna from Fox News to tears.

"It was like he lifted up America with his giant hands and 'ka-ching'! I was enlightened."

Sorry, I highjacked your thread with pseudo koans.

The Wish To Be A Red Indian by Franz Kafka:

"If one were only an Indian, instantly alert, and on a racing horse, leaning against the wind, kept on quivering jerkily over the quivering ground, until one shed one's spurs, for there needed no spurs, threw away the reins, for there needed no reins, and hardly saw that the land before one was smoothly shorn heath when horse's neck and head would be already gone."