What do you think of my "will to live"?

GreekSkeptic

(I don't know if anyone has approached or talked about this in the same way as me. If someone did, please recommend me his book.)

I will try to convey my thoughts to you as much clear and honest as I can, noting that English is not my maternal language.

This idea is rooted deeply in my personal experiences. I'm nineteen as I'm writing this. I believe I've lived a life with exaggerate standards that control my feelings, tell me why I live, and constrict my thinking in a box. People around me always told me what to expect to feel from things I do and I always thought they were undoubtedly right. Me being good at something or finding interest at something somehow meant I am happy and everything's great to others. For some reason, I was also good at everything, I was also the smartest, brightest, prettiest etc. Well as I said, I believed them, so I tried really hard to live up to as others saw me, accepting their perspective as true.

After a period of time, I fell into an overwhelming emptiness. I noticed that doing things and expressing myself in a certain way did not make me any "happier", so I thought that I was doing something wrong. It wasn't that I thought I haven't found that one thing that will fill up an empty bucket inside me. It was that there wasn't a bucket to fill up at all. And I really stressed out myself to the maximum, if you get what I mean. Feeling unworthy of everything, feeling incapable, frustrated, confused, trapped inside a reality I thought I was not built for. So, what one might describe as pain, came early. And I do not want to get graphic here. The existential torture and solitude was at its peak. Well, it still is but I'm more aware. This emotional anxiety, fatigue, confusion, dread felt as more real than anything I've ever felt before. It showed me not how things are, but how things are not. It's like it started to strip this "box of thought" away, and it was really really painful because I was hanging between a thread of "am I doing something wrong?" and "is this right?". I think this was when I was fourteen years old. Basically everything I perceived as truth I saw it collapsed, from how I feel for myself to how I feel for other people. Well, to this day I don't know if I chose it or it just happened without me realizing, but I went on with accepting what was happening to me. I let it "destroy" me in a sense. And I also chased it.

It sounds as self-destructive maybe I don't know, but I chased this kind of feeling. I tried to find ways to bring myself to the ground when alone. I told myself how bad I am, how unworthy, how ridiculous...all these bad stuff you know. It felt true, constant and honest. I paraphrase Descartes, "I suffer, therefore I exist". That is my idea now. Because it's not that I don't have what some would say as happy memories. I've done many things with people and I indeed find interest in many many things. From learning history to understanding physics to study and reading to go for hikes to swimming to kickboxing. It's just that all these moments feel meaningless. At the end of the day, I always asked myself "What did I gain from this?", "What was the meaning of this?"... I don't know but, pain feels more transcendent through time. It's what stays to remind me that that's not how I believe it is or my ego is trying to flourish again. It's like it outsmarts happiness. Not in a sense of power, because as I stated before happiness does not feel real, but in a more cunning way like it was always there waiting for me to notice it.

I haven't found a single thing to "save" myself, but helping and uplifting others is a whole new world to me now. Being good for society is interesting. Since I can't help myself, I'll help others. Now I would say for sure that that's something that keeps me here, and for the first time it does not feel superficial or illusionary - at least for now. Maybe that's the kind of hope I hoped for when I was younger. People shouldn't bear the pain of themselves. People shouldn't endure the pain of their own existence - and that pain is what either evolves them or destroys them. It seems absolute, yet it's true. I don't know where I belong in these two parts of the equation. I don't know whether I'm evolving or destroying myself. But I don't want others to feel the same things I'm feeling. Not in a messianic way, no. But for some reason, I believe not being here - even with the thought that someone, somewhere, sometime would need my help - is a red cross I put on myself after a very, very long time.

So, all this time, I keep asking myself "Why I won't kill myself tomorrow?". I discussed this with some people throughout the years. The answers I get were "I hope for a better life.", "I live to enjoy and be happy", "For hope.". Superficial. It all sounds superficial to me. Hope in a better life sounds like living doing nothing and expect things to get better. Thus, I came up with the answer to this question a few weeks ago. It matches with my experiences when I think of it. I’ll be disappointed if things change and I won’t be there to see it. I’m curious to see if I’ll ever feel something real. If I’ll ever break the void, the numbness, the existential torture. I’m curious to live and see if I’ll experience something new, and that “new” might be the real I’m looking for.

(I apologize if my writing got you bored or tired. Thanks for reading.)

Tom Storm

↪GreekSkeptic

Hello. I don’t think it is unusual at your age to feel chronic feelings of emptiness and nihilism, regardless of one’s background or fortunes.

I had a similar experience in my late teens and also found that being of use to others and doing things to support the community took my attention off my own experience and broadened my perspective. It took a year or two, but I gradually stopped feeling empty.

While I don’t believe there is any “meaning of life” style answer to human yearnings and existential dread, I do think we are surrounded by multiple meanings, and it becomes hard to avoid finding purpose and sense of solidarity if you engage with others. It’s easy for many of us to become obsessed with our own thought processes, judgements and reflections in a way that is unhealthy, and often having some strategies for getting out of your own head is helpful.

DifferentiatingEgg

After a period of time, I fell into an overwhelming emptiness. I noticed that doing things and expressing myself in a certain way did not make me any "happier", so I thought that I was doing something wrong. It wasn't that I thought I haven't found that one thing that will fill up an empty bucket inside me. It was that there wasn't a bucket to fill up at all. And I really stressed out myself to the maximum, if you get what I mean. Feeling unworthy of everything, feeling incapable, frustrated, confused, trapped inside a reality I thought I was not built for. So, what one might describe as pain, came early. And I do not want to get graphic here. The existential torture and solitude was at its peak. Well, it still is but I'm more aware. This emotional anxiety, fatigue, confusion, dread felt as more real than anything I've ever felt before. — GreekSkeptic

Nietzsche details this as The Hour of Great Contempt.

the greatest thing ye can experience? It is the hour of great contempt. The hour in which even your happiness becometh loathsome unto you, and so also your reason and virtue.

The hour when ye say: “What good is my happiness! It is poverty and pollution and wretched self-complacency. But my happiness should justify existence itself!” — Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Wayfarer

I haven't found a single thing to "save" myself, but helping and uplifting others is a whole new world to me now. Being good for society is interesting. Since I can't help myself, I'll help others. — GreekSkeptic

Stick with that! Can't go wrong with it, unless you put unrealistic expectations on it (like seeing to gain from it.)

180 Proof

I keep asking myself "Why I won't kill myself tomorrow?" ... I’ll be disappointed if things change and I won’t be there to see it. I’m curious to see if I’ll ever feel something real. If I’ll ever break the void, the numbness, the existential torture. I’m curious to live and see if I’ll experience something new, and that “new” might be the real I’m looking for. — GreekSkeptic

Yes. :fire:

Patterner

So, all this time, I keep asking myself "Why I won't kill myself tomorrow?". — GreekSkeptic

You don't know what has been worth staying alive for? A few weeks ago, you came up with an idea for an approach that, while not specific, you hope will eventually be shown to have been a good decision. But you don't know why you didn't end it over the previous several years?

And you are not aware of any specific thing that has been lacking, that you have never been able to achieve, that is the root cause of your feelings?

I haven't found a single thing to "save" myself, but helping and uplifting others is a whole new world to me now. Being good for society is interesting. Since I can't help myself, I'll help others. Now I would say for sure that that's something that keeps me here, and for the first time it does not feel superficial or illusionary - at least for now. — GreekSkeptic

An excellent idea. We don't help others only for their benefit. It is of great benefit to ourselves.

LuckyR

↪GreekSkeptic

Several things. First, I am happy that you found something on your own, bigger than yourself, to work towards. And in my experience, having tangible goals to work towards are the answers to such questions as "why am I here?", "what it all for?" and "why go on?"
True, goals such as accumulate wealth and seek continuous physical pleasure can and commonly do sustain folks in the short haul, they don't have a reputation for being enough in the long term.

Ultimately, everyone will spend the vast majority of eternity in a state of nonexistance, why cut short the brief flicker of time you'll actually exist?

GreekSkeptic

I appreciate all of your comments. I'm really trying hard to explain to people how I perceive things because I aspire to open a Philosophy Club in my university. However, there is more for me to uncover and show you. I'll do so in other discussions. This is just the "first part".

Astorre

↪GreekSkeptic

My opinion on your question will probably differ somewhat from what people expect to hear at a psychologist's office, but I'd like to share it with you.

What you called "the empty bucket inside you" is called "the will to life" by Schopenhauer, and "the will to power" by Nietzsche. Schopenhauer, in his time, demonstrated how the presence of this very will to live leads to suffering and proposed a solution in the form of suppressing it. Nietzsche, on the contrary, argued that this will is the basis of movement, and whoever has more of it is stronger.

I don't like either of these hints. The thing is, as far as I know, humanity still doesn't know what fills this "bucket" or the exact nature of this phenomenon. If humanity knew the answer to this question, the world would long ago have been filled with artificial creations—like robots with their own wills.

Christianity also has much to say about working with the will. But it's more about harnessing your willpower than about creating it from nothingness.

In the army, there's also a way to awaken your willpower if it's completely absent: create such unbearable living conditions that it's born, even on the brink of losing your life.

I think in your case, it's all a bit different.

From the way your post is written, from the way you described it, I believe you've done a great deal of self-reflection. And you did it with the goal of filling that "empty bucket," or more precisely, finding something with which to fill that empty bucket. And so that this something would be truly important. At the same time, I suggest you look at your "empty bucket" differently.

This emotional anxiety, fatigue, confusion, dread felt as more real than anything I've ever felt before. It showed me not how things are, but how things are not — GreekSkeptic

The words are very reminiscent of modern books on psychology or psychiatry. This text is used in these books to describe the phenomenon they call "depression."

However, as I said above, I’d like to offer a different perspective: you do not lack a “will to live” at all — the very fact that you keep trying to fill that empty bucket proves the will is there, and it’s strong. This very striving already indicates that you have a will to live. You just haven't yet found what to fill it with—something worthy, meaningful, and important. This means that what you're describing above is consistent with the absence of something you believe is worthy in your "bucket," or with the fact that you haven't yet found it, but not with the will to fill that "bucket."

Your will isn't aimed at "living," but at "understanding why to live." It's truly a different kind of will—almost exploratory, almost scientific (congratulations, you're a philosopher!).

The thing is, like probably many participants here on the forum, and I myself, too, are searching for what to fill that bucket with. It's not scary to live in this search. This state is similar to “The Man Without Qualities” by Robert Musil (maybe I’ll write a separate topic about this).

All I can recommend to you now is not to panic and not to rush. Moreover, as you will gradually discover, even if you read 8-10 hours of various books every day, you will always find something surprising to behold the following day. Unless you forget how to be surprised.

What do you think of my "will to live"?

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