Welcome to The Philosophy Forum.

I cannot seem to show or express love or my true self. How do you love? — Danny

Warm, secure, unconditional parental-love is so important because it is the mainspring of human personality. Without it, we have difficulty relating to others, and before that, even, relating to "our own true selves". If you did not get a full measure of this kind of warm, secure unconditional loves as a child, you would certainly not be the first or only person to have missed out.

But I'm leaping to conclusions here which may or may not be warranted. But sometimes we are knotted up in such a way that expressing the love we feel is very difficult. This being knotted up can also make it difficult for us to reveal our selves to others.

One of the knots is self-love. We have to love and accept ourselves before we can effectively love others, and before we can reveal and express who we are -- that "true self". Is this a problem for you? It is not an uncommon situation.

Then too, if we do not feel worthy of love (some more of those knots) we may short-circuit relationships before they get to the point where "love happens". Sometimes we fear being loved, and falling into love. We fear it because we feel we are not worthy, and anyone who loves us will be disappointed, and so on... more knots. Or we feel that love will be abruptly withdrawn if we fail to live up to some ridiculously high standard we are carrying around and which we never measure up to. Knots.

There are steps you can take (maybe a lot of short steps, I don't know) to untie knots and learn how to love.

Love is about giving, not receiving.

Love before loved.

I am a deep thinker and cannot understand why love is so important. I keep shipwrecking relationships because I cannot seem to show or express love or my true self. How do you love? I have struggled my whole life with this. Why is it (love) so important if you never grew up with the sincerity and genuineness of it in the household. Please explain. Thank you — Danny

Love is the essence our being, what enables us to become conscious of ourselves and our place in the world, to become engaged with reality and responsible for our motivations. It is applied moral consciousness that 'wakes us up' as we escape from the mental narrowness of our narcissism to feel an understanding of the world external to us, giving us meaning because we produce, create, improve rather than abuse, destroy or live in an otherwise artificial nothingness, an existence filled with vain repetitions.

The pleasure that it evokes is something given and not received and while much of how we interpret the world around us is conditioned, that how we perceive and understand people is taught to us by our family and environment, one is not bound to this in any absolute way since consciousness can transcend our conditioned mind and we can reflect in self-awareness. This takes practice, courage even where you challenge yourself regularly. You say you never grew up with sincerity and genuineness, now that you are conscious of that, apply sincerity and genuineness because authenticity is a state of mind, it is it a way of thinking honestly, an attitude of being honest to yourself even if you are completely out of your comfort zone.

You should only love someone you admire, someone you respect and who enables you to become a better person. Relationships take work, let that work be easy by loving your friend, otherwise you will be miserable in an artificial nothingness until suddenly your life passes you by as you form the same lack of sincerity and genuineness you grew up in.

I highly recommend you read The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.

To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense, where distance and possession are his means of security, makes himself a prisoner. To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern – and to take the jump and to stake everything on these values.

Hi all, I am new here. My name is Danny, 30 YO single male. I came across this great site. Please bear with me as this is my first post. I am new to posting and writing on forums. I don't mean any disrespect. I am a deep thinker and cannot understand why love is so important. I keep shipwrecking relationships because I cannot seem to show or express love or my true self. How do you love? I have struggled my whole life with this. Why is it (love) so important if you never grew up with the sincerity and genuineness of it in the household. Please explain. Thank you. — Danny

Hi Danny. The only complete, unconditional, uncomplicated love I've ever felt is that I have for my children. It turned on like a switch the minute they were born. Probably before. To me, it always seemed pure Darwinism, or the hand of God if you'd rather. No choice. No thought. No delay. Boom.

I like people. I feel affection, interest, and respect for most I meet. So - do you like people? You can't just want them, desire them. You have to like them. That's what I mostly want from others - to like me, see me, respect me, and treat me with kindness. Being seen, understood, by someone is the best feeling in the world. So - you have to see, understand, feel compassion for someone before you can claim to love them. Do you?

And then there's intimacy - emotional, sexual. That adds a whole additional layer of complication. Intimacy without friendship and compassion is an illusion.

A hard lesson - love is something you offer unconditionally, without expectation. You have to be ready to let go at a minutes notice. People die, leave, don't return your feelings. As my football coach used to say - suck it up. Keeping in mind it has taken me more than 60 years to learn that lesson. I hope it won't take you that long.

Why is it (love) so important — Danny

Forgot to answer your question. I don't think you get a choice. Most people want to be close to others. To touch. I take a philosophical approach, not surprising given where we are. Being loved by others is what teaches you to be at home in the world. To feel like you belong here. That's why parental love is so important - the feeling of being at home gets built in from the beginning. It's hard if you have to do it later.

Love is important because, without it, the popular music industry would collapse.

That said, love is granted an importance it cannot and should not have when it's used as the basis on which we should treat others, as it is too often used. It can be a wonderful thing to love someone, but we do so rarely and only with respect to certain people. We'll never "love everyone." The injunction/recommendation that we do so is so impossible of achievement that it renders "love everyone" virtually meaningless. We'll far more easily respect everyone than love everyone, which isn't to say we will ever grant respect to all.

I don't think you get an choice. — T Clark

I concur.
WHY is that the case? Mostly because we are large, hairless apes and apes are social animals, i.e., we evolved that way. If we had evolved from crocodiles we probably wouldn't think love was all that important. (Pocho the crocodile may be an example that proves it wouldn't be non-existent, but certainly not as center-stage to life as it is for us.) Because of it's centrality in our survival and reproduction, we depend on love and stable loving relationships for a myriad of psychological aspects of well-being.

That being said, I'm glad we have these traits. It does make life interesting and worthwhile to love and be loved. As a newcomer to this whole parental love thing myself (my gosh, has it been 5 weeks already?) it certainly makes the world seem just that much more amazing to live in. :)

Mostly because we are large, hairless apes and apes are social animals — NKBJ

I agree.

That being said, I'm glad we have these traits. It does make life interesting and worthwhile to love and be loved. As a newcomer to this whole parental love thing myself (my gosh, has it been 5 weeks already?) it certainly makes the world seem just that much more amazing to live in. — NKBJ

Congratulations. I found that by the time my youngest was 20, the magic was gone but the satisfaction remained.

Love is important because, without it, the popular music industry would collapse. — Ciceronianus the White

I take this to be a good example, though maybe not all that popular:

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return

Why is it (love) so important if you never grew up with the sincerity and genuineness of it in the household. — Danny

Adding to a lot of what has already been said in the thread:

Love is important because—when things don’t short-circuit and turn into idolatry, possessiveness, or animosity—love in due measure emotively unifies oneself with other(s) such that the other(s) become of equal value to oneself.

It’s an “all for one and one for all” mentality that can only honestly be when it subsists on an underlying emotive drive that in English goes by the term “love”. This could be between two romantic partners, between children and parents, love of one’s community, the camaraderie of very earnest friends, the list is very long.

Without this emotive convergence of selves with other which love brings about, we wouldn’t have compassion, harmony, understanding, etc. for each other—ever. Instead there’d only be hatred for others occasionally sprinkled with utter indifference to their states of being—this being something which makes most of us miserable ourselves.

Romantic love is quite wonderful when you have it due to its immediate intimacy—applicable to newly formed lovers just as much as it is to people yet happily married after 50 years together. I nevertheless think this form of love is neither the pinnacle nor core of what love is or can be. It is only one manifestation of it. So if one is only addressing romantic love, its good when it happens, but I don’t believe it’s indispensable for living life with love.

This user has been deleted and all their posts removed.

Thanks :blush:

I am a deep thinker and cannot understand why love is so important. I keep shipwrecking relationships because I cannot seem to show or express love or my true self. How do you love? I have struggled my whole life with this. Why is it (love) so important if you never grew up with the sincerity and genuineness of it in the household. Please explain. — Danny

It's really quite simple. One's identity is formed from the relationships one has, and obviously, the earliest relationships set the tone. Growing up without genuine love and affection, one inevitably forms an identity as 'unlovable'. If I am unlovable, but I am desperate to be loved, then I have to perform, I have to fake being lovable, which means I fake loving, because everyone loves to be loved.

It doesn't work very well, because the reality of neediness always intrudes itself into the performance. I cannot express my true self, because I am unlovable, but that means that my relationships are always false, and the other, if they love, loves my false self, and not the real one. So I am never satisfied with the love I receive, because it is not 'for me', but for the mask I wear. My need for love is not met.

And so my childhood experience of being unlovable is confirmed by every relationship that I have, and the harder I try (to fake it), the worse it is. No book or insightful post is going to solve this problem, because books are even more incapable of love than I myself am.

"Hi there. I am greedy for love, desperate for love, but incapable of loving anyone, because I have never been loved. I am trying to be genuine here, but in actual relationships, I am incapable even of that, but will pretend to be other than I am. This will mean that I cannot accept your love, even if you give it, because I have not even let you see the real me. So I will come to resent and despise you for being so foolish as to have a relationship with me, and even more for having a relationship with the false me."

This is the kind of profile one does not see on dating sites; if folks were honest, something like this would be the norm, and I hope it is clear that honesty is the prerequisite for love. You might like to have a listen to some Gabor Mate, here's a sample:

It's really fun and interesting to read all these posts. I don't disagree with any of them but each is presented from a different perspective, obviously dependent on personal history and experience. Some hopeful, some not so. Some philosophical, some heartfelt. Some the way things should be, some the way things are.

My 5-year old kid asked me something similar a few days ago. "Dad, explain love to me"' (It is a style of question that he enjoys, this "explain X to me").

I told him that love is the will to like someone else, regardless of what he does, or of what happens in the surroundings. So, for instance, even if he does something naughty that makes me angry or sad with him, as long as I keep the will to like him -- even though at that angry or sad exact moment I am "not liking him" very much -- then I still love him. The will to like is there even if the liking is not.

Then I explained that in our relationship, I don't think he will ever be able to do something so horrendously evil to make me lose that will to like him. And that this also applies to my relationship with his mom, or sister. But then I said that there are many kinds of relationship between people, and in some cases people give up on that will to like because the other person does something that really hurts.

***

Child story aside, love is important because this will to like (places, animals, persons, God) is the core of a good human being ("good" in a teleological, rather than normative, sense). A person who does not "want to like" is a waste of atoms. Another way to put it: Love is the standard against which other movements of the soul should be judged. Joy, enthusiasm, camaraderie, and all other stuff which make life worth living is rooted in love, in the mature and constant disposition towards liking rather than disliking, towards empathy rather than contempt. And this disposition is never more noble than when it is directed toward your neighbor, including, obviously, your family.

***

A great, great book about love is Kierkegaard's Works of Love.

A person who does not "want to like" is a waste of atoms. — Mariner

Now that's not a very loving thing to say Mariner. What if it takes being loved to be able to learn how to love? Consider a child, younger than yours perhaps, who has not yet developed the will towards liking, which you describe. That person is not a waste of atoms despite not yet possessing this "want to like". And if young children can develop this will toward liking, by actually being loved, then why can't others? The older people might just be thrown aside as "a waste of atoms" because no one cares about them.

Teleological, not normative.

Hyperbole, not description.

The proportion of children lacking a powerful, instinctive "will to like" is precisely 0%, by the way; an observation that sheds plenty of light upon this issue. Unlovingness is 100% taught.

The proportion of children lacking a powerful, instinctive "will to like" is precisely 0%, by the way; an observation that sheds plenty of light upon this issue. — Mariner

I think we need to remove the ambiguity from "like" here. I see that babies "like" in a selfish way, such as they like to eat, but to develop this type of "like" into a meaningful "love" is another thing.

Unlovingness is 100% taught. — Mariner

I agree that unlovingness is 100% taught, but this doesn't mean that lovingness isn't also 100% taught. These things develop from a capacity, and the same capacity lends itself to the two opposing characteristics, the good or the bad.

Unlovingness is 100% taught. — Mariner

I like the story about your son and I like the way you look at love, although it's not the way I think of it. As for unlovingness being 100% taught, that's not how I see it. Empathy is a capacity, an intelligence, a talent we are given. Different people have different amounts. Maybe to a certain extent it can be taught. Not sure. I'm pretty sure it can be broken, which I guess is your point.

Anyway, as Merle Haggard sang:

I turned 21 in prison doing live without parole
No one could steer me right, but mama tried, mama tried
Mama tried to teach me better but her pleadings I denied
That leaves only me to blame, cause mama tried.

Great song.

Love is warm, while logic is cold. Logic without compassion or empathy leads to psycophathy while emotions without sense leads to idiocy. A scientific mind detached and cold can rule the world but there will be no limit to cost.

hmm love is a strange thing indeed. Perhaps the most powerful force known to man. For me, love is entirely about honesty. One might not feel in the moment, but when one is one's in his words and actions to another, love is expressed automatically. I think this expression of love is different than "loving another person" i think that is a form of attachment. For example, young boys are attached to their mothers because they need them from birth through adolescence. Many men do not ever overcome this attachment, i have observed this many times.

In reference to T Clark's thought on empathy. I agree that it is something that we are born with but i also see it as something men must grow out of (i do not see the lack of it as a state of brokeness). I cannot think of a single purpose empathy serves between men. Woman on the other hand are naturally empathetic as it is their duty to nurture their offspring as most everybody probably understands.

@ SherlockH

I think love can certainly be cold. Infact i think it ought to be mostly cold with occasional moments of great warmth emanating from within our chests.

I am going to reflect more about your comment on logic and psychopathy and return here with my thoughts later. I do agree with your point about emotions lacking sense leading to idiocy.

What I mean is lack of love is bad. It makes a person cold and while you can turn to logic, that alone will make you inhumane. A man without humanity has no limits and a man shown no kindness might lack compassion. This leads to a very cold human being.

Why is it (love) so important if you never grew up with the sincerity and genuineness of it in the household. Please explain. Thank you.

Our existence lacks any purpose without love, regardless of money, possessions and all the trappings of success.

...love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence

Erich Fromm