You have suffered a lot -- particularly child abuse, PTSD, depression, attempted suicide, and losing the love of your life. I can only guess what all that was like.

But... Congratulations! You found a way back to the surface; you found a new life; you experienced a metanoia, butterfly emerging from its chrysalis. All that takes courage, to accept what is and integrate it into a positive new whole.

All to the good!

Yes, I should, could, would write a book; I'm trying, but... A draft of my life's story (which was part of the book) is perhaps buried on the hard drive of a 40 year old Mac plus in the basement. There it may stay forever... Of course, It's my story, so I can always tell it again, but that first round was unusually thorough and frank.

I've done lots of research on national gay history, interviewed a batch of people, and have been interviewed myself for some other people's books on local gay history. The trouble is, a lot of my curiosity was sated in the process of doing the research. But yes, I should write the damn book.

I am also gay.

Since then I have found someone I love more and whom loves me much more. So I didn't lose the love of my life, but at the time I thought I did!

Glad you are OK, and able to share the story. I've heard that it's the cowards way out; but, it definitely takes some balls to commit suicide.

When you get to that point you simply don't care about anything. What is crazy is it was like rebirth, because I came to grips with my death and I became okay with it and I faced it. When I woke up I couldn't even walk. I thought I had brain damage. And my body was wet with sweat, as if I jumped into a swimming pool.

After I woke up I was still depressed. But I realized through this depression and through all of this how strong I really was, being able to take care of myself ALONE after I should have been dead.
I realized that these emotions that had been affecting me... I never accepted them. I never accepted their reality. I always could not come to grips with their actuality. — Blue Lux

It is well known that a lot of unpleasant physical symptoms - inflammation, muscle spasm, fever, and so on, are the result of the body's healing processes and defences. So it is quite reasonable to suppose that mental symptoms are similarly the attempt of the mind to heal itself. The question I tend to ask of a depressed person, at some stage is "what are you depressing?" And it is exactly those unacceptable, unbearable feelings that depression protects one from, at the cost, unfortunately, of protecting one from any positive feelings as well. I think of depression as a mind-spasm protecting a mental trauma.

Thanks for telling your story so eloquently.