Being a Stoic, and Talking to people,

Perchperkins

Greetings all!
This is my first post here.

A little backstory to explain the situation.

My name is nick, I am a 20 year old college student. I was bullied a lot as a kid and this did a few things psychologically to me. First off, I have social anxiety, which I am on a small dose of medication for. Second, I am painfully self aware and conscientious. Third, I am a natural stoic in the sense that I have ben de-sensitized to emotion. I do feel lots of emotion, and I pull meaning out of lots of things and events around me, however it is hard to really be a good "people person" and connect with people, because I struggle to sympathize with them. I always approach situations and dilemmas from a very logical standpoint, and I always neglect any emotion that may sway my views. I do this when making pretty much every decision in my life. (this is both good and bad)

My goal is to get into real estate. I have a friend who I envy who is a mentor to me, who lives in Florida. He moved down there on his own dime at 18, and two years later he is now selling multi-million dollar homes and is meeting incredible people every day. This seems incredibly appealing to me. The sole reason he got to where he is, is because he is a phenomenal people person. He knows how to connect with people and make people feel wanted.

Currently I work at a Limousine business. I FEEL that I don't want to leave this job because we are a tight knit family business and everybody here is a blast but I KNOW that this job is not giving me the skills I need to be a better people person. ( I take reservations over the phone).

Ive known that this job isn't helping me reach my full potential for a year or so and because of it I have become very bitter towards myself because I didn't do what I KNOW is right and find another job.

Currently, if a Job opens up as a sales consultant at AT&T near me, I am going to take the job as quickly as I can. It will help me develop people skills as I will be talking to people face to face every day. (and ill make more money.)

As for now, How can I develop better people skills and better underlying philosophies for approaching conversations. I notice I tend to seek attention in conversation and always talk about myself. Its almost natural for me to do so. I also know that it's more important to talk about other people in conversation and that this is a secret to making people feel better in a conversation.

I am kind of stuck and do not know where to start. My real estate friend Jeremy tole me to work on my "Intent" when I approach a conversation. Basically before I converse, I ask myself "what is my intention for this conversation". This helps me stay on track and guide a good conversation.

I need more advice on how to connect with people in conversation. Any help?

tim wood

I need more advice on how to connect with people in conversation. Any help? — Perchperkins

Seems to me like you're doing reasonably well. There are books and courses on how to be with other people. My guess is that you don't have too much trouble with that, but more with boundaries and what you talk about. If you're a college student in the US, you have access to counseling. Use it. Use it!! Not because you're a wacko - though you may well be - but because a decent counselor can in a short time make your life better in ways that, if you tried to do it yourself, might take years, if you ever get there. That is your assignment: go to your college health center and sign up for some counseling.

Embarrassed? Think of it as a kind of sex therapy. What might you pay to have legal sex with a professional sex worker whose business it is to make you both feel and be better? Silly? Healthy people have more better sex. And only dorks think counseling is bad.

Here's a trick for conversation. It's extremely simple, not as easy as it sounds, and very powerful. In a conversation, the instant anyone else speaks, you stop speaking and give them your complete attention, and do not interrupt them (even if they interrupted you).

Fooloso4

↪Perchperkins

Despite your claims to the contrary, what you say betrays a great deal of emotional attachment - to wealth, to meeting interesting people, to connecting with people, connection to family business.

Since this is a philosophy forum, I will quote one of Socrates' favorite exhortations: know thyself.

I think your friend Jeremy is not too far off, but it is not just a matter of intent but of the question of why you intend something.

As far as connecting with people: ask questions about them and listen. Most people who will you let talk about themselves will end up finding you to be much more interesting.

Baden

↪Perchperkins

As @Fooloso4 indicated, you seem to have a lot of ideas about what you should be and should do with little apparent thought as to why. Why do you want to be like your friend? Why do you want to 'connect' and for what? Is there something inherently good about wealth, status and popularity? Because it's not self evident any more than thinking your friend is a bore who you should avoid like the plague, and that you should keep to yourself and read books all day rather than wasting time talking to people. :)

Baden

Oh, and welcome to TPF!

Perchperkins

↪tim wood

↪Baden

↪Fooloso4

Thank you all for the warm welcome and I will address a few of your points.

I believe people should look at who they envy, and strive to be like them

A deeper meaning in the context of my friend is that he dedicated himself to his field, and became very successful at only 19 years old. It does not matter what field I pick, I will envy anyone who has dedicated themself to that field and who has become successful at it.

I envy a successful real estate agent
I envy a successful classical pianist
I envy a successful plumber
I envy a successful business owner
etc....

The way I see it, It does not matter what field you pick (to an extent). If you dedicate yourself to it and become successful, I believe that I will find value and prosperity and a sense of being fulfilled if and only if you dedicate yourself to succeeding in that field.

Now don't get me wrong, my stoic self knows that most people who chase success fail, and that im not guaranteed to succeed, however most people are just....most people. Ive been told and am aware that my mindset already puts me ahead of at least 90% of people, as I always seek improvement, and want to know what I am doing wrong, whether its at the gym, or at my job. I care about all my mistakes and I want to be the best I can be.

My mindset is like a religion and I see whatever it is I want to do as an ultimate sacrifice. it goes like this

>Am I producing the desired result
>If the answer is no, then there is something about the process that I am doing that is wrong.

Like if I walk into chipotle and immediately say "fuck you" my burrito won't get made
But If I change "the process" and walk in with a smile and greet them nicely, they might give me extra steak.

If you change the process, you change the result, and you get extra steak in the process.

Now before I dedicate my self to anything, I want to make sure I pick a career that can provide me with everything I need. Thats why I want to do real estate.

I can feel socially fulfilled and know a lot of people
I can make good money and provide for myself and have a virtually limitless potential.
I can also show people cool homes all the time and negotiate with people

It seems a lot more fun than a 9-5 job. Real estate seems to offer a whole package of cool stuff for one job.

So to answer @baden 's "why do you want to be like your friend?" question, I want to be like any successful person, by dedicating myself to something and becoming successful.

And to answer fooloso4's question, I intend to be successful so I can provide for myself.

Sorry to be very elaborate and write paragraphs, but doing so helps me aligns my own thoughts.

BC

I notice I tend to seek attention in conversation and always talk about myself. Its almost natural for me to do so. — Perchperkins

Everybody likes to talk about themselves; why should you be any different?

My goal is to get into real estate. I have a friend who I envy who is a mentor to me, who lives in Florida. He moved down there on his own dime at 18, and two years later he is now selling multi-million dollar homes and is meeting incredible people every day. This seems incredibly appealing to me. The sole reason he got to where he is, is because he is a phenomenal people person. He knows how to connect with people and make people feel wanted. — Perchperkins

And he isn't taking medication for anxiety, I bet. He may be ideally cut out for selling real estate in Florida. You might not be. Mercifully, most people are not suited for selling expensive real estate in a part of the country that will be under water before too many years.

Ive known that this job isn't helping me reach my full potential for a year or so and because of it I have become very bitter towards myself because I didn't do what I KNOW is right and find another job. — Perchperkins

Most employers are not in the business of helping people reach their full potential. You are working there to help your boss reach HIS full potential. That's just the way the world works. You can improve your people skills wherever you happen to be, as long as you are around other people. You are working your way through college. A job is a job; most jobs aren't going to be thrilling experiences. I worked in various jobs for 42 years, and most of the time working was not terribly enjoyable. Maybe... 10 years in all were really good. The other 32 -- pfffftttt. But that's just life as it is. There is a reason people have to be paid to go to work. Nobody would do it for free.

Be nice to other people. Listen to them as much as you can. (But, to be honest, we all want to talk about ourselves, too. I AM the most interesting person I know, after all.) Say pleasant things to other people, even if it is faked. Try to say it like you mean it. (That's what small talk is about. It's important, even if it 99% bogus. It isn't what we say in small talk; it's that we are standing together chatting pleasantly, that is important.)

Accept who you are. That may seem difficult; who wants to be a socially anxious person on medication? Well, that's where you are right now, and you are doing the best you can with the cards you were dealt. The cards we get are mostly a matter of luck, not because we deserve them, and we may not ever get a hand that will win all the money on the table.

Remember: you are a young person. You are still working on who you are.

BC

↪Perchperkins

Oh my! It IS SO EASY to shovel good advice off the back of the truck. Be sure to take it with a grain (or 10) of salt.

Being a Stoic, and Talking to people,

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