Anyway, it doesn't sound like a personal issue. More of the sort where society just doesn't want to deal with such epistemic and phenomenological concerns.

Put bluntly, maybe there is a part of you that misses the guy that took advantage of you, and there might be a part of you that hates him for imposing on you these memories. I don't know, do you?

I have my therapist to turn to when navigating through my traumas and to help me manage my mental condition (along with my psychiatrist) atm.

I know homelessness has me run into more stressers and vulnerable situations, which doesn't bode well for my stability. Being on the streets can bring back past memories, which coalesce with equivalent present instances.

My best coping mechanism is to assess my thoughts, actions and beliefs, then, to do all I can to make sense of it all and trace both the ramifications independent of my choices and those which do result from said choices, which is what I am doing now amongst you guys. It's not all I'm doing, but sharing with peers -- whether virtually or in the real world -- is insightful and constructive.

Understanding my self and further understanding that self in the context of the World I find myself is the best remedy for my affliction. Medicine and counseling are helpful tools (and in my case, essential to turn to concurrently), but this conversation -- the addressing of my personal issues and how it might likely be synthesized and approached in interactivity by a civilization with complications of it's own -- is the most vital element in my "treatment".

I feel the need to do my best to investigate what leads to my malfunctions. I may never figure out a full answer; I'm okay with that fate, as long as I never resign to stop trying to fathom the entirity of these subsequent circumstances.

Thanks guys, this thread has given me significant support.

I guess if I'm not going to stop calling the World I'm in into question, it's only fair that I also never stop calling myself into question. Considering awareness seems to be a general preoccupation of mine.

This "cis" business was cooked up by misfits who decided that they were normal and everybody else required a new adjective. Ok, so I'm being sarcastic, but that's what it amounts to. The most adventurous sexual theorizers groove on sexual fluidity. They are trying to convince us that binary sexuality is a horror and an abomination. Hence, "cis" gendered people are burdened with their restrictive normality.

So, no. The vast majority are not cisgendered. The fact of the matter is that a small minority are misgendered.

I began having what is considered to be an unhealthy and "immoral" sexual relationship with a 34 year old man when I was 10 years of age; this lasted until I was about to turn 14 — THX1138

How do you classify this experience in your life? Traumatic? Troublesome? Ambiguous? Pleasant? Good? Have you experienced negative experiences by telling others (your mother, for example - or your therapist) about this relationship? Do you think the relationship played a causal role in your mental condition, or was it incidental?

All sorts of things happen to children. Myriad events in our home lives, school, play, civic and religious organizations, etc. are good, indifferent, and bad. We have all had them (not necessarily sexual). Children are adventurous and explore -- sometimes running into problems that are difficult to solve.

All that just to say, your experiences are not isolated and unique. We all have complicated 'histories'. And yes, children seek out sex with other children. Seems pretty normal to me.

I guess if I'm not going to stop calling the World I'm in into question, it's only fair that I also never stop calling myself into question. Considering awareness seems to be a general preoccupation of mine. — THX1138

I don't see how that is possible. You have some options here:

Turn inward and internalize the issue, leading to some future ailments or exacerbation of current ones.
Look outward and blame society for what happened to you and form an attitude of disregard and hate.
Become indifferent towards both your internal and external struggles and go along jolly well...

I'd pick becoming indifferent along with recognizing the frailty and ineptitude of society for landing you on the streets along with nobody being there when you most needed to consult with someone before making your decision to spend time with the pedophile.

By the way, is anyone helping you with homelessness? Don't know where you live or what your circumstances are.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like a personal issue. More of the sort where society just doesn't want to deal with such epistemic and phenomenological concerns.

Put bluntly, maybe there is a part of you that misses the guy that took advantage of you, and there might be a part of you that hates him for imposing on you these memories. I don't know, do you? — Wallows

To answer your question directly, yes, I happen to miss him.

Not simply nor mostly because together we were taboo, defiant and undermining a society the respectively eat us up (though I did get a thrill out of that), essentially because I euphamistically feel he was the one who pulled me up out of the sea of negation I was drowning in and made it possible for me to take my first life infusing breath from the the ocean of pain and hatred pulling me under. The before mentioned pain and hatred from the very people that now also hold this perception against me.

Because apparently, it's not at all pertinent to point out their abuse and explain themselves for it, the only problem in all of this is how I decided to cope with it. Ha, I love how they conveniently exclude themselves from the heavily influential conditions that drove me to the alternative they find unacceptable, all the while not being at all troubled by their own abuse, disqualifying their treatment of me which started me on this road to begin with. It's like them saying "I know I cut you, but that's not excuse enough for you to bring disgrace to us all by having desperately sought damage control in bandaging your wound with the first thing you can use to attempt nursing yourself -- the nearby garement of Holyman -- to reduce losing any more of your sinfully staining blood. You've adulterated a thing of sanctity and committed sacrilege."

(Not a passive-aggressive reference to you btw Wallows, just some residual anger at others' 'pick and choose' way of approaching about my past)

If by "there might be part of you that hates him for imposing on you these memories", you're referring to my tendency to look back on my time with him with good regard and how it correlates to my general attitude toward statutes defining rape and my personal interpretion of rape, but, that it's ultimately resulted in harsh backlash from others ,and in turn, acutely aggravated my paranoia. If deep down, I hate him for not being deterred when considering the the ramification of ignomy concerning our sexual relationship that I'd surely have to deal with whenever I'd finally make what happened known to others? Truthfully, no.

Don't get me wrong, it's not lost on me that what I did with an adult as a child was significant. So was sex with my eleven year old cousin when I was five. So was me not discouraging a curious six year old from letting me be a receiving participant of oral sex when I myself was nine.

Clearly, I wasn't without my experience and any virginity I had was outgrown years before.

I wonder, if anyone condemning my sexual interaction with an adult man would see all that led up to that encounter as indication of neglect, trauma, abuse... of not having those around me whom were supposed to give enough of a damn invested enough to have me focus on other things that would actually allow me to appreciate and develop my innate interests, and in turn, myself -- instead of choosing to not nurture me, preferring to contrarily proceed with the opposite of nuture by seeing to it to belittle me, and even encouraging others to join in. The unconscious impulses people are prone to that they don't acknowledge, even to themselves.

I don't understand why people have trouble grasping just how profoundly vicious everything before my sexual interaction with an adult man ultimately was, and that ironically enough, led me to seek out sex as an outlet. It just amusingly baffles me.

My agony wasn't then and is not now rooted in that relationship, though going through with it did seem to further complicate the already messed up set of conditions in my life. My sexual interaction with this man started when I was ten, but the pain and shame that made me receptive to going along with it (born from sheer rejection and social oppression), started earlier than even that, and in every way inevitably set me on the path to seeking an outlet of appreciation and acceptance elsewhere.

My mom was mortified by my mannerisms and by me being effeminate. I had no support, picked apart by strangers and people who knew of me alike while others like my grandparents and absentee father dreadfully interacted with me when it would look bad on their part if they hadn't. Most of the time, I was treated like an embarrassment or a joke. I had the opposite of support. From my parents to classmates, extended family members, church goers -- their commonly held ostracism of me -- and worse, their condescension -- made me lose all esteem and reinforcably compounded an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. Even from the age of seven, I already began meditating on fantasies featuring macabre suicidal ideations.

In a very twisted way, the memories I made with this "predator" allowed me to have something to hold me together while everyone treated me like a garbage can.

Wow, that's a lot to share. I will ponder over it over some time. In the meanwhile, try some meditation. You seem to be fragmented and have chosen to live in the past with these traumatic memories you are sharing. Just an observation; but, you seem to have sided with the ruthless exploitation of your would-be oppressor rather than with a community, the police, or friends. I'm not adept enough to give you advice on how to integrate these memories into your identity.

I hope you can find a home to further ensure some much-needed stability in your life.

a community, the police, or friends — Wallows

... but, these people were my oppressors.

I don't see these people as being inherently sadistic. I grew up during the 90's. It was a different time. Ignorance did not mean then what it does now.

... but, these people were my oppressors. — THX1138

Fatalism aside, do you still feel that way to this day?

A lot of people border on (or actually are) hysterical when it comes to childhood sexuality. Some children tend to be precocious in their sexual activity. I was, like you from an early age. I didn't have sex with an adult male, but I certainly thought about it. The hysterical reaction of people who compose your family and community can make an indifferent experience into either a traumatic, or a more traumatic one, post facto.

Had either one of us grown up in another time (not that distant) our sexual experiences would have been deemed much less significant. But since in the latter half of the 20th century (at least) sex between children and adults has been deemed always and totally bad.

I'm not arguing in favor of adult/child sexual relationships. I'm just acknowledging that it happens, and is probably not always experienced as traumatic by the child. Many of us have a range of non-sexual experiences in our families that we wish we had not had. People can, and do, behave badly toward us. As adults we have to find a way of putting bad experiences away -- either through therapy, maturation, or just plain denial, if one can make that work.

So I wish you well. I hope you find everything you need.

Fatalism? Ouch. Well, you're allowed your subjectivity, so am I.

In general, no, I don't feel oppressed by the public like I had back then. I also have the added benefit of not having to be under the guardianship of someone who's not suitable to raise a homosexual child (or any kid not wanting to be made to abide to cult-like Christianity). So, I don't feel oppressed by my "mother" or the church either.

I do feel damaged though, I can't deny that.

Funny enough, the individuals whom have threatened to libel me are nearly all gay. Funnier still, many of them have their own stories about childhood sexual encounters with adults (neighbors, cousins, brothers, uncles, stepdads, even fathers and older friends of fathers). Even though they've snugly told me their accounts with a mischievous gleam in their eyes, they ultimately feel pedophilia is abhorrent and henious now. How convienent, guess there's a method to having your cake and eating it too after all.

So, I'm fatally (it seems) surrounded by hypocrites threatening to blast me because I'm honest about how I feel over my experience.

I don't underestimate the gay community, especially those in it who also happen to be harpies and junkie techies.I've been accused of rape by meth addicts, among other things.

So yes, I still feel fractionally oppressed. These could be empty threats, but they've already made good on dragging my name through the mud and stealing my phone before.

I guess it's unacceptable not to paint myself as a victim for having sex with an adult and feeling victimized by my peers and family instead.

So, just taking a step back.

You, THX1138 have made the claim that if someone wanted to they could track you through invading your privacy.
I say there's nobody after you to quell your anxiety and paranoia.
You say that the police, the community you live in, friends, and other people are not your enemies yet play mind tricks with you like gaslighting and such stuff and were your oppressors in regards to the valence of your experiences.
I say that this view is distorted by most likely your diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder and inability to integrate your experiences into a holistic whole.
You say that the pedophile that exploited you was some imagined father figure who showed you (possibly or in your view at least) love and care. Some promises may have been made and secrets to be kept by him towards you to feed this narrative.
I would say that what he did was wrong to be a child molester and predator.
Now, you would disagree with me on grounds of the authenticity and genuineness of the experience. I mean, some people like to drive their cars fast to get a thrill out of it, whilst I kind of grew out of that urge to wake up at 3AM and race on the freeway.

Is the straw man complete?

Now, I should ask, what are your goals in life after all these misfortunes that happened to occur to you, rather, unfortunately?

Fatalism? Ouch. Well, you're allowed your subjectivity, so am I. — THX1138

I didn't mean it in the derogative sense that you'll always feel this way about the whole issue. It's just my sentiment that psychology is fatalistic in how they view motivations stemming from past experiences, instead of future rewards or goals in mind, where adaptation and the survival instinct reigns supreme.

I do feel damaged though, I can't deny that. — THX1138

In what sense? Morally, mentally, psychologically, or some other adjective?

Funny enough, the individuals whom have threatened to libel me are nearly all gay. Funnier still, many of them have their own stories about childhood sexual encounters with adults (neighbors, cousins, brothers, uncles, stepdads, even fathers and older friends of fathers). Even though they've snugly told me their accounts with a mischievous gleam in their eyes, they ultimately feel pedophilia is abhorrent and henious now. How convienent, guess there's a method to having your cake and eating it too after all. — THX1138

Glad your reaction is to laugh at the issue. I say try surrounding yourself with a different company or crowd instead of exposing yourself to future misgivings by other people.

So, I'm fatally (it seems) surrounded by hypocrites threatening to blast me because I'm honest about how I feel over my experience. — THX1138

Yeah, so change the crowd to more caring and emphatic people instead of exposing yourself (in some fatalistic manner) to abuse.

I never claimed the police, nor my family, nor friends (which I can count, even having a hand with missing digits, if that were the case) were playing mind tricks, gaslighting me or are my present oppressors.

I doubt law enforcement would have any grounds to monitor me. Monitoring specific individuals long term they suspect of pedophilia is not generally their method of investigation, from my understanding. They would more likely stake out online sites and areas where children run a greater risk of being preyed on, from what I understand about standard local law (though regionalism in the US is a significant factor in policing protocol, that's for sure). Still, doubt they'd get an okay to hack a specified person's phone or laptop, unless it was serious, but then, I'd probably be looked into by DHS, which I feel sure is not the case with me.

My family treats me like a joke, but not like a monster, so, I doubt they'd be out to implicate me of anything other than being a lowlife and a loser -- even when a good portion of them are drunks, addicts, deadbeats, sloths, shysters 'n all.

The friends that I still maintain know my of my past and are very understanding and open-minded. I feel very confident they wouldn't deceptively continue our friendship if they didn't trust me. I don't have those kinds of "friends" at this point.

The degree I feel that I may be hacked, my privacy exploited is turbulent and circumstantial. There are stretches of time where I am more acutely concerned with this suspicion than other times, and yes, I accept this is driven by symptom of my mental condition, but, this may also be the reason the people I've shared sensitive information with may've cruelly played on my state of mind in implanting the threat of exposing their interpretation of what I told them. My mind is a greenhouse to the seed of suspicion they've planted.

{I don't know if this was edited out, or if it was a secondary additional post I made to add to this one that also got caught by a filter and hasn't been recovered along with this post, but, I'd also like to make a reference, which I remember mentioning within this context. If, however, it actually was edited out, is still found to be unacceptable to share and is removed again, then I'd like to reassure I'm not defiantly rementioning this to undermine your previous censorship, I'm only trying to convey all factors at play in my current situation as fully as I can and am unsure if what I stated was censored or simply remains unrecovered. If it's the former, then in that case, forgive me, and remove this mention again.}

---

The people I confided sensitive information to about my past and how I feel about it -- whom have ended up rallying against me in the end -- were mostly other gay men whom range from addicted yet functional drug users with lucrative careers (at least two I've met were computer programmers whom considered themselves hackers, one of them already having criminal charges for cyber crimes) and esteemed reputations, to substance abusers with the singular thought of fueling their possessive dependency. The latter would do anything to others -- begging, threaten to or actually go through with hurting, stealing, prostituting themselves, etc. -- to stave off withdrawal for a while, In my case, one of them resorting to accusing me of raping him (which I did not).

They're an unfortunate clique, centered in networking on the basis of drugs and sex that I regret ever letting myself briefly get caught up in.

---

So, I don't know what to more or less believe as for how far they've already taken it (stealing my phone, shouting my name followed by pedo related pejoratives and throwing bottles at me as they drive by, pretty much sabotaging my visits to gay establishments by spreading rumors and feeding people who don't know me misconstrued information, etc) and how much further they'll go.

I can care less if they've only ensured I can't enjoy a day out at a gay establishment as a result of the thorough torching of reputation they've perpetuated among club and bar regulars. I've never really had a stellar reputation to begin with.

It would, however, bother me if they don't stop there. And they've personally said as much.

Was it just them bluffing? I hope so. I'd like to have some semblance of tranquility in the future.

lol, I wrote a detailed response to this which has now ceased to exist.

I don't believe my family. nor police, nor friends are gaslighting me or playing mind tricks.

Message a mod. Probably got caught by the spam filter accidentally.

Sorry if I asserted that if untrue. Like I said straw men are bound to arise over such an intricate topic.

Best regards.

I do sometimes wonder if certain people I unwisely confided in -- whom have implanted in my susceptible greenhouse of a mind the seed of threatening to perpetuate what they personally interpreted from what I shared with them -- are intent on sabotaging the chances of me leading some semblance of a tranquil life in the future. I wonder how realistic it is that they'd be able to achieve this and why they seem so motivated to.

But, this thematic paranoia is turbulent and circumstantial.

I don't believe law enforcement would really have any interest or have the heads up to be looking into me by thoroughly hacking me. Unless DHS believes I'm an eminent threat, local law enforcement are more likely to scope out certain hook-up online sites, and patrol areas likely to harbor predators lying in wait to prey on minors when going about investigating offenses of pedophilia, from what I understand.

I can see how you can be lead to make that assertion, Wallow.

You haven't offended me at all. Actually, I'm appreciative of your dedicated concern.

Yeah, just to give you some reassurance that my intentions are clear, I am not a psychologist, am on disability myself due to schizophrenia/psychotic disorder, and I'm not trolling you otherwise I would have been banned a long time ago on this site. Though, people with less than sincere intentions can come along (doubtful). So, what I'm saying is I can relate in some small manner or form.

Do you mind me asking what antipsychotic are you taking? I'm like a Hindu cow on Zyprexa (Olanzapine). 20mg once a day. Haha.

Cool, so what are your grand plans in the scheme of things, disregarding everything that has been said thus far, catharsis and all that jazz?

A lot of people border on (or actually are) hysterical when it comes to childhood sexuality. Some children tend to be precocious in their sexual activity. I was, like you from an early age. I didn't have sex with an adult male, but I certainly thought about it. The hysterical reaction of people who compose your family and community can make an indifferent experience into either a traumatic, or a more traumatic one, post facto.

Had either one of us grown up in another time (not that distant) our sexual experiences would have been deemed much less significant. But since in the latter half of the 20th century (at least) sex between children and adults has been deemed always and totally bad.

I'm not arguing in favor of adult/child sexual relationships. I'm just acknowledging that it happens, and is probably not always experienced as traumatic by the child. Many of us have a range of non-sexual experiences in our families that we wish we had not had. People can, and do, behave badly toward us. As adults we have to find a way of putting bad experiences away -- either through therapy, maturation, or just plain denial, if one can make that work.

So I wish you well. I hope you find everything you need. — Bitter Crank

My sentiment exactly. Thank you for your kind hope, Bitter Crank. :)

Cool, so what are your grand plans in the scheme of things, disregarding everything that has been said thus far, catharsis and all that jazz? — Wallows

Yeah, that's what I'm holding out for. It probably comes as no surprise that I have an interest in the fantasy genre (being schizophrenic 'n all), and I especially like allegorical stories with layers of symbolism and profound meaning, like Paradise Lost and Demian: The Story of Emil Sinclair's Youth.

If I can eventually reach a sufficient state of catharsis -- of stability and consistent enough functionality -- I'd love to pour the aspects of life that I'm most familiar with into fiction. Maybe go as far as having a place of my own, having a car, holding down a job I can manage to do without being unreasonably treated.

One step at a time though.

By the way, is anyone helping you with homelessness? Don't know where you live or what your circumstances are. — Bitter Crank

I had a friend stay out here with me for a while. I'm alone now, but it's probably best this way.

How do you classify this experience in your life? Traumatic? Troublesome? Ambiguous? Pleasant? Good? Have you experienced negative experiences by telling others (your mother, for example - or your therapist) about this relationship? Do you think the relationship played a causal role in your mental condition, or was it incidental?

All sorts of things happen to children. Myriad events in our home lives, school, play, civic and religious organizations, etc. are good, indifferent, and bad. We have all had them (not necessarily sexual). Children are adventurous and explore -- sometimes running into problems that are difficult to solve.

All that just to say, your experiences are not isolated and unique. We all have complicated 'histories'. And yes, children seek out sex with other children. Seems pretty normal to me. — Bitter Crank

I would say my experience felt undamaging (if that's even a word). All the negative input strangling me seemed to dissipate in that instance of connection. It was a dynamic that contradicted all the shame people projected onto me and even helped me fight off wanting to kill myself.

I knew then that it was possible to be loved for who I was. That I wouldn't die never having been special to someone and forever being inadequate, a mistake of nature. At the time, it was something I desperately needed, because up until that point, I felt doomed to be perpetually alone and unwanted, remaining the brunt of the cruel cracks people would make about me.

As far as this correlating to my mental condition, in hindsight it seems apparent to me I was already well underway to developing mental illness (so, incidental for the most part). I actually believe I would have avoided developing certain sexual fetishes but in exchange, would have been sinking further into the abyss of worse disorders or state of mind, being being deprived of affection.

My traumas were not sexual in nature, they were social, mostly tainted with psychological abuse in the form of attacking facets of my identity.

It's true, minors having consensual sex (even as young as I was when I became sexually active) are more common than people (especially parents) want to believe, and somehow seem to forget from their own childhood.