A philosophy to deal with the frustration related to the lack of romantic love

Alan

Hi there. This is my first post. I guess first I shall clarify what I mean with romantic love or rather, what it is not to me. Romantic love is not the one I feel for anyone in my family or any of my male friends, as I'm attracted to women. Romantic love is what I feel for a girl who I like both physically and mentally in a very intense way, this kind of feeling almost always comes together with significant amount of sexual attraction to this person. I may be competely flawed regarding what the right name of what I feel is and therefore I apologize beforehand; in that case please clarify what the real name is so we can move on. Also, since english is not my mother language please excuse my mistakes.

Some background: I've been single for almost 10 years, I'm 24 now. Why am I single? Well, it's been a combination of undecision, fear and what some people may call "bad timing" (I don't like that term, though). Anyway, I feel frustrated very often because of me being unable to start relationships despite my attempts. Also, many girls I like are now in a romantic relationship or suddenly get into one. You may say, "hey, you're just a kid, you haven't even been through real frustration coming from love" but that just won't make things any better, there's just no way for me to know that kind of frustration yet and so you can't expect me to understand by using words alone; it's obviously subjective to each one of us.

I'm not looking to improve the way I approach the women I like or to learn seduction tricks or whatever. I'm looking for a way to understand my frustration and to live with it as a minor problem in my life or no problem at all. I've found in philosophy better ways to look at the problems in life, not to get rid of them as they are inherent. In this particular case I haven't found almost anything helpful and therefore I request insights from you on this topic. I just want to clarify first that I don't like advice coming from romanticism such as "you'll find the right one when you expect her the less" I don't even think that makes any sense.

I know this kind of sentimental issues may be trivial to many of you given the complexity of the questions many of you have written in this forum but please bear with me or at least recommend me some other please to talk about this.

Thanks a lot!

Shawn

I know this kind of sentimental issues may be trivial to many of you given the complexity of the questions many of you have written in this forum but please bear with me or at least recommend me some other please to talk about this. — Alan

So, you've heard the concept of reciprocity I'm sure. I say start from scratch. Become friends with a woman instead of "falling" in love, and go from there.

Sir2u

I've been single for almost 10 years, I'm 24 now. — Alan

? Say what?

How could a 14 year old kid be considered as anything but single, you don't believe in child marriages do you?

praxis

I'm looking for a way to understand my frustration and to live with it as a minor problem in my life or no problem at all. I've found in philosophy better ways to look at the problems in life, not to get rid of them as they are inherent. — Alan

You don’t understand your frustration? I think you do.

You want it to be a minor problem? One solution would be to acquire bigger problems, such as having to defend against criminal charges or perhaps a serious medical issue, so that your romantic life would be relatively minor or a lower priority. I can’t say that I recommend this course however.

Seeing problems as inherent in life is a philosophical outlook, albeit rather pessimistic.

Alan

↪Wallows

Thanks for your answer.
I agree that I should become friends with women first instead of falling in love with them right away. I just don't know where the limits are so I'm not perceived as a shoulder to cry on. I don't even know if I should make phone calls or send text messages instead which by the way are rarely answered.

Alan

↪Sir2u

Thanks for answering,
I guess this is just some kind of cultural difference: where I live we do not consider single somebody who has a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Usually some people argue that lack of experience because of a short age leads to misunderstand problems that could be neglected by grown ups and that was the point of my quotes there. However, that does not help me feel any better.

Alan

↪praxis

Thank you for your answer.
well, maybe understanding my frustration won't be any helpful here so I that issue can remain on hold.
I have certainly thought that having bigger problems could change my perspective but if that were true we would end up destroying ourselves and our families just to see the bigger picture. I think most of us would rather keep having the good things in life despite our problems. In that case I would like to know how to focus more in what I have now such as my family and friends and not what I lack. I mean, thinking about lacking something such as romantic love is even pointless at this moment but I still can't quit the delusion...

Why am I being pessimistic about problems and life? I do not expect perfection in any sense. Can you please tell me what your view is? I'm open to changing the way I think.

Alan

Please excuse the fact that I'm not quoting your exact words as it must be done. I'm still figuring out how to handle this forum out of a pc. Thanks for tour patience and also thanks again for your answers.

praxis

I mean, thinking about lacking something such as romantic love is even pointless at this moment but I still can't quit the delusion... — Alan

It’s a natural desire, and a good one, in my opinion. It’s not pointless or delusional to think about what you want. Obsession isn’t good of course.

Buddhist philosophy claims that grasping and desire lead to suffering. That makes a lot of intuitive sense, but we will always grasp and desire what we need or want. So the only solution is to remove ourselves, our selfness, from the equation, as much as possible anyway. The more we can do that the more we can relax and be more natural.

Alan

@praxis
What do you do to remove yourself from the equation?

praxis

↪Alan

Practice mediation daily.

Old Brian

Just an observation ... your question reminds me of my own path that resolved the question for me fifty years ago. I watched my high-school and college friends marry every weekend, it seemed. I began to perhaps panic a little as time passed. At age 22, I gave up dating and spent my time studying what relationship was about and what I needed to be doing to equip myself.

Things changed quickly. Married now for 48 years and still quite happy about it, we're still learning about relationship and what we need to do to equip ourselves for the opportunities ahead. There's much more, of course, but that was the starting point.

Alan

At age 22, I gave up dating and spent my time studying what relationship was about and what I needed to be doing to equip myself. — Old Brian

Hi, Old Brian. Firstly, thanks for your answer. How exactly did you find out how to equip yourself? Did you read any specific books? Did you talk to certain people?

Old Brian

Hi, Alan. It was years ago, so the material I read is probably gone.
The centerpiece of preparation is probably figuring out what it means to be an adult. :)
Questions that need answers for an adult mind:
What's my purpose? Self, wealth, success, ... things like that are relationship killers. How about doing well and making a difference?
What's important? Integrity, responsibility, accountability, a good conscience.
Real relationship; each is intimately invested in knowing and supporting the other. When tensions rise, just talking louder proves you don't understand anything.
What's hard but necessary? Identity and opinions aren't the same. Objectivity and willingness to learn are life savers. We learn the most from those who think differently from us, and the pace increases with passing years.
I'd do the church speech, but not every religious institution is realistic nor is everyone's experience with the church all that helpful. Just being religious is a fragile foundation for real life. The real part is what holds it all together.
It's the end of a long week, and there's much more to this one. Any specific issues?

Alan

↪Old Brian

sorry for taking too long to answer. I'm still figuring out what being an adult is to me. I'm sure that I do want to do well and make the difference. I always try to act ethically as best as I can. I'm willing to learn, I'm willing to listen as well. I greatly value conversations and I try my best not to focus just on the outside of people. I just don't know how to transmit all that to women. To make them know me.

Old Brian

Well then, Alan, you're perhaps on the right path. Let's note a couple of things ...
First, pursuing romance is about you, but love is about caring and giving.

I just don't know how to transmit all that to women. To make them know me. — Alan

Second, the transmitting part is easy.

The reality of interaction is that communication is maybe 15% word content, and the rest is broadcast through expression, tone, gesture, and the tenor of the conversation. We say so much without being aware of it. Shallow conversation is fine and fun, and our deeper self is quite visible in it.

Engaging in conversation that builds up understanding between two people is a skill that's learned experimentally. So, check your motive; if it's about you, it's selfish, and that is transmitted. If it's thoughtfully about them, they can tell, and they'll probably enjoy it.

Kicking off the process of getting to know someone and growing closer can start by asking questions and getting to know each other. Your part is to inquire and listen and actually care. What's important to them? As an occasional guideline, go three questions deep before you move on to another subject, and do NOT try to solve problems for them unless they specifically ask.

So the details of 'how' are perhaps easily acquired, but the key factor is that what you bring to the table is who and what you are.

One perspective, which may or may not be useful to you, is your purpose and intent in life. The future is wildly undefined, but if you've given your heart and mind to that which is good and true, you'll find yourself being continually and aggressively refined. You'll be a man with clarity and principle, equipped for what is coming. The alternative is to be conformed to cultural norms of selfishness and pleasure, stuff that doesn't satisfy or matter, stuff that wastes so many years.

You don't have to be ridiculously religious about it, but you might have that conversation with your heavenly father. You start with your commitment to what's right and good, and he follows with instruction and direction. At least, that's the way it worked for me.

Anything useful there?

A philosophy to deal with the frustration related to the lack of romantic love

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