You actually sound pretty sane to me, Wosret.

Much of what you wrote here seems pretty consistent with the constant internal dialogue that I'd imagine other intelligent introverts (hard to imagine an unintelligent one) with overly active minds experience.

Feeling isolated and alienated from the majority who seem to just kinda go through life without fundamentally questioning the values and beliefs that were inculcated into them during their formative years, and which now appear to be instinctual.

Having friends and careers and hobbies and basically doing what they've been told normal, healthy people do, and then eventually dying, preferably after a nice long retirement. Sure, to them you're probably 'weird,' or even insane.

That caricature isn't meant to disparage the crowd, since they really are the healthy and successful ones, but theirs isn't the path for all of us, and ideally we exceptions should learn to embrace the fact that we're different. They need us and we need them.

The sad fact IMO is that this current world--with it's heavy emphasis on things like speed and efficiency and money and results--doesn't really value people like you (or me), and so we won't get that validation we desire. We're not typically good company or organization guys, either, so that route to social recognition and career success is cut off from us, too.

May be an exaggeration, but seems like our 'type' is getting weeded out, and just when we're needed most. What would a Socrates or a Nietzsche would be doing today? Not suggesting we're anywhere near them in ability or intelligence, at least not me, but there is perhaps a certain similarity in disposition and temperament.

But anyway, you seem to have some critical distance from your thoughts, which would appear to be an important differentiating element between any diagnosis of sanity or insanity. You may suffer from a bit of paranoia regarding other peoples' (dis)honesty and intentions, but some caution and skepticism seems fairly reasonable to me.

You're alive, and life itself seems strange for some of us. Almost overwhelmingly strange at times--the whole 'philosophy begins in wonder' thing, and very few of us have a genuine interest in philosophy.

I'm obviously not a psychologist, or even particularly adept at philosophy, so take my own somewhat cathartic ramblings here with a grain of salt, and hopefully you'll be able to find a 'professional' who can help you, if indeed you think there's something wrong.

Something it has taken me a long time to realize is that it's a good idea to respect and limit the context in which you engage with most people. There's just too many people around in modern civilization to do otherwise. So with neighbors you stick with neighborhood issues and polite chat. If you have a hobby or interest and you go to a club or whatever, then stick to discussion around the interest. That's what others expect, and I can see why. After a considerable length of time the contexts might widen as trust and maybe also friendship are built up. If you have a personality with strong opinions then you might need to remind yourself to limit your outpourings (not so much in the virtual world of course!).

Thanks a lot. I should attempt to actually do some stuff, and not just deteriorate here, but I don't even attempt most things, gut a harsh judge, of myself as well as others. It would be nice to get over that...

It would be good to have someone to talk to, I don't really expect them to solve my problems, but just someone to tell them to would probably help me out a lot. I need to start doing stuff.

Thinking of maybe making some ghetto youtube videos talking about subjects that I like, and gotta stop putting it off. Need to clean myself up and stop just rotting here, and getting back to it, not going to improve anything but just thinking about what a crazy shit I am. I just would have liked to have held unto that insane level of pyschotic confidence that I had, but my aggression levels were also super high, and I was beginning to think that I was like the best ever... lol... when I'm alone, I think that my social persona is like super crazy.

I don't tend to talk to neighbors, and sometimes go to yoga, but I hardly ever talk to people there either. At stores and stuff the weather is my favorite topic. I tend to keep everyone at an arms length, and tend to hurt people for keeping them at an arms length, I barely even respond to texts and things with family. I don't relate well, and am not an entertainment device, so I don't want to entertain people, and like to keep things down to business. I would like to have closer relationships, but am terrible at that. I always ruin it, or simply am too afraid to actually associate with people I like, I guess because their judgments can hurt me.

Feel free to contact me anytime through PM. Not that I'd be of much help, mind you, but much of what you've written here resonates with me.

I do think that sometimes just making a basic human connection is extremely helpful: To know there's at least one person in this world who can relate to you, at least in part, and in a non-judgmental way. Someone who wont try to get you out of your troubled state right away in favor of a more 'normal' one, but will instead jump in with you (as much as possible) and be willing to share your pain. Doesn't seem like we're completely alone in our craziness, fortunately, and that in itself can be a comforting thought.

And yeah, it's extremely hard to find people like that whom you can trust. I feel fortunate to have made a couple good friends over the past few years--in addition of course to my wife and kids--whom I can pretty much be myself around and confide in without reservation.

Others would probably consider the above horrible advice by the way.

Anyhow I think you're right in your belief that you could benefit from engaging in activities, even if they're the trivial and mundane sort. I find that just being goofy with my boys, or playing catch with them, or watching a silly romantic movie with my wife, can give me a much needed break from my thoughts.

I've actually come to see these seemingly petty things as being of the utmost significance rather than just temporary diversions from more serious considerations. Zen sort of wisdom, I guess: "Magical Power, Marvelous Action...Chopping Wood, Carrying Water."

That probably sounds absurd to many people, but after going through so much inner turmoil I think I get the gist of it. Quieting the mind and engaging the world need not be thoughtless, but can be indicative of the most profound insight. We're most nearly ourselves when we achieve the seriousness of a child at play -- Heraclitus.

So while this world appears strange and often threatening, it's also pretty damn amazing. In my better moments I'm extremely appreciative of the fact that I was born, even if this 'I' and the world remain a bit (or more than a bit) enigmatic. Enlightened stupidity, perhaps. Or maybe just plain stupidity.

Apologies though if none of this was the least bit edifying.

Stop chasing the shadows and check out the Sun outside of the Cave.

Wise council, IMO.

Sounds like you have everything, and are nice and compassionate... I hate you now, lol.

I just needed to talk about myself, you know how it is. Feeling down mainly because of my circumstances, and never really having any support. My sister would like me to spend more time with her, and I always do feel better after hanging around with them, but I tend to isolate way too much.

I feel a lot better though, just getting to say that stuff, and having nice feedback like that. Thanks a lot.

Well Wosret, I'll offer you some free therapy, because, you know, why not? People like to talk about themselves and they like to hear about themselves even more. You've shared a lot here, so, based upon that information, I'm going to offer you an evaluation and advice.

You describe your father as passive, dependent, irresponsible, but very kind. You describe your mother as manipulative, domineering, and unkind. In short, your father is non-paternal and your mother non-maternal. All of this explains your own gender confusion. I'm sure there's more to it, but I'm not a real psychologist, so I could be wrong, although I never am.

You, despite your self-loathing, are a shining star operating within the underclass. You are very smart, very perceptive, very conscientious, and very moral. You work hard and your main focus is others. Your conscientiousness and hard work have created stability for others, although few (if any) of these others share in your conscientiousness or have your work ethic. As the result of their lack of shared values, they cling to you and take advantage of the resources you provide them without them offering anything in return other than their presence. You treasure their presence, even though you realize that they heavily burden you. The reason you treasure their presence is because you gain comfort from giving to others and you equate loneliness to meaninglessness. You need people you love around you, even if those others do nothing to show you that they love you back, and even if they only burden you in all sorts of ways.

The rung of society where you have found yourself is harsh and unkind. Most in the trailer park where you live do not share in your values or have your intellect, nor do most of the people you work with roofing houses. I'm not being judgmental here, and there are plenty of good folks (like yourself) who have found themselves struggling, but many are there due to inability to go anywhere else. You've convinced yourself that you're one of them. You're not.

There are two possible solutions here: (1) come to terms with your oppressive environment and those you interact with through counseling and self-exploration, or (2) get the hell out of there. #1 isn't going to happen. #2, as I noted in a prior post, is achieved through going to college, getting a better job, and moving up the socioeconomic ladder. #2 is hard. #1 impossible.

That is to say, the problem is not with the person sitting in the chair. The problem is with the chair you're sitting in. You are uncomfortable not because your body and mind are weak. You are uncomfortable because you're sitting in a broken chair. Get a new chair. You'll be amazed how much better you'll feel once you do that.

I don't know what to say. I should definitely try harder to move ahead in life. Can't go off to school because that shit ain't free, need to get any job at all, and then try to get into that. I should try writing some, even articles and try to get them published. Try to monetize some of my skills, and get involved more with others. Can't string pop bottles together and sail off to success island, but I could definitely be trying harder, and if I don't get shit together by 40, I almost certainly won't. I'm getting old, and feeling the pressure for sure.

I just don't try hard enough, I guess because I'm self-loathing. I really don't have much of an excuse, can't succeed if you don't try. I need to do more creative things, actually get a job or work up to it.

My fall back plan is to just write my magnum opus and be vindicated in generations to come...

My insanity is that I understand it if people are mean to me, but I can't quite get it if they're nice. It's like it doesn't compute. I wonder what they really mean, or what they want.

I noticed recently that smiling is like a social dominance thing. Smiling says "I'm not dangerous." I noticed because where I work there's a hierarchial situation. People below me smile at me all the time. People above me don't smile.

But I smile at everybody. It's insane.

Those that have abandoned the strategy of "stomp on those below your level, out-shine those on your level, and kiss up to those above" may very well have broken the chains of karma. Or at least one of the biggest chains. Finding replacement strategies isn't easy, but ditching the toxic ones is the critical step. (Y)

just don't try hard enough, I guess because I'm self-loathing. I really don't have much of an excuse, can't succeed if you don't try. I need to do more creative things, actually get a job or work up to it. — Wosret

Should, could, need, try..... How about I am going to do..... ?

On another note, I don't know how terribly self-conscious you are but like "you can't know what it's like to be a bat", it's easy to ascribe others the same level of self-consciousness when you observe their behaviour, if you'd do what others do that could make you a terrible person because you would be doing so consciously, others might not be aware so much.

And if you need validation from others when it concerns your utmost truths and highest values, you're not really convinced of them I would say.

I myself am quite self-conscious and can be very disagreeable when it comes to holding firmly to the principles I believe in. Along with my upbringing I have become someone who has tried to figure out what the hell is going on and if I'm the one who's mad or if most people are just fooling themselves, I feel I can make a great case for the latter but hey, who's more functional?

This makes it hard for me to connect intimately because it seems to boil down to me becoming inauthentic, negating my integrity or somehow confronting people with the parts of themselves they are most unwilling to face. Though the reality of my supposed "insights" towards other people can be questioned (and should), let's say I'm on the mark; now I'm the one who desires to belong while criticising the part of people which makes them able to belong?! I'm really struggling with this conundrum and it's so bad that when I do get to connect with someone intimately my obsessive desire to connect makes me turn into a codependent weasel.

What I can make up of the very sparse information I have of you this: "posting shit about yourself all the time" sounds a bit familiar. I can be a strain on my environment, talk endlessly about what's keeping me occupied if it's something which really means something to me and I seem to need way to many words to try and make myself clear, in which I usually fail due to becoming so convoluted. I'm still guessing if I'm narcissistic or if I'm looking at the world in a higher resolution or something, making me bicker about the relevance of individual pixels making up the screen. I take it you're familiar with Jordan Peterson (it was a post of yours which introduced me to him, thx) and if you take his explanatory framework; if you are trying to figure out what is actually going on all the time (including within yourself) and that's your main goal 'everything' becomes relevant.

Being isolated doesn't do much good for that last bit and it can turn into a vicious cycle, needing affirmation, self loathing, not understanding nice people, that sarcastic self depreciation, they point to unhealthy self esteem while you claim to to be troubled by your integrity and honesty. Aren't honesty and integrity practical means to rely on when engaging the world? Can't you trust those qualities in yourself enough to just extend yourself a bit? Also, though it might not seem like it at first, people do appreciate honesty and authenticity, just don't expect too much in the way of belonging to a group because not everyone carries honesty and authenticity as a very high value nor can people be blamed for not being preoccupied with the same things you have been. For some a computer game can be of the same importance as the existential meaning of life for someone else, not to mention the drama's people sometimes seem to create merely to make it appear everyday life is really about something.

I don't know if it's helpful but being able to see things in a broader perspective can help to become less critical / apprehensive of others without detracting from being honest / integer.

Could be, but there's nothing altruistic about it in my case. I think I'm just fundamentally afraid of people. What's your craziness? Or are you completely sane? :)

I always expect that everyone will eventually discover what a dick I am, or I feel phony, or like I'm tricking them if they think I'm anything other than a shit... lol.

I tend to avoid looking at people in public directly, but I smile at them when I do usually. It's actually getting easier, and less awkward over the past couple of years. Everyone is nicer to me than ever. A running girl said hello to me the other day when I was out for a walk just randomly on the street. I said hello back and smiled but was wearing headphones, and she just kept going.

I always expect that everyone will eventually discover what a dick I am, or I feel phony, or like I'm tricking them if they think I'm anything other than a shit... lol. — Wosret

I feel that way too, but I also get this edgy feeling if somebody likes me... like I have something to lose now. One thing that gives me some peace and gets me out of my head is to give people the freedom to think whatever they want... even if it means they'll kill me and dump my body in a ditch somewhere.

One thing that's been coming home lately has to do with my looks. I'm not as good-looking as I used to be because I'm getting older. Every now and then it comes to me how immersed in fear I've been most of my life related to being a nice looking female. At the time, it was just life, but I get these waves of grief and pity for the person I once was... to just be living everyday wondering who in the environment wants to rape me, kill me, and dump my body in a ditch somewhere. Actually, it helps just saying it to somebody else.

Maybe you could talk about the weather to that girl, and ask her for her number or to get some coffee. Do you drink coffee?

We do actually learn how to become adults from our parents, as they're pretty much the only steady adult influences that we really get a close look at when growing up. As a kid you may think you're just like your peers, but by the time you're all thirty, you'll find out how untrue that is. Their relationships will begin to mirror their parents with work, partners, and friends. As well as what kind of order their keep their houses in, and lots of different things. I was pretty much left to my own devices from about eight and up, and my parents are isolationists with no friends, my dad never pursued another romantic relationship, and my mother only did for financial support.

All of us became isolationists by thirty, even the ones that were super social and hung around everyone, and stayed basically out constantly from the time of being kids and never came home. I was always that way, but things are like reversing with me. I started out older, and keep getting younger and younger, at least physically. My physical discipline just keeps improving, and I've been alone so long that all I want is good connections with people now. To have my own family. I feel like I know what they did wrong now, and can avoid it, but there is this sense of where you come from, and a fear that you'll be as harmful, and take advantage of other people's good natures, and I was treated pretty roughly by everyone growing up, so I have this sense that I'm worse than everyone, I guess.

Could be, but there's nothing altruistic about it in my case. I think I'm just fundamentally afraid of people. — Mongrel

Healthy self-skepticism is a rare and wonderful thing. I value it greatly because of its realness and ability to stay grounded. But on the other hand, i try to remember the ocean of wisdom flowing under the iceberg of fear, even when that ocean is a complete mystery.

What's your craziness? — Mongrel

Lol. :) Just the usual mixture of mistakes, greed, hatred, and delusion that I'm trying to detox from and attempting to stop the addiction.

I drink mountains of coffee. See, I'm the opposite of that, I was sick as a kid, and even though I was starved I was overweight, had a herniated bowl, which probably would have gotten gangrene and killed me by now if not for modern medicine. Also meant chronic stomach pain growing up, that I didn't even know wasn't normal. I was on puffers, and they thought I had like a lung or heart problem, and I was six all of the time too, and missed a lot of school. I self-diagnosed it at 22, got day surgery, and was fixed. Without the feeling sick all of the time, I was able to start doing more physical stuff, and work on getting better, and it took awhile, and I didn't really start even trying to improve until I was like 26, and I just got better and better. So I've actually never felt younger, and since I freed up my center line recently, I've really improved a lot.

Pretty hairy though, need to do some grooming, and cleaning myself up.

@Wosret Here's something I wrote after surfacing from over a decade of major depression. It still helps me to go back and read it once in a while, because it's so easy to slip back into judgment mode.

"Almost all of the suffering in your life will end when something very important happens - your last judgment. This is the very last time you will judge either yourself or anyone else. It's the moment when you accept yourself just the way you are, and accept everybody else just the way they are.

Judgment of self and others go hand in hand. When you believe it is acceptable to judge others, you inherently give more weight to how others judge you, and you are quite willing to impose and accept self-judgment, which is often the most damaging and hurtful kind of criticism.

When we stop judging everything – according to our beliefs, our parents' beliefs, and society's beliefs – we can see everything for what it really is, and start truly enjoying every aspect of life. Words and knowledge will become tools, rather than weapons you use to judge, blame, and condemn. Your mind will no longer be filled with incessant chatter, and the voice in your head will no longer speak against you.

In order to stop judging, you need to stop believing that people should be judged. This is not to say there shouldn’t be consequences for negative behaviour, but rather that people should not be condemned, unjustly punished, deemed inferior, or considered unworthy of love and support, no matter how wrong their actions might seem.

It is human nature to seek peace, and act with love and integrity. If someone is currently unable or unwilling to do so, it’s because whatever they’ve experienced and learned throughout their life has rendered them temporarily incapable. At this moment, they don’t have the knowledge or skills necessary to consistently make decisions and take actions that are in line with their positive human essence.

Before they’re taught how to live, infants exhibit behaviour based on the natural instinct to live and love. Except for colic – the cause of which is still generally unknown – babies will only cry when they are hungry, tired, uncomfortable, scared, or in pain. Once their basic needs have been met, they are usually peaceful and happy, simply observing and enjoying their surroundings.

It is only once they begin to observe dysfunctional behaviors in others that children begin to develop irrational beliefs, and exhibit these negative tendencies themselves. Children’s loving nature quickly becomes displaced by irrational beliefs, and obscured by the resulting negative emotions. Depending on the degree of dysfunction in their family and their society, and the strength of their human spirit, the result is anything from generally happy people that occasionally experience unnecessary suffering, to people who develop abusive personalities or mental disorders, like anxiety and depression.

Consider the following situations:

• A young boy is criticized by his parents for every mistake he makes; he develops a belief that he isn’t good enough; he begins to judge himself even more harshly than his parents did; he becomes fearful of taking chances and pursuing his dreams; he gets stuck in a ‘dead-end job’, and has no motivation to change, because he thinks that’s all he deserves; his resentment and low self-esteem make him bitter, which negatively affects his relationships with family, friends, and co-workers

• A young girl is essentially ignored by her parents; her feelings are constantly invalidated; she develops a very low sense of self-worth, and a belief that she is not worthy of being loved; she endures abuse in her relationships, because she feels that’s what she deserves; she marries an abusive spouse, and suffers through years of mistreatment; she frequently loses her temper and yells at her children, then punishes and condemns herself for doing so

You can hardly blame and condemn children – or the adults they grow into – for behaving in the very way they were taught by their parents, family, educators, and society. Prior to forming irrational core beliefs, no child would choose to become an abusive, hateful person, who lives in an almost constant state of conflict and suffering; as opposed to a person who is loving, caring, and at peace in everything they do.

Whether you realize it or not, you, along with everyone else, are always doing the best you can. If you are making poor decisions, acting in inappropriate ways, abusing yourself and others – physically, mentally, and emotionally – it’s because your innate desire to act with love and integrity has been temporarily overrun by the irrational core beliefs and associated negative emotions that have been created by your life experience to date.

Consider the example of someone trying to quit smoking. The person knows that quitting is the best decision for their physical well-being, but they don’t yet have the skills, will power, or support to make the right choice and follow through. They’ve trained their body and mind to want cigarettes, and don’t have the tools to break the habit.

How often have you known the optimal decision, but have been unable to act on it, because something is holding you back? How often have you made poor choices, knowingly or not, because of an uncontrollable urge or emotion that overrides your common sense? It’s the same as the smoker who isn’t able to quit. We’ve been trained to think and act in ways that are out of alignment with our authentic selves. Instead of being guided by our hearts, our lives are governed by irrational beliefs based on anger, resentment, envy, greed, jealousy, and fear of judgment. We know – or at least sense on some level – that something is amiss; that this is not how people are meant to live. You simply don’t have the awareness, coping skills, will power, encouragement, or support required to fully recognize the problem, and to undo decades of thinking and acting a certain way.

Your need to judge will disappear when you are finally able to believe that everyone – including you – is always doing their best, and that every person would act with love and integrity right now if they knew how."

It does have a whole lot to do with breaking old habits. Before we know any better, or when we're still quite impressionable, we establish a lot of destructive habits, and incorporate the destructive behaviors of those around us. I've worked pretty solidly since I was sixteen though. It has always just been surviving to me.

'you teach best what you most needed to know" I think that's from Jonathon Livingston seagull.

Not to bring this as a sob story or anything but I think I can relate quite a bit. I seem to be a lot like my dad, he has a social awkwardness which seems to prevent him from really connecting with others, overall he's doing fine but it's very peculiar. It might just be the resources which have been available to me along with a different youth that has made me inquire into my own peculiarities and (partially do something with what I found out) turn out a bit differently. He also becomes too much of a pushover and tries to be too nice when he values the company to a high degree. Partially that's why my mother divorced him when I was 2.

I swayed towards becoming a momma's boy where a mother like unconditional acceptance made me to dependent while she was not capable enough of setting clear limits and also didn't have clear idea what she wanted out of life. From about 9 years old she went batshit insane, attempted suicide a couple of times, psychiatric wards etc. It wasn't self evident to go live with my father so I was hassled around quite a bit, which was very enlightening. I noticed how I adapted easily and did not have a solid identity, I was just responding to circumstances and these circumstance were as such that I felt everybody was just making things up as they went along, making me wary about seeing anyone or society as a whole as a role model.

From age 13 or so I wanted to take matters in my own hand but it took until the age of 16 before I became somewhat self sufficient. I tried to "fit in" but always had difficulty, it was the internet which made it apparent I actually liked learning but it did little for decent social functioning (though it's far from bad! I have several good friends, am self employed as a drywall taper and can go along with most folk at work, meet lots of people that way etc.).

So recently I got re-acquainted with a woman, the ex of a friend with which I stayed in touch to a degree (that relationship was years back) and at a point where I was quite depressed and had made an attempt to write a book on how I see things (basically a critique on moral relativism and why it's not negative to focus on the bad things in one's personal life) she seemed to be into me. She read the book, I really thought we communicated, I went along great with her 4 year old from another past relationship, I tried to be less critical,etc...

How it went wrong is too long of a story but let's say her behaviour became so obviously beyond normal that I could not pretend there wasn't anything going on so I observed and tried to communicate with her but it has ended up in me being to critical / negative / confrontational whereas she can't stand criticism to the degree she cannot even acknowledge she can't stand criticism.She is now 25 weeks pregnant and communication has been one big drama since week 10. I tried (too) hard in the beginning to be able to live with someone, be a father figure for her son and what not and ever since we got to this insurmountable hurdle I have tried everything I could think of to keep being civil, be there for her son still, aid where possible... all to no avail. My responsibility has been taking away from me and, though I could objectively blame it all on her, it's in large part because of my eagerness and how that eagerness made me ignore my integrity; an integrity which did not prevent me from having a large blindspot concerning my emotional weaknesses.(I still try to engage her positively though and have hope she will be able to face that part of her which I have accepted yet she seems unwilling to face).

Gist of it is, don't stick your dick in crazy don't be to sure the solutions you seek can be externally provided.

Ow and, do you and Mongrel sometimes wish you could be some malevolent sociopath who would be able to use their introverted self-conscious traits just for their own benefit without remorse? I sometimes do, life could be so much easier that way, wouldn't wish for it though.

A whole lot is genetic, and epigenetics can influence gene expression, and thus behavioral traits within a single generation. Original sin, what what.

My Dad is a big guy, and when I was younger he had a parathyroid tumor, and uncontrollable anger. My mom cheated on him a lot, and he'd beat them up. He was super physically dominant, and the only fear he had of other men was going too far, and killing them. My older brother became somewhat of a pyscho on the account of various abuses, but also I believe that this influenced us both. He though used to beat people up all the time, and was a criminal that spent a few years in jail for theft, and assaults. See, it doesn't even take size strength, or skill to beat almost any one up, it simply takes a willingness. Most people aren't, and at best will grapple you, but are generally too squeamish to actually hit anyone, and don't want to be hit themselves. Unless people are drinking, and suffered some physical abuse themselves as children, they almost certainly are not willing to do much.

I was always afraid of hurting dudes. My mom is also crazy, but not in a self harming way, more that she is probably some kind of autistic, extremely disagreeable, and self-centered. Part of the reason why I'm afraid to over-estimate myself, or consider myself beyond the norm, is that she does think that, and even identifies as something other than human. Like alien, or something. When you don't identify with other humans, you can treat them fundamentally different than how you expect to be treated. This is what allows her to feel find about being manipulative, and using others as tools to get the things she wants. She also gets super ultra upset if you cross her self-perception. She actually isn't nearly as bad as she was when she was younger, but I still wouldn't want her as an enemy. Just like a few months ago she got into a feud with her neighbor, because her property was going to shit, and she wasn't taking care of it, so she called the police on him about his dog, and was actually planning to kill it maybe (he moved over it). Also everything is about her. If I have a problem, or want to talk to her, she was turn it to what she cares about within two words, and it's difficult to get her to listen to anything, and she doesn't know anyone at all. She has super delusional perceptions of herself and others...

I also myself have periods of like psychosis where I think that I'm king shit of turd island... but at least I've incorporated her traits into me, and don't deny them. The rest of my siblings have turned into my dad, super low self-esteems, and all got super fat. I'd rather live on the edge of sanity than lose all sense of self-worth.

I did have me a girl friend for a brief period last time I lived in town before moving into the middle of nowhere into an embarrassing shithole and putting all of my resources into helping my family again. I also used to date sometimes in Halifax, though never got anywhere really then. I did that last time, and tried to convince myself that I was in love... she was like terrifyingly hot. She couldn't even look at me, and I couldn't talk to her... lol, it was great. I should have just put up with all of her shit, but couldn't. She was flaky as hell, late or simply didn't show up half the time, only was up at night so that I only got to see her at like 11 pm at the earliest, and also was an isolationist with no friends. So hot though... she was always giving bullshit excuses, constantly talking about exs, and her past, and was emotionally manipulative, and never expressed any negativity directly, but passively. So I started just pointing it out like I read that you were supposed to, and then just dropping it and saying "guess I'm just paranoid" when she denied it like I read online would be a good strategy, and that kind of just pushed her away. I eventually threatened to leave over it, and that was a big mistake, as she like convinced me not to, and then left me like three days later, lol.

I had a great time with her though, it was a fantastic time. I may have been pushing for emotional intimacy too quickly. It's ridiculous to me that people want physical intimacy immediately, but are often super okay to never get too emotionally open with you.

I do expect it to make a big difference in my life, because it did before. I get invested though, and have a hard time suppressing my emotions when I get worked up. I reveal my dark side a little too quickly.

I had a great time with her though, it was a fantastic time. I may have been pushing for emotional intimacy too quickly. It's ridiculous to me that people want physical intimacy immediately, but are often super okay to never get too emotionally open with you. — Wosret

This baffles me also, part of my mishap is because of that. I find it odd people can have kids, sleep in the same bed every night, exist together and never really emotionally connect.

I do expect it to make a big difference in my life, because it did before. I get invested though, and have a hard time suppressing my emotions when I get worked up. I reveal my dark side a little too quickly. — Wosret

Is this really a dark side or are you just not assertive enough to express your emotions productively before you get worked up?

Your mother seems like a strong narcissist, such a trait could have been reason for you ending up with a craving for emotional intimacy / longing to relate better socially. And sure, finding what you appear to be looking for would make a great difference, you seem fragmented with yourself and a clear goal in mind can direct your attention and grant you a very clear focus, yet how long would it take before you mess it up with your inherent characteristics? If you're the type who can consciously choose to weigh the cons / pros and decide to stay in a somewhat dysfunctional relationship, good for you (really, not being sarcastic here).

Seeing you feel you have learned from your parents' behaviour and are of the opinion you would do better, someone who would keep you honest and call you out when you get too full of yourself and has a healthy sense of intimacy would do you good, don't know if you should try and find such a person or become that person though.

Though I feel everyone has a dark side which should not be overlooked, that was helpful to me also.
I'll quit smoking tomorrow, it has been coming to that for a while now. Giving in to direct impulses, overreacting when I don't get what I want, needing a crutch for when emotions are getting strong, they are all things which are hampering me as a person overall and quitting smoking is a good way to learn a bit.