• Baden
    16.4k
    By (your friend and mentor) Dr. Col W. F. Gahng:

    A dissertation on combating the Hollywood culture of semen (they call it "cum") as espoused by Tom Cruise and other members of the Hollywood cult establishment--who shall heretofore remain unnamed--through covert assault Zen (TM) for the protection of mind and body against life-ruining brainrot and wrist arthritis.

    Take your eyes away from the screen and take your hand off your wiener. Congratulations, you have achieved the first goal of covert assault Zen and are now a novice black belt Zen Master.

    Do you feel your confidence building and energy flowing back into your body. Yes? I thought so. This is the first step in a life-transforming new method of personal freedom and fighting off the antigens of Tom Cruise (and other unnamed Hollywood cult establishers like John Travolta) in your mental and bodily system.

    There is no need to thank me... yet. This is just the beginning. Now that you have proven the Covert Assault Zen (TM) method to yourself, we will take it to the next level.

    But first, let's learn some philosophy. The story starts in ancient Greece with that most famous of Greek philosophers, Kant. Like Socrates and Plato before him, Kant looked around the world and saw it in a different way. And he didn't like what he saw.

    They had their cumsayers back then too, see. They called them "sophists", wordmongers who twisted the linguistic world into a poisonous pretzel that brainrotted the Greek population and caused the devastating loss to Rome in the Spartan wars.

    They were poets and dandies to whom the idea of a real man was as alien as rock solid gonads to a castrated budgie. And the most famous of these sophist poets and Kant's mortal enemy, the Tom Cruise of his time, was Epic Curtis.

    Epic Curtis, the great grandfather of c*m, taught that words don't matter, that we should just make them up and enjoy them. This "Conceptual Hedonism" as it was called took root among the decadent population of Greece who were living off the spoils of Alexandrian conquests. Soon, it was a free for all of creative invention to the point where even mutual comprehension was considered passe.

    A harmless fad you may think... Until, that is, it spread to the army of the Great Alexander whose commanders no longer able to efficiently communicate with their increasingly Epicurtean soldiers succumbed to the more erudite Roman hordes of Sparta.

    Kant, devastated by this humiliating national loss, fought back, realizing that to combat this proliferation of conceptualization, it had to be delimited and undermined. And so he invented the Noumenon, a space beyond the perception / conception dichotomy that relegated it to a world of appearances while claiming the crown of fundamental reality for itself. It is, not to put too fine a point on it, the space of 'STFU' that was desperately needed then and is ever more needed now.

    Yes, Kant defeated Epic Curtis in the philosophy wars and ancient Greece flourished once more. Pretenders rose and fell over time--the French Curtiseans were for a time in vogue as were other schools of neo-Epicurteans--but Kant held sway. Held sway for many years.

    That is, until now. Through Hollywood and the philosophical fineagling of Cruise, Travolta and their cult minions, Epicurteanism is making a comeback. Words are again proliferating and brainrotting, and our civilization lies on the precipice.

    We need a super human effort to save the world and that is what Covert Assault Zen (TM) is. It is time to STFU in the face of words in order to defeat them. To stop listening. To stop being the vessels of their filthy reproduction. To meet them with silence. To, the next time a poet or Hollywood foolosopher, throws a library at you, respond with a burp, a fart, or a nonchalant smile, all the while while holding your hands over your ears and shouting LALALALALA (or the chant of your preference--we're flexible on that here).

    So friends, Grecians, countrymen, we are at the beginning of a journey to save humankind and I will need volunteers, I will need the committed, I will need the brave, I will need you... To visit my website theycallitcum.org, sign up for my email list, and be ready for further actions to save the world.

    Tom and John may think we are beaten, may laugh at us, and at Kant, but we have a more powerful weapon than they have ever dreamed of: silence, the ineffable, and the infinite power therein that transcends space and time and makes us truly superhuman.

    Please leave your comments below. I will offer words to those most worthy of my indulgence. To the Epicurteans, do not expect anything other than a mirror of your own oblivion.

    Thank you,

    Your mentor and friend,

    Dr. Col W. F. Gahng, Covert Assault Zen (TM) Master, personal guru to the admin team, and all round good egg.
  • frank
    16k
    I feel so refreshed. Where's the paypal button?
  • Baden
    16.4k


    I'm in a fight with two moderators right now on this very issue. Hang tough, my friend. You will be needed. :strong:
  • Nils Loc
    1.4k
    Makes me feel rather guilty. I should just STFU and become a nun. :death:

    Though there is a perceived lack of humility and good will in the elites, which trickles down the line.
  • praxis
    6.6k
    What is the sound of one hand jerking?
  • fdrake
    6.7k
    To, the next time a poet or Hollywood foolosopher, throws a library at you, respond with a burp, a fart, or a nonchalant smile, all the while while holding your hands over your ears and shouting LALALALALA (or the chant of your preference--we're flexible on that here).Baden

    I was wondering if this was a reference to the earlier work of Roland Fartes? The casual cancellation of repression, the ecstatic joy of dodging a library, seems a reference to their most famous performance - unum cuminbum, but no longer in the for the court of kings.
  • Baden
    16.4k
    What is the sound of one hand jerking?praxis

    Tom Cruise.
  • Baden
    16.4k


    Correct. Now it's time to STFU.
  • Baden
    16.4k
    become a nun.Nils Loc

    All denominations welcome. :up:
  • Shawn
    13.3k
    Tom Cruise.Baden

    Do you know, and there is a secret about scientologists... Tom Cruise wants to live out there in space with Xenu, their god-figure. He even sequenced his DNA for the encounter one day with their god-figure. I'm serious about this, don't ask me how I know.
  • Shawn
    13.3k
    @Michael can back this up with some consultation with Anonymous.
  • Baden
    16.4k


    Yes, I knew that. And it is not even the most frightening thing about him.

    Resist.
  • Shawn
    13.3k
    Yes, I knew that. And it is not even the most frightening thing about him.Baden

    Do you know that Hollywood made a whole movie about it for Tom Cruise and the church of scientology? You couldn't pornographize a life any harder.
  • Baden
    16.4k


    The man invented the word "cum". Need we say more?
  • Shawn
    13.3k
    The man invented the word "cum". Need we say more?Baden

    No, let's go even further and imagine, as Hollywood does, that in the possible future where women want his DNA in themselves they just might reach out for it, depending on the circumstances or situation.
  • Shawn
    13.3k
    A whole world just for him wouldn't be enough.
  • Baden
    16.4k
    A whole world just for him wouldn't be enough.Shawn

    <<This!
  • Shawn
    13.3k
    Sorry for dumping this in this fabulous thread; but, from a secret tape I heard Tom Cruises' deepest regret was not being picked for the role in American Psycho. It really was or always had to be his film.
  • Baden
    16.4k


    https://www.reddit.com/r/moviecritic/comments/17w46y8/this_was_the_interview_that_inspired_the_american/

    Thank you, Shawn, for dragging this ugly rotten corpse called Truth out into the light. :pray:
  • Nils Loc
    1.4k
    We're not supposed to talk about Cum Cruise.
  • Shawn
    13.3k


    It seems important to add this HBO documentary about scientology, and there are plenty of others like it.

    I'm sure you will enjoy it. I mean, hey, its HBO talking about scientology... :monkey:
  • Baden
    16.4k
    We're not supposed to talk about Cum Cruise.Nils Loc

    Correct. But let me just say... The man refers to his member as "The Cruise Missile", goddamit!

    He must be stopped.

    OK, time for me to STFU. More on this tomorrow comrades. :strong:
  • Baden
    16.4k
    Hello everyone. I am Dr. Col W. F. Gahng, the very same person who spoke to you yesterday. I have decided to voluntarily and not under any duress at all since yesterday drop all charges of sociopathy and cum-word-invention against the venerable and completely innocent Tom Cruise, who is in reality a wonderful man and a... a... totally normal human being and not a psychopath. Of course, everything I said was just a joke and of my own free will with no duress at all in any manner by any one being applied to me right now I withdraw and ask you to ignore all previous advice and especially do not apply covert assault Zen or STFU. Thank you. Yours sincerely, the very same Dr. Col W. F. Gahng speaking of his absolute own free will, friend and colleague of the esteemed Tom Cruise, nascent adherent of Epicurteanism, and all round semi-rotten egg. Paypal button, haha, of course not, ha... what?... ok... yes, the end.
  • Shawn
    13.3k


    A while ago, I don't recall if this was on the old PF, and I have a knack for facts; but, your sister or one of your family members works or worked at Hollywood. Is Col W. F. Gahng in contact with how she could be adversarialy treated by such things said?
  • Nils Loc
    1.4k


    No one is reading the what is in the Lounge, let alone the forum to make that a concern, unless you want to fall into a conspiracy trap. Maybe it could involve the cyber intelligence wing of Scientology. What services would they be using? Cruise has higher aspirations than to be paranoid about critics and fan boys.

    Baden is just being a jerk at the jerkfest, to mock the fools as a fool worth mocking, which is different from being a pious philosopher at the forum (I think?). Mysteries of mysteries, who knows WTFIGO.

    Baden wrote that story about the Captain needing his sack flipped. That must've been Cruise.
  • Shawn
    13.3k


    Hollywood has some wild talent and pretty zealous workers there. I can't imagine in being such an environment.
  • Nils Loc
    1.4k


    Well, Shawn, pack your bags. We're going to Hollywood.
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