How intense is the pressure to be traditionally masculine? If there is a lot of pressure, is it lessened if you're a foreigner or the opposite? Do Russians have stronger ribs?* I've grown very comfortable with the reflexive self-mocking of masculinity that gets you through in middle class liberal America (and EU europe?) and I think it would be jarring, for me, to be an environment that very straightforwardly celebrates traditional masculinity. But is the Russian premium on masculinity overemphasized over here? — csalisbury
I've thought about these questions but I'm not clear about the answers, and I don't trust my impressions. I've spent most of my time in a megacity so what does that really tell me about Russia in general? And I can't speak Russian, my social circle here is small, and I haven't really made any male friends independently of my wife. But I'll try to say something about it...
Yes, of course the Western impression is exaggerated, but it's definitely a thing. I can say with confidence that all the Russian men I know have deeper voices than me and that there's a premium on how much vodka a man can drink. Otherwise I'm not sure. Gender roles are pretty traditional. In saying that I'm not saying that women are expected to be housewives while men bring home the bacon, or anything like that. Maybe it's more superficial: the Russian women I know are forceful, supremely confident, totally independent, and successful, but at the same time they're very feminine and expect men to be traditionally masculine in some ways, to at least
act dominant. She might make more money than him, but he's gotta pay the bill at the restaurant and fight off bears to protect her, that kind of thing (sounds like a weird restaurant, I know).
My wife and I kind of take it in turns to pay at restaurants, and when she pays, without thinking about it she surreptitiously gives me her credit card so it looks like I'm paying. So, it's deeply ingrained (it just
feels wrong to her to be seen to pay) but at the same time superficial (it just feels wrong to her
to be seen to pay).
By the way, in saying it's superficial I don't mean to denigrate it. How we behave in public, how we conduct ourselves, is important.
Modern feminism, the MeToo movement, and Western PC culture are widely mocked and derided by Russians, especially women. It's probably true that the state media deliberately encourage this ("next up, it's time to laugh at the Americans again"), but it's far from being a top-down thing. From the point of view of some of the Russian women I know--and bear in mind I'm over-simplifying things to the point of unfairness just to make the point--women who don't know how to handle lecherous men are idiotic or weak, and if a man goes too far,
which is inevitable, you get over it and stop whining. What's important to them are the practical things: equal opportunity, reproductive rights, childcare, and easy divorce; they don't have time for victimhood. Being raped, unless it's particularly violent, is merely an annoyance. So there's a kind of
female macho thing, and it has good and bad sides.
Maybe Russian women are under pressure to be feminine, but those I've spoken to don't seem to feel this as an
unwelcome pressure. They're proud that Russian women "look after themselves", for example, meaning they spend a lot of effort, time, and money on how they look.
Anyway, as far as I can tell I've passed the masculinity test. I don't know if that's because I resemble a bear.
Or no? The most famous Russian-American I know died in strangely similar circumstances. I'm glad you fared better. Plus I imagine that's a pretty handy (and well-earned!) warstory in terms of the proving-you're-not-a-soft-westerner thing. — csalisbury
Ha, you're the third person to tell me about that unfortunate guy since my own brush with death.
Yeah my story is all right, but...it's weird. It doesn't feel good to think or talk about it, about the details of the incident, which I didn't really go into in the first post. Others around me, especially my wife, have already mythologized it. In this myth, I'm the hero trying to save her life (she was in the car). But I don't know if it was like that. I don't really know what I thought I was doing. It was certainly stupid, reckless, useless: I had already satisfied myself that the car couldn't really fall off the edge, and how could I imagine that I'd be able to stop an SUV from rolling down a slope? Was I doing it just because I thought it was the thing to do, even while knowing I'd fail? The most horrific thought of all, aside from the stuff about death and serious injury, is that I was making a show of being a real man, and yet failing, which makes me a pathetic fraud, acting inauthentically under the Russian pressure to be masculine. I risked my life for nothing, and that makes me feel guilty, because in doing so I risked causing pain and sadness to people who love me. In fact I
did cause my wife pain because she was so worried for me.
So...normally I can turn my experiences into chirpy charming self-deprecating anecdotes, but this one still tastes bitter.