A lot of people border on (or actually are) hysterical when it comes to childhood sexuality. Some children tend to be precocious in their sexual activity. I was, like you from an early age. I didn't have sex with an adult male, but I certainly thought about it. The hysterical reaction of people who compose your family and community can make an indifferent experience into either a traumatic, or a more traumatic one, post facto.

Had either one of us grown up in another time (not that distant) our sexual experiences would have been deemed much less significant. But since in the latter half of the 20th century (at least) sex between children and adults has been deemed always and totally bad.

I'm not arguing in favor of adult/child sexual relationships. I'm just acknowledging that it happens, and is probably not always experienced as traumatic by the child. Many of us have a range of non-sexual experiences in our families that we wish we had not had. People can, and do, behave badly toward us. As adults we have to find a way of putting bad experiences away -- either through therapy, maturation, or just plain denial, if one can make that work.

So I wish you well. I hope you find everything you need. — Bitter Crank

My sentiment exactly. Thank you for your kind hope, Bitter Crank. :)

I can see how you can be lead to make that assertion, Wallow.

You haven't offended me at all. Actually, I'm appreciative of your dedicated concern.

I don't believe law enforcement would really have any interest or have the heads up to be looking into me by thoroughly hacking me. Unless DHS believes I'm an eminent threat, local law enforcement are more likely to scope out certain hook-up online sites, and patrol areas likely to harbor predators lying in wait to prey on minors when going about investigating offenses of pedophilia, from what I understand.

But, this thematic paranoia is turbulent and circumstantial.

I do sometimes wonder if certain people I unwisely confided in -- whom have implanted in my susceptible greenhouse of a mind the seed of threatening to perpetuate what they personally interpreted from what I shared with them -- are intent on sabotaging the chances of me leading some semblance of a tranquil life in the future. I wonder how realistic it is that they'd be able to achieve this and why they seem so motivated to.

I don't believe my family. nor police, nor friends are gaslighting me or playing mind tricks.

lol, I wrote a detailed response to this which has now ceased to exist.

I never claimed the police, nor my family, nor friends (which I can count, even having a hand with missing digits, if that were the case) were playing mind tricks, gaslighting me or are my present oppressors.

I doubt law enforcement would have any grounds to monitor me. Monitoring specific individuals long term they suspect of pedophilia is not generally their method of investigation, from my understanding. They would more likely stake out online sites and areas where children run a greater risk of being preyed on, from what I understand about standard local law (though regionalism in the US is a significant factor in policing protocol, that's for sure). Still, doubt they'd get an okay to hack a specified person's phone or laptop, unless it was serious, but then, I'd probably be looked into by DHS, which I feel sure is not the case with me.

My family treats me like a joke, but not like a monster, so, I doubt they'd be out to implicate me of anything other than being a lowlife and a loser -- even when a good portion of them are drunks, addicts, deadbeats, sloths, shysters 'n all.

The friends that I still maintain know my of my past and are very understanding and open-minded. I feel very confident they wouldn't deceptively continue our friendship if they didn't trust me. I don't have those kinds of "friends" at this point.

The degree I feel that I may be hacked, my privacy exploited is turbulent and circumstantial. There are stretches of time where I am more acutely concerned with this suspicion than other times, and yes, I accept this is driven by symptom of my mental condition, but, this may also be the reason the people I've shared sensitive information with may've cruelly played on my state of mind in implanting the threat of exposing their interpretation of what I told them. My mind is a greenhouse to the seed of suspicion they've planted.

{I don't know if this was edited out, or if it was a secondary additional post I made to add to this one that also got caught by a filter and hasn't been recovered along with this post, but, I'd also like to make a reference, which I remember mentioning within this context. If, however, it actually was edited out, is still found to be unacceptable to share and is removed again, then I'd like to reassure I'm not defiantly rementioning this to undermine your previous censorship, I'm only trying to convey all factors at play in my current situation as fully as I can and am unsure if what I stated was censored or simply remains unrecovered. If it's the former, then in that case, forgive me, and remove this mention again.}

---

The people I confided sensitive information to about my past and how I feel about it -- whom have ended up rallying against me in the end -- were mostly other gay men whom range from addicted yet functional drug users with lucrative careers (at least two I've met were computer programmers whom considered themselves hackers, one of them already having criminal charges for cyber crimes) and esteemed reputations, to substance abusers with the singular thought of fueling their possessive dependency. The latter would do anything to others -- begging, threaten to or actually go through with hurting, stealing, prostituting themselves, etc. -- to stave off withdrawal for a while, In my case, one of them resorting to accusing me of raping him (which I did not).

They're an unfortunate clique, centered in networking on the basis of drugs and sex that I regret ever letting myself briefly get caught up in.

---

So, I don't know what to more or less believe as for how far they've already taken it (stealing my phone, shouting my name followed by pedo related pejoratives and throwing bottles at me as they drive by, pretty much sabotaging my visits to gay establishments by spreading rumors and feeding people who don't know me misconstrued information, etc) and how much further they'll go.

I can care less if they've only ensured I can't enjoy a day out at a gay establishment as a result of the thorough torching of reputation they've perpetuated among club and bar regulars. I've never really had a stellar reputation to begin with.

It would, however, bother me if they don't stop there. And they've personally said as much.

Was it just them bluffing? I hope so. I'd like to have some semblance of tranquility in the future.

Fatalism? Ouch. Well, you're allowed your subjectivity, so am I.

In general, no, I don't feel oppressed by the public like I had back then. I also have the added benefit of not having to be under the guardianship of someone who's not suitable to raise a homosexual child (or any kid not wanting to be made to abide to cult-like Christianity). So, I don't feel oppressed by my "mother" or the church either.

I do feel damaged though, I can't deny that.

Funny enough, the individuals whom have threatened to libel me are nearly all gay. Funnier still, many of them have their own stories about childhood sexual encounters with adults (neighbors, cousins, brothers, uncles, stepdads, even fathers and older friends of fathers). Even though they've snugly told me their accounts with a mischievous gleam in their eyes, they ultimately feel pedophilia is abhorrent and henious now. How convienent, guess there's a method to having your cake and eating it too after all.

So, I'm fatally (it seems) surrounded by hypocrites threatening to blast me because I'm honest about how I feel over my experience.

I don't underestimate the gay community, especially those in it who also happen to be harpies and junkie techies.I've been accused of rape by meth addicts, among other things.

So yes, I still feel fractionally oppressed. These could be empty threats, but they've already made good on dragging my name through the mud and stealing my phone before.

I guess it's unacceptable not to paint myself as a victim for having sex with an adult and feeling victimized by my peers and family instead.

a community, the police, or friends — Wallows

... but, these people were my oppressors.

I don't see these people as being inherently sadistic. I grew up during the 90's. It was a different time. Ignorance did not mean then what it does now.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like a personal issue. More of the sort where society just doesn't want to deal with such epistemic and phenomenological concerns.

Put bluntly, maybe there is a part of you that misses the guy that took advantage of you, and there might be a part of you that hates him for imposing on you these memories. I don't know, do you? — Wallows

To answer your question directly, yes, I happen to miss him.

Not simply nor mostly because together we were taboo, defiant and undermining a society the respectively eat us up (though I did get a thrill out of that), essentially because I euphamistically feel he was the one who pulled me up out of the sea of negation I was drowning in and made it possible for me to take my first life infusing breath from the the ocean of pain and hatred pulling me under. The before mentioned pain and hatred from the very people that now also hold this perception against me.

Because apparently, it's not at all pertinent to point out their abuse and explain themselves for it, the only problem in all of this is how I decided to cope with it. Ha, I love how they conveniently exclude themselves from the heavily influential conditions that drove me to the alternative they find unacceptable, all the while not being at all troubled by their own abuse, disqualifying their treatment of me which started me on this road to begin with. It's like them saying "I know I cut you, but that's not excuse enough for you to bring disgrace to us all by having desperately sought damage control in bandaging your wound with the first thing you can use to attempt nursing yourself -- the nearby garement of Holyman -- to reduce losing any more of your sinfully staining blood. You've adulterated a thing of sanctity and committed sacrilege."

(Not a passive-aggressive reference to you btw Wallows, just some residual anger at others' 'pick and choose' way of approaching about my past)

If by "there might be part of you that hates him for imposing on you these memories", you're referring to my tendency to look back on my time with him with good regard and how it correlates to my general attitude toward statutes defining rape and my personal interpretion of rape, but, that it's ultimately resulted in harsh backlash from others ,and in turn, acutely aggravated my paranoia. If deep down, I hate him for not being deterred when considering the the ramification of ignomy concerning our sexual relationship that I'd surely have to deal with whenever I'd finally make what happened known to others? Truthfully, no.

Don't get me wrong, it's not lost on me that what I did with an adult as a child was significant. So was sex with my eleven year old cousin when I was five. So was me not discouraging a curious six year old from letting me be a receiving participant of oral sex when I myself was nine.

Clearly, I wasn't without my experience and any virginity I had was outgrown years before.

I wonder, if anyone condemning my sexual interaction with an adult man would see all that led up to that encounter as indication of neglect, trauma, abuse... of not having those around me whom were supposed to give enough of a damn invested enough to have me focus on other things that would actually allow me to appreciate and develop my innate interests, and in turn, myself -- instead of choosing to not nurture me, preferring to contrarily proceed with the opposite of nuture by seeing to it to belittle me, and even encouraging others to join in. The unconscious impulses people are prone to that they don't acknowledge, even to themselves.

I don't understand why people have trouble grasping just how profoundly vicious everything before my sexual interaction with an adult man ultimately was, and that ironically enough, led me to seek out sex as an outlet. It just amusingly baffles me.

My agony wasn't then and is not now rooted in that relationship, though going through with it did seem to further complicate the already messed up set of conditions in my life. My sexual interaction with this man started when I was ten, but the pain and shame that made me receptive to going along with it (born from sheer rejection and social oppression), started earlier than even that, and in every way inevitably set me on the path to seeking an outlet of appreciation and acceptance elsewhere.

My mom was mortified by my mannerisms and by me being effeminate. I had no support, picked apart by strangers and people who knew of me alike while others like my grandparents and absentee father dreadfully interacted with me when it would look bad on their part if they hadn't. Most of the time, I was treated like an embarrassment or a joke. I had the opposite of support. From my parents to classmates, extended family members, church goers -- their commonly held ostracism of me -- and worse, their condescension -- made me lose all esteem and reinforcably compounded an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. Even from the age of seven, I already began meditating on fantasies featuring macabre suicidal ideations.

In a very twisted way, the memories I made with this "predator" allowed me to have something to hold me together while everyone treated me like a garbage can.

I guess if I'm not going to stop calling the World I'm in into question, it's only fair that I also never stop calling myself into question. Considering awareness seems to be a general preoccupation of mine.

I have my therapist to turn to when navigating through my traumas and to help me manage my mental condition (along with my psychiatrist) atm.

I know homelessness has me run into more stressers and vulnerable situations, which doesn't bode well for my stability. Being on the streets can bring back past memories, which coalesce with equivalent present instances.

My best coping mechanism is to assess my thoughts, actions and beliefs, then, to do all I can to make sense of it all and trace both the ramifications independent of my choices and those which do result from said choices, which is what I am doing now amongst you guys. It's not all I'm doing, but sharing with peers -- whether virtually or in the real world -- is insightful and constructive.

Understanding my self and further understanding that self in the context of the World I find myself is the best remedy for my affliction. Medicine and counseling are helpful tools (and in my case, essential to turn to concurrently), but this conversation -- the addressing of my personal issues and how it might likely be synthesized and approached in interactivity by a civilization with complications of it's own -- is the most vital element in my "treatment".

I feel the need to do my best to investigate what leads to my malfunctions. I may never figure out a full answer; I'm okay with that fate, as long as I never resign to stop trying to fathom the entirity of these subsequent circumstances.

Thanks guys, this thread has given me significant support.

Thanks Wallow, and no worries, it's understandable to have what I considered with a bit of doubt from anyone when pointing out that I deal with mental illness and struggle to discern a legitimate concern for my privacy from typical symptomatic paranoia tinging what I experience. I'm currently on meds prescribed by my psychiatrist and see a therapist once a week. I'm fortunate to have a therapist who questions my paranoia with a "If you believe x variable is happening, what could be the 'what' and 'how' factors behind it that motivate what's driving x variable to be realized, and that has led you to this belief?" kind of approach, turning to a method of probability instead of automatically suggesting reasons why the possibility of my suspicion having any foundation in reality would be moot.

So far, we've established that isolated instances (such as a group of douchebags giving me a difficult time for whatever contrasting characteristic they choose to have me represent) and a pattern of occasional instances (like the same guy shouting pejoratives at me whenever I happen to be in a particular public area between the late mornings to early evenings time of the day, who drives the same black truck every time he does so) are plausible -- both becomes occurances like this a common enough in general and, because I've actually recorded these instances on my phone and shown my therapist.

As far as getting to one or more people (whom are technologically proficient enough), to the point where they'd go as far as remotely breaching, hacking and monitoring my cell phone activity to play sadistic psychological gaslight games with me and to simultaneously see if they manage to catch me seeking out illegal and heinous media or meet ups in the process -- all because my presence puts them off and leads them to sneakily look into my online activities -- is plausible (we're not talking aliens or unicorns here, being hacked is something that has been done in reality and can happen to anyone), but is also extremely unlikely.

Still, my mind connects certain dots and formulates theories that I'd feel oppressed if legitimate (and to me, would be on par with being raped -- something horribly traumatic that I've been subjected to against my person and that would be done against my will while the perpetrators get a kick out of it), since in the past, I've shared with others (homeless people, people that wanted to reach out to me) what I have with you guys on the subject of statutory consent vs. consent by choice at any age. Some have even called me a predator (despite me never having "preyed" on children, though as a child, I did seek other children out sexually -- and they also sought me out, but, consent was always key; I don't consider what I did predatory behavior), and threatened to libel me.

I guess I've brought it on myself if this is the case. I should have been more cautious about who I had heart to hearts with.

:grin: (meant to end the sentence with a happy emoji) [to fdrake]

Childhood sexuality among consenting children is a taboo when it probably shouldn't be. Pedagogy students for nurseries here (Norway) are now being taught to be quite accepting of child sexuality among children, and this comes along with educating children about consent from a very young age. I don't know how long this has been going on for, but it looks to be an important shift.

At least when I was growing up, sexuality was treated either as a matter for human anatomy or shame, and people largely got their first knowledge about sexuality from word of mouth or porn mags (the internet was still too young for widespread porn videos). Cue hilarious misunderstandings from young men thinking women pee out their buttholes.

Though towards the end of college (16-18 year old), sex ed included explicit lessons about sexual consent. Whereas the previous sex ed (at 12 years of age) consisted of watching a video of anthropomorphic (and suspiciously colour coded, pink=female white=male) rabbits fucking.

Anyway, welcome to the asylum. You're unlikely to find anyone prejudiced against the mentally ill here, and if you do find your treatment uncomfortable personal message a mod and we'll try and deal with the issue. — fdrake

Wow, it's mind blowing to consider that approach being taken in nurturing these students. I find it's very progressive and organic. I hope this trend eventually reaches other nations and that (with moderate sensibility) adults can come to accept that it's natural for children to be sexually curious, and to not surround that wonderment with shame and perversion.

And, thanks for welcoming me to the club.

You have told us some stuff about yourself, that you yourself consider significant.

A. A childhood sexual experience.
B. A debilitating mental health condition.

And you seem to think there is no connection.
— unenlightened

Here is how he referred to this childhood sexual experience:

"What I made the decision to do twenty years ago was not against my will"
"I willingly decided to experience what I experienced"

Here is how he referred to how he was treated for being attracted to men:

"I'm not a fan of people having to be subjugated to experiences they feel traumatize them and go against their nature and will, which in my case, came in the form religious shaming"
"I'm still haunted by pastors and church members rebuking "demons" out of me and the personification of my sexuality as a possessive demonic entity (which warped my mind as a kid)"

If you're looking for a connection between his past experiences and his current mental health, I would rather pick the experiences that actually traumatized him. — leo

I very much appreciate you make this correlation and pointing it out. Even when I do, most people seem to rather link my psychological traumas to consensual taboo acts over severe situations I was thrown into that were out of my control and against my will, and dismissively disqualify my self pertaining assertion.

I am of the idea to let people do whatever they want, as long as it is what they want and no one is forced in the process.

I don't think it's too uncommon for 10 years old boys or girls to have some sort of sexual desires, but I would think that in most cases they are fantasies and that if presented with the occasion they wouldn't actually go through with it.

I don't know how your relationship with that 34 years old man started, but I would think he is the one who initiated you, rather than you actively looking for that kind of relationship back then.

If you weren't traumatized at all by this experience, but you truly enjoyed it, then what's bothering you is how society treats these kinds of experiences, making you an outcast. On the one hand there is you, who apparently enjoyed that experience with this older man, and on the other hand there are plenty of people who strongly desire to torture or kill older men who have these experiences with young people.

It's a touchy subject. There are/were societies and communities where this is acceptable, but today you live in a society where it's totally not. Obviously parents do not want their children to be soiled and mentally/physically destroyed by disgusting child molesters, hence the usual strong reaction. But at the same time, as a boy I probably wouldn't have minded having a sexual relationship with a woman I fantasized about as long as I was a willing participant, I surely wouldn't have been traumatized unless there had been coercion involved. On the other hand the bullying I experienced at school was real and traumatizing, but society doesn't mind that much about that, so go figure. There is some torture that society deems acceptable, and there are consensual enjoyable acts that society deems horrible and deserving of torture.

You mentioned being diagnosed with schizophrenia, do you know what led to this diagnosis? — leo

Your own emotional/psychological experience, and the insight it allowed you to gain is precisely my point.

I almost feel like the vast majority of people in society are scared to admit that before the age of legal consent, they've pined for at least one adult sexually. This doesn't indicate they are predators or sick in the head, only that this is natural and quite common. I'm also not advocating that this cites a just reason to encourage relations between individuals under eighteen and those over this age. It just is what it is, no matter what societal institutions are put in place to regulate Human behavior to some general ideal daned to be the most beneficial to society as a whole.

On the same token, conditions that can pose physical dangers and are deeply traumatizing psychologically individuals generally assessed to being strange, unflattering, etc. (but whom are otherwise not intent on endangering or mistreating anyone) are maintained and rationalized under the same supposition -- that this "discouragement" is in the long run beneficial to the social development of those within society, a natural reflex maintained by the Darwinian alphas keeping those whom exhibit non-ideal qualities and "shameful" ideas in their place and in check, even when such ideas don't exploit nor harm others and are only faulting in that they stray from mainstream standards.

Ironically enough, being subjected to the torment of constant bullying and -- worst of all -- bystanders around the victim inadvertantly reinforcing these thugs' sense of bellicose entitlement with their enabling complacency over unprovoked acts of antagonism and consternation toward victims is more against Humans' Civil rights than what bullies often argue they revile and reprehend. Their own methods contradict their argument -- that whatever deviant individual they've targeted poses a threat to the "more vulnerable" if an example isn't made out of them. They insist that tolerance to simply agree to disagree is to them in effect agreeing, and that their violent and/or psychologically abusive reprehensions are not acts of entitlement, moreso ways to combat and weaken an introduction and thriving of detriment on their watch.

But selective condemnation and aggression toward individuals whom deviate from societal ideals by their subjective way of thinking, behaving and/or being is pretty effed up, when oftentimes, these individuals aren't out to harm anyone. The abusers whom do so almost seem like imperial tyrants to me when I consider the usual reasons they underscore for "standing up" for what they believe in (by "knocking down" anyone who thinks otherwise, both physically and psychologically down).

As exaggerated as my depiction of abusers/bullies may come off as and as compromised as my perspective may be taken, there very much are a good number of people whom are this extreme and imposing about their ideals, to a point of being offensive, often cunningly and non-overtly enough to where victims can't evidence the abuse -- that's if anyone who can do something just about it even decides take it seriously or care enough to. Abuse by neglect (like parents, teachers, family members, people responsible for the wellbeing of students, etc.) is underrated.

As far as my diagnosis of schizophrenia, I was diagnosed when I was nineteen after my first major breakdown. I became anorexic because I developed a religious fixation to fasting, in a desperate attempt to to be pure and faithful enough toward God to merit being rid of the "demon" inhabiting my body (the "demon" being my sexual thoughts and orientation). I was also in constant fear that I had inadvertently committed or would inevitably commit the one unforgivable Christian sin -- blasphemy against the holy spirit.

Like I mentioned, in my case, a strict, overly literal and extreme form of Christianity was weaponzied against me in a stake-tied-to-stem like manner, as a way of conditioning me to reject my nature while I was growing up. I'm glad I was able to recover from that state of self-hatred. Now, I'm much more inclined to want to accept myself for who and what I am, and not automatically self-shame like I've been conditioned to, but, it's been a painstaking process to "deprogram" that way of thinking. As you've probably gathered by now, I still occasionally have to fight off the dreadful nostalgic feeling of emotional shame that can sometimes reemerge and try to close-in on me. I fight it by reasoning out (as Objectively as I possibly can) the thoughts and the misleading conclusions that are internally reached (from the part of my mind conditioned to continually cast down my nature, which can still rear it's head when something someone tells me or generally asserts -- even just by opinionated statements I read online -- sets my own self-hater off) by my own mind pointing it's own "shameful" thoughts out.

Yep, I still have to deal with a mind that becomes warped and jumbled over certain things from time to time, but that has gradually improved from how hijacked it was eleven years ago, and even before then.

Thanks for all the thoughtful takes on what I'm going through.

I'm Hispanic and my ethnicity is a non-factor in the part of the U.S. I'm at (there are still parts in the U.S. that aren't Hispanic shunning, though I can relate a bit to being alienated, for one reason or another. There happen to be many things about myself that deviate from convention, that's an accurate inference.

I do understand why it occurred to you, ZhouBoTong, to draw a parallel between the not too distantly passed (and not altogether presently eliminated) struggle African-Americans have had to sustain in the U.S. and the treatment I deal with, which seems more to do with the resulting approach from others (mistreatment) more than particularities of circumstance.

I just happened to experience not only personal neglect, I also had to manage being psychologically conditioned with concepts that discouraged my intrinsic nature (Christianity looming over me as my homosexuality surfaced). I have many other challenges too, which only served to compound the distress and utter lack of support in my life growing up.

These aren't my excuses, I ultimately account for my decisions and actions (when being accused of something that's accurate, or the severity of consequence I should sustain from any legitimate accusation). I'm merely mapping out the conditional steps and factors that have led me to this point.

My thought process is... disorganized. Despite this, I've been told that for a schizophrenic, I have great self-awareness and am exceptionally measured in handling perceived contention. I still notice people communicating -- usually passive-aggressively, other times, taking a more ambushed, offensive way of going about it -- that I'm aversive and contemptiously unwelcomed.

Again, I know these perceptions are a textbook example of schizophrenic symptoms. But, just because I'm mentally ill doesn't necessarily mean the community I'm in -- and by extension, others in any other area I relocate to via relayed information -- wouldn't sociologically have a problem with me for specific reasons, reasons that aren't racially, sexual orientation, mental competency or even socioeconomically rooted.

I have the impression it primarily has to do with my ideology. My sense of what's "okay", which they aren't okay with.

I mentioned I had what is considered an inappropriate sexual relationship with a grown man when I was a young boy. As a result of this experience, I don't feel that an individual who wants to consensually (not in the technical, legal sense but in the typical definition of consensual) have sex with any other consenting individual should be prohibited from doing so due to age.

And, there it is. I know what I experienced, this is how I feel.

This doesn't mean I want to live in a society where this is aimed for, because I know most children don't desire to have sex before puberty (from what I can tell). I don't even mind being in a society where it's illegal, so be it. By personal experience, I know that there are cases like mine. I've met them personally -- other men whom had sex with older men when they were underage and don't feel they were raped. To me, rape is sex against the willingness of anyone who may be involved. What I made the decision to do twenty years ago was not against my will. How I decide to assess my experience now is my own opinion.

I'm not on a mission to perpetuate this stance -- which, I have personally confirmed I am not alone in maintaining). I understand my case is an anomaly (though, not as scarce as most others would prefer to believe). I realize my outlook is immoral and moreover -- illegal.

I've never sexually offended a child, in any legal sense or otherwise. I experimented with other children when I myself was still a child, both older and younger than I. I'm betting that most if not all of you would refuse to believe that sexually interacting with children isn't something I intend to ever do, but, it's not. I'm still attracted to older men, though do enjoy vicariously watching porn with a more mature man and eighteen year old teen duo (which is legal and widely available). I only feel that children should have a choice if they of their own accord and volition (as was the case with me) have a desire to seek it out. I agree the general inclination of children whom this inkling doesn't apply to to be of innocence while they grow up. But, I accept that there are an extremely small minority of children that gravitate to seeking sex out, as I already was years before my puberty.

So, to me, the way I feel could easily be fodder for phone pinging and gas lighting, if others were aware of how I really feel. I don't think anyone would believe I can currently champion Human Rights -- especially consent -- and simultaneously not be ideologically troubled by the idea of a pursuant underage individual making the willing choice to engage in sexual activity. I'm not a fan of people having to be subjugated to experiences they feel traumatize them and go against their nature and will, which in my case, came in the form religious shaming. Of course, I know religion isn't always weaponized, but, during my childhoid, it was used to get me to deny and "cast out" my sexual orientation -- however ineffective it was in discouraging me. I'm still haunted by pastors and church members rebuking "demons" out of me and the personification of my sexuality as a possesdive demonic entity (which warped my mind as a kid).

I willingly decided to experience what I experienced. I am what I am. I have no desire to be predatory to children. My past experiences may influence my ideals, but they do not correlate with my intentions. My ideals are indicative of what I've personally lived and my perspective based on how I felt then and how I feel about it now. I'm not looking to harm anyone nor degrade the moral of society.

I just know my reality, even if I'm schizophrenic. I don't think I deserve to be oppressed when I'm doing my best to be considerate of others the way I'd like them to be considerate of me, while also being sincere about how I actually feel.

Is that unreasonable? Does that make me weak by consensus?