In the New Grammar School:
Genderless Pronouns
Since there are no gender neutral pronouns in the English Language, how do we refer to antecedents whose gender is irrelevant, without resorting to clumsy constructions such as “he or she” (or should it be “she” or “he”), or by using the generic “he” and thereby maligning women, or by tiresomely repeating the original noun over and over.
We’ll have to invent the gender neutral pronouns.
But they won’t have a chance of getting used if they don’t sound right.
Right, they would have to be different enough from what they’re replacing to be distinct, but similar enough to suggest a ready parallel which could easily catch on. So, they’d still have to be a single syllable, for example, but without suggesting sounds already used for other common simple words, like the long vowel sound of “a” (the article “a”), “i” (the pronoun “I”), “o” (the exclamation “oh”), “u” (the pronoun “you”), and “y” (the adverb “why”), all of which, of course, are already taken.
Sounds tough.
It’s so tough that no such common gender pronouns have ever caught on, although many have been suggested, such as, for the third person subjective singular, “it”, singular “they”, “heesh”, and “thon” (the one). Yet, the problem of the third person subjective singular has been solved in the written word.
What is the solution?
“S(he)” or “s/he”.
Yes, I’ve seen it used; but of course orally it would still sound like “she” or “he or she”. What do you suggest?
Perhaps we can use the fact that “he” and “she” share the long “e” sound. “He or she” can simply be replaced by “e”; luckily, it’s the only unused long vowel sound left for use as a word of its own.
Let’s try it.
“The writer must carefully proofread what e writes.”
“After God created the Earth in six days, E rested on the seventh.”
“Everyone likes pizza, doesn’t e? (They sure do.)”
“E who hesitates is lost.”
“Every one of us knows e is fallible.”
“Everyone is invited, whether e is a member or not.”
“The quick-walker down the morning path gazes, to where e will be when the next trail blazes.”
Sounds good. Now, what about the third person objective singular. I don’t want to have to say “him or her”.
Since “him” and “her” have dissimilar sounds, we’ll have to somehow combine them, and perhaps utilize the fact that they each start with the same letter “h”, by either retaining it or dropping it, although we certainly don’t want to replace it.
How about “himer” or “herim” or “her-him”?
Too long. But that gives me an idea. How about “erm”, using this line of reasoning: “her-him” -> “herim” -> “erim” -> “erm”? I would have preferred “herm” but that’s a man’s name.
“The new class president gets elected tomorrow, so I’ll leave it up to erm.”
“Everyone came and I was glad to see erm.”
“Let everyone ask ermself to consider the implications of the lack of the epicene pronoun.”
“Either John or Mary should bring a schedule with erm.”
Maybe we could even shorten it to “em”, like “everyone came and I was glad to see em.”
I wish we could use it but “em” is also a contraction of “them”. Too bad, but maybe “erm” will catch on.
OK, maybe, but what about the third person possessive singular; I don’t want to have to say “his or hers”. I know we can’t use “hiser” or “their”, which is plural, although lots of people say wrong things like “One must watch their language” or “Does anyone want to read their best poem to us?”
The wrong usage of “their” gives me an idea. Perhaps we can yet use its wrongness to our advantage, since it has come to sound almost right. Since we can’t use the combination “ern” from “his” and “her” because “ern” conflicts with “earn”, how about another approach: let’s use “eir” and play off of the groundwork laid by good sound of the misuse of the plural “their”.
Let’s try it.
“Who dropped eir ticket?”
“Would each student please hang up eir coat upon entering the classroom.”
“One must watch eir language.”
“Does anyone want to read eir best poem to us?” And you know what the best thing about “e”, “erm”, and “eir”; something great that we didn’t even notice?
What is it?
They all start with the letter “e”. That will unify the set and make it easier to remember.
Hey, you’re right. Thanks, I’ll use that as a selling point.
Manglish
English, for all its large vocabulary, has some missing words. For one, there is no personal pronoun which means “he or she” in the epicene case (gender-neutral or non-gender-specific case). If there were, then we could use it when the gender was irrelevant or unknown. Worse yet, the present solution, he, is of the masculine case, although ‘he’ is used generically. Still, this causes males to be more often imaged in the reader’s or listener’s mind, thus rendering females less visible. A similar problem exists for “him or her” and “his or hers”. Substituting brand new words is not an easy task, or such words would have presented themselves through common usage, for example, youse, all of you, and you-all (y’all) have filled in for the non distinct plural form of you (used as both singular and plural).
Another problem is the gap left by corrupted feminine nouns. For example, ‘bachelor’ is a respectable term for an unmarried male, but the feminine counterparts of bachelor all had connotations (spinster, divorcee, maiden, old maid, widow), so much so that females had to adopt ‘bachelorette’, but this is still a male derived word and is also diminutive. Fortunately, this problem has been solved with the introduction of female single, or ‘femgle’. Not really. The word ‘female’ even contains ‘male’, which I suppose is the biblical ‘of the male’, or else is was meant to be ‘fee-male’, as taking a woman out usually means there is a fee (just a joke), and ‘woman’ embraces ‘man’ in it. So, let us try to turn Manglish back into English, but then we’d have to reprint all the books!
Examples of the Problems:
Each one of us loves his mother.
The writer must carefully proofread what he writes.
All men are created equal.
Let’s ask each of the poets what he thinks is his best work.
Let everyone ask himself to consider the problem of the lack of the epicene pronoun.
Man, being a mortal, breast feeds his young.
Well, Jane, you’re a real handyman.
After God created the Earth in six days, He rested on the seventh.
Mrs. Robert Jones is our new chairman.
Everyone likes pizza, doesn’t he? (They sure do.)
This is the house whose roof leaks.
She gave her jewels.
It’s time you (you-all) came to visit us.
Would everyone please hang up their coat.
Summary
E, eir, erm; ermself are certainly the mainstays of the new personal pronoun set, as they are the ones used most often, being in the third person. It is a fortunate coincidence that e, eir, erm; ermself all start with “e”. This unifies the set and makes them easier to remember. E is also the only vowel sound yet unused for an important word. ‘Eir’ suggests a parallel to “their”. ‘Erm’ combines ‘him’ and ‘her’.
The Final Words
Each person must watch eir words when e writes or speaks. Everyone(now plural) must try their best to be fair to both men and wym. The writer is urged to remind ermself to rewrite eir books and substitute the new pronouns so that fems can be imaged as well as males. Wimyn should then see sheir status improve. Shey can then truly say that all gen are created equal and that every hume is fairly represented in language. All genkind will benefit. Thank yous for yur interest in this subject. However, the pronoun ‘which’ is still without a possessive case, and therefore English is still a language whose missing words need attention.
(I have a full chart somewhere, if I can find it.)
Also:
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Be more or less specific.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Avoid clichés like the plague—they’re old hat.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Like, don’t use the word ‘like’, a lot, like in this sentence.
Foreign words are not apropos.
Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
No sentence fragments.
Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
Its important to be careful about it—about it’s meaning.