A human is an ultimate challenge in the form of intricate complexities and experiences that are so complex that they are actually simple. Humans have a very difficult time living in the balance between everything because everything has good and bad to them, when normally humans can only see one of the sides which causes them to interpret their own meaning to the idea, which is not wrong or right. Humans have formed the diverse art form of life into our own individual ways that are very unique and complex when witnessed from an individuals story. But when witnessed from an outside perspective who only see's pieces to everyone else stories that surround this one human and construct the life around him, then this art form is very repetitive and simple. And to me this is what makes the challenge itself so beautiful, while this is only a couple of different ways that humans can be viewed out of infinite ways.

My social anxiety used to keep me stunned and unable to speak to people about anything, pretty much every single conversation I ever had, I had way too many possible outcomes and theories of what I should say or how to say it and then I never executed my socialism in a "normal" behavior, and then I would hide in my hoodie for the rest of the day every day.
Philosophy is definitely what helped me, and learning how to think for myself and not how I thought other people wanted me to think and to be self aware, which I still struggle with. Also strangely enough overthinking has always seemed to help me, even though it also brings a lot of confusion and torment, but I think that overthinking is an art form that I have a type of passion for and just haven't figured out how to master it yet.
Anyway after years of practice towards learning myself, self-awareness, learned to love myself, and questioning life through philosophy, I can now socialize with people and give my own answer in my own way and be confident that I did. I still struggle with my anxiety, but I just continue to practice and have incorporated my practices of pushing boundaries and socializing in ways that I enjoy and do not torture me, and when my anxiety does show up it is nothing like it used to be.

Personally I find it fun to imagine the possible theories and follow the connections to how we would logically get to the point of understanding how this theory could be true, and I do it for the entertainment and to learn from it. But as far as what I believe to be true, I just haven't had the desire to truly grasp onto an idea that makes more sense than anything else, because everything seems make it's own form of sense in certain ways. I like to say that there is no need to explain any of it, and we can discover a new kind of beauty if we didn't even attempt to explain it, but then again there's it's own kind of beauty when trying to explain it as well that I also enjoy, so to each their own I suppose. However when I tell people something along these lines I usually get asked the question "Then your agnostic?", and I go "Sure, whatever." But I'm not looking for a label and I don't really know how else to respond.

To me it doesn't feel like enough. If I can't properly communicate with this person for them to get the inner message that I am trying to speak and they didn't hear the message that I was trying to verbalize at all, then I don't know the point of trying to talk to this person or hanging around them. If it was just a couple of people that I know then I could probably get over it, but it happens with almost everybody I know and especially all of my family. However, I do wonder if I have had strange luck and just haven't found the right environment or kinds of people more meant for me to be around.

I'd say that's a good assumption because I don't know what acceptable terms would be in my own mind.

Well because our language is so repetitive in the symbolism that the words represent. It seems like most people have fallen into habit in giving the most common symbolism for the words that they are using and forget to use the actual meaning of the word behind the words. And so I usually know what people around me are going to say. And I have welcomed the idea that they don't know how to express what they feel and it just comes out the same most times, because that happens to me.