Whether an item in a set is a member of itself or not is dependent on what it is and in what set it is in. — Philosopher19
If x in x, then x in x no matter what other sets x is or is not in.
If you don't agree or don't understand, then either you need to state your alternative system and terminology or you need to learn basic set theory. I recommend starting with the latter.
As I said, you have a highly idiosyncratic notion of sets and a highly idiosyncratic terminology to go with that. If you wish to be understood by other people, then you need to either state your system of notions and terminology, or show how they can be defined from notions and terminology that other people do already understand.
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You can start at the very beginning:
'is an element of'
'is a member of'
'is in'
'in'
'e'
are just variants of the same primitive relation of set theory.
The symbol 'e' itself is a primitive relation symbol. It is not defined. Rather, there are axioms that determine what theorems are derived with 'e' in them. However, from 'e' we define a number of other symbols that intuitively stand for various concepts, including 'list'. With those definitions we formulate yet more theorems (though they all are in principle reducible to just the primitive 'e').
Your notions though, as so far stated, don't resolve to that process. Therefore, if you want to be understood, then you need to either show how your notions do resolve to those of set theory, or you need to state your own primitives, axioms and definitions that do explicate your own notions, or at least give some coherent outline about that.
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Meanwhile, at least you should pay attention to the fact that there is a difference between 'set' and 'list' as a list is a certain kind of set. For example:
{John Paul George Ringo} = {George Paul Ringo John}
but
{<1 John> <2 Paul> <3 George> <4 Ringo>} not= {<1 George> <2 Paul> <3 Ringo> <4 John>}
and
<John Paul George Ringo> not= <George Paul Ringo John>
{John Paul George Ringo} is the set whose members are John, Paul, George and Ringo, in whatever order you want to mention them.
{<1 John> <2 Paul> <3 George> <4 Ringo>} is a set theoretic list, which is itself a set whose members are <1 John>, <2 Paul>, <3 George> and <4 Ringo>, in whatever order you want to mention them.
The range of {<1 John> <2 Paul> <3 George> <4 Ringo>} is {John Paul George Ringo}. Or, we can say that the entries of the list are John, Paul, George and Ringo.
<John Paul George Ringo> is the ordered 4-tuple that corresponds to the above list. (It actually unpacks to nested ordered pairs that unpack to certain unordered pairs, but we don't need to spell the details of that now.) Or we can say that the coordinates of <John Paul George Ringo> are John, Paul, George and Ringo.
Crucial takeway: A set is not in any particular order, except a list is a special kind of set that does convey a particular order. And the members of a list are ordered pairs, not the members of the RANGE of the set.
So, I've given you information that is at least a start for you to use common mathematical terminology, so that you may be understood by people other than yourself.