I would say if you think you have mental health issues then dropping acid probably isn't the best idea.

I haven't the vaguest notion of what ails you, but for comparison: When I miss several doses of my antidepressant, I experience a feeling of pressure in my head, the sound of water sloshing around (in my skull, not in my ears), and in general feel ill. When I try to describe this to my doctor I can tell it's not registering as a sensible [something that can be sensed] description. He can't feel my pain, let alone my vague feeling of pressure or water sloshing around.

The walking wounded are of course better off than those in hospital, but at least those in hospital seem to have something that can be treated. Or maybe not.

I have no suggestions either, which is unusual for me. You are probably in some nether region of psychiatry where undiagnosable vague symptoms are the rule, and nobody ever gets much satisfaction from seeing a doctor.

Ah ha: Here's a suggestion -- I knew one would pop up. Have you been examined by a neurologist? -- just to make sure that nothing is amiss neurologically. Neurologists deal with more concrete matters than psychiatrists, it seems like.

Question: is there any time, place, or activity that seems to exaggerate or relieve these symptoms?

Beckett: '“I tried to groan, Help! Help! But the tone that came out was that of polite conversation.” — csalisbury

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite writers.

I would say if you think you have mental health issues then dropping acid probably isn't the best idea. — Pantagruel

Maybe. But I've found that acid, in reasonable doses (& with the right set & setting) is relatively gentle, sometimes even gently cathartic. Honestly, a short plane-flight does me worse. (that said, I have difficulty with even the smallest amounts of THC, while others don't blink an eye. who knows how this stuff works.)

I haven't the vaguest notion of what ails you, but for comparison: When I miss several doses of my antidepressant, I experience a feeling of pressure in my head, the sound of water sloshing around (in my skull, not in my ears), and in general feel ill. When I try to describe this to my doctor I can tell it's not registering as a sensible [something that can be sensed] description. He can't feel my pain, let alone my vague feeling of pressure or water sloshing around.

The walking wounded are of course better off than those in hospital, but at least those in hospital seem to have something that can be treated. Or maybe not.

I have no suggestions either, which is unusual for me. You are probably in some nether region of psychiatry where undiagnosable vague symptoms are the rule, and nobody ever gets much satisfaction from seeing a doctor.

Ah ha: Here's a suggestion -- I knew one would pop up. Have you been examined by a neurologist? -- just to make sure that nothing is amiss neurologically. Neurologists deal with more concrete matters than psychiatrists, it seems like.

Question: is there any time, place, or activity that seems to exaggerate or relieve these symptoms? — Bitter Crank

Neurologist is a great suggestion, I'm just in that bad zone of health insurance/income where my deductible is too high to justify a non-emergency visit. I think what you feel when you miss your antidepressant is the same 'family' of thing I"m experiencing. It's annoying and difficult to convey and overall strange. Regarding alleviation - booze definitely helps. But, then, the day after its 3x as strong (if not more.) It does seem to lessen a little if I get a really good night's sleep. And it's worse if I get very little sleep. Meditation definitely helps - it's still there, but I 'm less frustrated by it, and I can see around it a little better.

I think if the problem took the form of, say, a random stray cat that followed me around, i could deal with it better. It's sort of like that - it's not painful, or disruptive usually. It's just like, weird, and distracting( occasionally, though rarely, it shades into something a little scarier) Usually, it's the inexplicableness of it which bothers me most.

What i'm going to say is going to sound stupid to most people here, and it would sound stupid to most people in this modern society, but maybe it will speak to you.

This thing that you feel in your head, in your mind, does it feel alive? You say it moves around; sometimes it feels like a hand massaging your brain. I think you will agree that if we were to open your skull we wouldn't find a physical being moving around your brain, and most people would conclude that it's all "in your mind", that you're "imagining it", that you're "hallucinating".

I suggest that what you feel is real, that you feel the presence of a non-physical being. You can't see it with your eyes, but you have some sense that allows you to perceive it in a vague way. This isn't that far-fetched when you think about it: we have the ability to sense invisible things, for instance we can sense electromagnetic radiation outside of the visible spectrum, when the radiation is intense enough we feel it in a vague way, as heat.

In your case it's presumably not electromagnetic radiation, it's something else, something that materialistic science believes does not exist. And modern psychiatry being materialistic, they couldn't address your problem.

And you can tell that this non-physical being is not benevolent, as you say it is severely impiging on your quality of life, it is uncomfortable, it takes up a lot of your awareness, it is a burden. Taking acid helped you push it away, at least temporarily.

Going further than that, I suggest that these malevolent non-physical beings are all around, but most people don't perceive them the way you do. At least you're perceiving in a vague way one that is messing with you constantly; if you didn't perceive it you would have no idea where to look.

So what can you do? You know that acid worked against it, at least temporarily. You could try again, but this time while keeping in mind that you're dealing with a malevolent non-physical being, and focusing on pushing it away. In that way you will know more about what you're dealing with exactly, what that thing does to you and what it is capable of.

If you want for now you could see the "malevolent non-physical being" as a metaphor and not a real thing, but I think you will come to see that it is more than a metaphor, and that you're not just struggling with yourself.

Since my teenage years, I've dealt with a vague smear of mental illness related problems. Also, since my childhood years, I've always had a streamlined persona that's engineered, in part, to deflect questions ('nothing to see here'.) These two things have been in conflict for a while. Part of the problem is that the latter thing takes automatic control when I'm with strangers (in psychiatric jargon, I never 'present' with what I'm actually dealing with.) Beckett: '“I tried to groan, Help! Help! But the tone that came out was that of polite conversation.”

No matter what's going on, I can retain the polite, rational view and doctors tend to draw it out of me. And I get that - from my short stints in mental institutions, I've seen that there are loads of people suffering way worse than me and with way fewer resources. If I automatically speak calmly and reasonably, then it make sense to discharge me and free up a bed for someone who is more clearly disorganized.

After a few rounds of that, I realized I'm going to have to take care of myself, and have done so. It's tricky, but I can mask my symptoms at work, and make it through. However there's one major symptom which I don't understand and can't find the resources to understand. I realize this isn't a medical forum, and big disclaimer, i'm not looking for any medical or pyschiatric advice, and won't take anything said as that - I'm just curious about any thoughts on this.

For about five years, I've had a pressure in my head. It's not a headache, it's not painful -tho it is uncomfortable. My awareness tends to focus on it, its drawn to it. It began as a vague pressure. In the past two years, its felt more like a weird amorphous presence. It moves around, like a cloud. Sometimes it feels almost like a hand massaging my brain, in an uncomfortable way. Once, last year, I took acid, and watched big widescreen 4k nature videos with my roomate - I could feel this thing slowly dissolving, one piece at a time, but it was just the tip of whatever that iceberg is. A few pieces melted away, but most if it remained.

I'm aware this, like all spooky mental health stuff, is uncomfortable to talk about for others, and for me too. But I feel mostly sane and rational. I go to work, perform my job normally. I pay my bills. I can talk about a given subject normally, if that's what's asked. But this thing is always there, especially the last few years.

I would just live with it, only it seems to take up a lot of my awareness, and to be a block of some sorts. Whatever it is, it's severely impiging on my qualitity of life .

I guess I'm curious if anyone has heard of something like this, or has any ideas about what it is, or how to deal with it. I ingenously tried the psychiatric establishment, but it didn't work (even if that's my fault), and I'm not sure what else to do. — csalisbury

i'm not saying it is a hallucination in the strictest sense but it could be a tactile hallucination. You can get those in your head. technically the brain isn't supposed to feel (i'm not sure thats true nor sure how it could be true). Some people have unhealthy central nervous systems. Sometimes a lack vitamin B (there are atleast 12 types of vitamin B) will help an unhealthy nervous system. Zinc (i don't know how zinc effects women) can help men with various brain issues including an unhealthy central nervous system. What you might find is the vitamin B and various things that treat the unhealthy central nervous system might make you slightly more aware of your surroundings. The problem this awareness could snow ball and you might end up back in the hospital because of "too much information".

If you are unwilling to see a doctor about this issue, i would suggest you talk to an aunt or an uncle or even your parents.

I actually treat my former mental condition with tobacco. I smoke and use tobacco products continouously all day long. It actually allows me to keep a job without being tired all day. Many psychiatric medicines shorten your life in more ways than one, i see no problem tobacco considering i don't consider a lengthy life to be a blessing.

Maybe. But I've found that acid, in reasonable doses (& with the right set & setting) is relatively gentle, sometimes even gently cathartic. Honestly, a short plane-flight does me worse. (that said, I have difficulty with even the smallest amounts of THC, while others don't blink an eye. who knows how this stuff works.) — csalisbury

I'm certainly not against drugs. I've never done acid, and have no idea of what it feels like or how it would hurt or help a person with a given condition. I'm guessing you don't just like to stick to just weed or alcohol? When i say i'm not against drugs and alcohol, what i mean by that is drugs are for poor and depressed people but at the same time they should be used with extreme caution. Proverbs chapter 1 and chapter 31.

Eventhough I would suggest seeing a doctor first, since the symptom you are describing seems to be (?) physical, I get the sense that you are not looking for that type of advice.

If you suspect that the problem is psychological in nature, then I would consider the possibility that your subconscious is trying to send you a message. Perhaps something in your life or something in your past is weighing on you and needs to be resolved.

Meditating on your problem may help. Take long walks if you're not the type to sit down. The purpose is to be alone with your thoughts without allowing distractions. Then analyze your thoughts and feelings, and confront them if necessary.

My experience with problems of a subconscious nature is that one already knows the answer intuitively, but does not want to accept it. For example, because it may confront one with a part of themselves they do not like.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, my advice would be to listen to your intuition. Another way to tap into your subconscious could be through writing down your dreams and analyzing them. If you're interested in that I could point you to a possible method you could use.

76. The Stone Mind
Hogen, a Chinese Zen teacher, lived alone in a small temple in the country. One day four traveling monks appeared and asked if they might make a fire in his yard to warm themselves.

While they were building the fire, Hogen heard them arguing about subjectivity and objectivity. He joined them and said: "There is a big stone. Do you consider it to be inside or outside your mind?"

One of the monks replied: "From the Buddhist viewpoint everything is an objectification of mind, so I would say that the stone is inside my mind."

"Your head must feel very heavy," observed Hogen, "if you are carrying around a stone like that in your mind."

http://www.ashidakim.com/zenkoans/76thestonemind.html

I'm with the neurologist suggestion. It could be all sorts of neurological problem: a migraine - these can take a wide variety of forms - a very mild epilepsy, an actual physical object issue like a cyst or tumor or a bunch of other things from the trivial to the serious. It could be affecting your emotions, but it might have nothing to do with them. I'd suggest not going acid also. NOt so much because of emotional stability, but because it is robbing peter to pay paul. It's a kind of short cut. You're going to need to bridge that gap yourself. The problem with drugs for people who are not addicts, generally, is that they imply heavily to the person that this is the only way to get to X - a particular state of mind or attitude. And this is not true, but the use does interfere with getting their without the drug. Take amphetamines before you sprint, and after a while your base sprinting is going to be worse. Only with acid, say, or X, what gets worse is a base emotional or spiritual state.

Just a casual warning that advice from non-professionals, no matter how well-meaning or well-intended...is more likely to lead in a negative direction than a positive one...if RELIEF is the objective.

Work with professionals. Non-professionals are more likely to suggest ways for things to get worse...than better.

My (completely unprofessional, so take it from whence it comes) impression is that you should look into it being one of the three following:

1. It could be an actual medical issue. Like a cyst or benign tumor or blood pressure thing or some such. I'm guessing you might have already ruled that out? But certainly something to ask a doc about, cause that's good to get on top of on time.

2. It could be a form of migraine. Not all migraines hurt. I know several people who have odd kinds of migraines, like visual ones. Again, a doc could maybe help with that.

3. It's a tactile hallucination as a side-effect of either whatever mental condition you have, or perhaps the meds you're taking for it (if you are). Not to be a broken record, but especially if it could be related to your meds, a talk with the doc is in order.

(Fwiw, I'm very certain there is no weird "being" massaging your grey matter just for kicks, as someone suggested above... :roll: )

I would have to agree with Pantagruel that with the symptoms you are having it is probably not a good idea to be using hallucinogens.
I agree with Artimus' thought as well. You may need a medical work up, blood work, brain scans, MRIs etc, to rule out a physical cause of your symptoms.
You don't mention any medications you are taking, so if you are taking meds you may want to research any side effects you may be experiencing for possible connection to your symptoms.
I know this is hard to deal with, but hang in there and know that you will defeat this one day soon.

能性を

Thank you for all the suggestions, everyone. First thing: I do not plan on taking acid in order confront actual demons. I may seem a little lax in my relationship to LSD, but I have the clarity to recognize that to drop with a mindset of ' there are actual malevolent entities after me' is to chart a clear course for disaster. (I do appreciate the sincere sentiment behind the suggestion.)

Neurologist makes sense but ( and I really want to emphasize this, because its a real constraint) for someone with my yearly income and a >5k deductible, its not as easy as simply going to the doctor. If I go to the doctor for something like this, that's effectively a choice to carve out at least 1/10 of my yearly income (realistically, much more). That's a big deal. I suspect it to be psychosomatic. I may be wrong. If it was covered, there'd be no question - i'd go tonight. IF there was a good chance it was a neurological thing and, even though it was going to set me back a year or two, it was going to save me - same thing. But I don't think it is physical. I only have a couple thousands in savings - the mental/financial/psychological toll of getting MRIS I don't need could ultimately be worse, even much worse, than bracketing that possibility

I think I need to do a better job of explaining what I'm talking about, because it's really odd. I kind of sketched it, but I think I need to explain how it weaves in with various emotional things - it doesn't seem disconnected from that, it seems like a strange expression. I'll have to do that when I'm sober tho (just back from pub trivia.)

However you call that thing that you’re dealing with, and which bothers you enough that you seek help to get rid of it, you at least know that LSD helped you against it and psychiatry didn’t. If you find something else that helps, great. If you don’t, then consider going back to the one thing that did work, with an inquiring mindset, not a fearful one. I’ll stop talking about that now, good luck.

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My thoughts:

The LSD use is a symptom of the illness.

You might see a neurologist to rule out a physical cause of your problems but I doubt the testing will reveal anything.

Your focus on the vague symptom is more a concern than the vague symptom.

A realistic treatment would attempt to allow you to best cope with the symptoms because it's doubtful they'll fully go away.

I wish you well and hate to hear you're having a difficult time.

I have zero training or personal experience in these matters and could be completely wrong except about the last part of wishing you well.

I don't think it is physical. — csalisbury

If it is not physical, then it is meaningful.

A presence that pressures and manipulates. (you say)

If it's in your head, it's you; an aspect of yourself that is denied, that cannot be reconciled.

So on the basis of those ifs, you might try to speak on its behalf. To articulate 'what it wants of you', that might even become 'what I want'.

I guess I'm curious if anyone has heard of something like this, or has any ideas about what it is, or how to deal with it. I ingenously tried the psychiatric establishment, but it didn't work (even if that's my fault), and I'm not sure what else to do. — csalisbury

Religious people, such as myself, believe that prayer is a much more effective cure to mental issues than most approaches in psychiatry (but probably not all). Prayer often succeeds where psychiatry fails. However, there is a twist to that view.

Prayer only works if you believe that it does, while you also need to be patient and keep trying until it works. It is like trying to lose weight. If you give up, you fail. If you don't give up, one day or the other, it will really work.

Hence, prayer-as-a-cure contains an important element of autosuggestion. In that sense, prayer will never work for unbelievers. That is even how it is meant to be. As unbelievers often prefer to keep suffering, they probably should.

So, yes, you can be saved, if only you believe that you can.

Those're the lines along which I've been thinking of it recently. I did give psychiatry a fair shake, but didn't seem to respond to anything, and I'm not currently taking any medications. Most of my symptoms, while still present, have ebbed (some significantly) - except this one.

I've been meditating recently, which helps a lot. There's something about it that feels a little like a prayer. You're not exactly communicating with God, but the feeling of gently holding your awareness, gently bringing it back, doesn't feel navel-gazing. It seems like it has the opposite effect - it calms you down enough to begin to take in a little of the outside world. There's an afterglow afterward too, where you're more present, but for me it's a little like carrying a candle into a breeze and it only lasts so long, much less if I'm around people (who I get anxious around.

I agree with this

As unbelievers often prefer to keep suffering, they probably should.

though I do feel that the preference for suffering divides along lines other than believers/nonbelievers. I do think militant unbelief is usually correlated with a preference for suffering, but maybe because that's a way-of-being that falls along that other line. (If I had to venture into what the line is, I'm not totally sure, but it has something to do with being injured, and then counterbalancing with a certain kind-of self-dominance that makes you in charge of inflicting your own suffering, so you won't get hurt worse by the outside. If that is the case, there's something of that in me, even if no longer manifests along belief/nonbelief lines. You can feel unworthy of prayer, in the same way you can feel unworthy of sex, or artistic creation, or social inclusion. That's a hard thing to work on, I'm trying gropingly to understand it better.

@unenlightened I think you're right - where I get cautious is I suspect that part of me is resentful and destructive and I'm wary of it. But I've also been thinking something like : even if it is, it's already working a destructive spell in the way it dissociates me. That's painful for the people that care about me, and who would like to feel my care back. It might be that that's the whole purpose - to be destructive in that way, unless I can find some better way to understand it. It seems really delicate though. Sometimes I think, its just some kind of grief or sadness or frustration that has to be processed with someone else there. The therapy I've tried, so far, has too much talking, and talking in a face to face way which, for me, triggers a reflex of hiding in myself, and letting myself carry on an auto-conversation. Stupidly (but I don't know how to stop it) it often turns into, with male therapists a pissing contest over who can interpret me better. WIth female therapists, it turns into a pose of woundedness. I recognize these are very unhelpful ways of doing therapy, but I haven't been able to figure a way around them, so I stopped trying. If there was a therapy where you could just name one or two themes or thoughts or emotions, to set a tonic, and then sit with the other person in silence - I really think that could be helpful.

I wish you well and hate to hear you're having a difficult time. — Hanover

Thank you, I appreciate that a lot. & I agree with your post

The therapy I've tried, so far, has too much talking, — csalisbury

That is already the other speaking, rejecting the analysis. You don't have to work out how you feel.

So take yourself seriously here; start drawing, painting, clay modelling carving, something tactile and expressive. And meanwhile hold onto those people that care about you. Art therapy is a thing - you can read about it - but more so just start doing the art and let the therapy do itself.

I have a weirdity associated with going to sleep where I end up on a kind of roller coaster.

I was astonished to find that a doctor knew what it is. It has to do with falling asleep along an unusual path. He said to wake myself up and go back to sleep. That usually works, but I also discovered that focusing on breathing also makes it dissolve.

I have bad feelings about trying to communicate with that sort of thing. My gut says not to attack it in that way. Let it be... after the MRI and what not.

I get spooked too, for sure. I like unenlightened and alcontail's suggestions. Prayer and art - not necessarily saying 'what's up, dark thing, let's tango' but maybe making a calm or creative space where it can come out and express itself safely. In terms of letting it be, maybe, but it seems sort of like I've let someone into my house, and I'm doing a thing where I allow it to hang out and do whatever, while also pretending that isn't happening. How long can you do that? If I push him outside, he might start forcing the doors. The only option I can see is slow integration.

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