Alright, I've stated this designation. I have pedophilic disorder, and so, am a pedophile. I'm 31 years old.

Honestly, it's been difficult to accept being this. Ten years ago, I came out of the closet and was struggling with shedding echoes of religious conditioning and the effects of having what would be my first of many major mental breakdowns from two years earlier. Although coming out did free a part of me, there was still something else I had been suppressing along with it...

I ended up being psychologically abusive to my boyfriend and at one point even forced falacio on him, and in doing so, effectively raped him.

After our break up, my paranoia flared up again. The theme the second time around was of being suspected of bloodlust toward my ex and his father, outing him for his sexual orientation and his cousin for having raped him since the age of seven, and being accused of pedophilia since I started going on chat sites flooded with bots looking for them (I was a shut it yet still craved interaction). I wasn't actually looking for youngsters, I actually figured even back then (2013) young kids had better mediums of communicational platforms to chat on (I went to a 90's vibe chat room styled site called Chat Hour).

In 2015 (I was 27), I tutored a 16 year old in writing a standard five paragraph English essay. I'd say this was my first significant instance of feeling an attraction to a minor. We were alone in his room while I helped him out. Before I knew it, I caught myself asking him to describe his anatomy and if he had already begun engaging in sexual interaction with the girls at his school. I believe this was crossing the line, I even believed it then and the reprimand reverberated in my thoughts as I left his house. That night, I relieved myself thinking of him.

After that night, I saw him maybe a couple more times to finish up his essay, then, never spoke to him again. I didn't focus on pedophilia after that instant. I went through with age appropriate frivolous sex for another three years.

By 2018, I had moved around a lot, but, eventually made it back to my hometown. By this point, I became homeless (still am to this day). I met up with some drug cultured homeless gay guys (between the ages of 26 and 30) and tried to have sex with one of them. The next day, he told me if I had managed to penetrate him, it would've in effect been rape, since he was dozing off by the time I was ready to do so.

My paranoia was reignited. "Am I a rapist?" I asked myself. I began to give up finding solace in the gay community. Instead, I turned to porn and have become quite the addict.

That's when pedophilic inclinations resurfaced in me. I focus on 18 year olds having sex with 40 and 50 year olds in porn (not technically pedophilia, but the 18 year olds are often role playing, behaving like much younger versions of themselves in a boy-to-daddy way), as well as graphic art of this nature. I now know I'm turned on by this. Being submissive, I'm more turned on by channeling the 18 year old during the sexual act. Nonetheless, it is what it is, a pedophilic fixation.

I maintain that consent is essential, even in rape fantasies. Still, this is my mind on sex, my euphoria. If it were legal for anyone under 18 to consent to sex with anyone over 18, I'd have no problem with this. However, just because I subjectively think this way doesn't mean I'm going to set out to make my ideal a reality. Over a century ago, there was much corruption surrounding what we now designate as minors, but, if one genuinely wanted to sexually open up back then, it was seen differently (14 year old girls being married off to senior wealthy men, red light districts and the such). I know we no longer live in such times, and do think we are better for it (with the freedom back then came a failure to protect those whom fell prey to being victimized, which was often enough the case). However, you don't have to be an impoverished kid to want to engage in sex merely for survival. But still, even considering all of this, my fixation isn't so unruly that I override law and societal moral to actively seek this out. I sate myself with porn and pornographic comics. My beliefs are more lax than the law and moral, however, but my value of freedom by not breaking it is much more so.

Under Florida Romeo and Juliet law, I did have sex with an employed drop-out 17 year old when I was 21.

Should people like me be registered predators even if we abide by the law regardless of our nature?