Definitely, they promised me things at intake and did not live up to their promises. I was in danger and I send off clear signals and they did not even want to take it in consideration. So I left them. It was group therapy, so I am aware one should be careful approaching sex-related issues seeing as people might be abused. But I literally said that I noticed excessive sexual behaviour and that I wanted to change that. It significantly damaged my life at the time.

So you are right.

Well, then takes some load off my shoulders. I am not the bragging type. I am not even elaboratively discussing all the details explicitly, unless with my current sex partner. With her I am telling every little dirty thing but she thinks it's hot and happy that she can be open to me as well. It's considered inappriopriate for a man to talk nastily about sex, consider how people would think if a girl does that….

At first, it was like "wow, this is what rock stars must be doing," but I suppose they are much younger and it matters more to them and it's part of a lifestyle that doesn't appeal to me. — Hanover

At some point, whether through years of experience with multiple partners, or intellectual reasoning, one can easily conclude that a search for the Stevie Windwood 'Higher Love' is something worth searching for... .

In other words, the mind, body, spirit connection makes sex that much better. But of course, you already knew that.

So, for example, if I'm having lunch with a female friend, I don't begin the conversation by telling her how much I love anal sex (or whatever) because that to me would be inappropriate. And it's inappropriate because of the likelihood it would make her uncomfortable . — Baden

I've been with several women ( I'm divorced) and on the first date, they asked how big my penis was... . I must admit I was a bit startled, but was able to banter back. I took it as a fun-loving gesture/question... .

If we're talking about talking about sex, I don't find it distasteful when people do, unless it's exaggerated/bragging and their past partners are the butt of every bragging joke. — fdrake

This is the important distinction that people fail to make. Glad you parsed it!

I heard the pubic was political. — Bitter Crank

Yep, ask Bill Clinton that one !

Sort of begs yet another question about human sexuality. Why do people have affairs?

Freud apparently had some theories:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychoanalysis-unplugged/201805/7-things-about-sex-and-love-sigmund-freud-nailed

That's what confuses me. Should I just be myself and utter the words and have a chance at a stronger bond(hehe possibly getting laid) or should I follow most others and shut my mouth that aren't really honest and open about it. I found a way to deal with it. Feel the ambience, try a few jokes, if people around me are not expressive and shutout and not open about other things, the chance is high they won't care for my sexual fantasies.

I should add, I don't spontaneously tell my fantasies. But when a friend says: 'uh that's disgusting and sick when people have that fantasy/fetish. ' I reply: 'I actually find it hot and enjoyable.' — ttjordy

I believe that's a healthy outlook and approach. Seems appropriate, depending upon your so-called audience.

As long as you are true to yourself (about your sexuality), it seems like a virtuous thing that should be celebrated and nurtured. And sure, use common sense, and temper your enthusiasm where appropriate... .

I don't want to talk about your sexual life.

It's considered inappriopriate for a man to talk nastily about sex, consider how people would think if a girl does that…. — ttjordy

You're reporting on either your personal norm or what you perceive as a cultural norm, but what you say isn't universally accepted. Women and men speak the same where I'm from.

Why do people have affairs? — 3017amen

I don't think people have affairs for one reason only. Successful monogamy requires self and social discipline -- and in many instances, both of those disciplines are weak. One may not feel much guilt for having affairs and/or the social sanctions for having affairs are not very consequential. Still, we know that morally disciplined, guilt prone people living in rigidly moralistic societies still have affairs. There are both positive and negative motivations for affairs. An affair does not prove that the primary relationship is unsuccessful.

I didn't include biological motivations. I don't think philandering birds are motivated by sexual boredom, and while human behavior may be driven by biological drives, we usually don't think in biological terms when evaluating our own behavior, Husbands are unlikely to explain an affair by saying that he was optimizing his chances of having surviving offspring. He'd be laughed out of court.

a) for variety in sexual and emotional experiences - positive motivation
b) opportunity (suddenly, bedding a casual partner became possible and convenient) - positive motivation
c) boredom with long-term relationship - negative motivation
d) ego-boost (hey, I can still attract others) - positive motivation
e) vindictiveness (punishing a permanent partner) - negative motivation
f) feelings of worthlessness (I'll prove that I am bad) - negative motivation
g) nostalgia (for the days when one was free and available) - either positive or negative motivation

Very, very well said Bitter!!!

Lots to unpack there, and plenty of lessons learned, as it were.

I do think yet another common theme emerges there namely a lack of communication of some sort, which is driving many of these behaviors.

I think we can all relate to stories relative to human beings not being able to express their sexual dissatisfactions with their partners. It certainly doesn't justify an affair, however, some people ( introverts ) are unable to express their wants and needs and sometimes act out on their dissatisfactions... .

And of course often times we hear about how religious dogma and associated so-called paradigm's suppressing/repressing expression... very sad indeed.

I think we can all relate to stories relative to human beings not being able to express their sexual dissatisfactions with their partners. — 3017amen

Yes, and that's why @ttjordy was wondering how open one's discussions should be.

Couples, however they define themselves, definitely do better by communicating what is important to the relationship. Many don't. Or, they bottle up dissatisfactions until it becomes anger then rage and finally they blow up, and a bad time is had all round. And blow-ups usually don't help. (Of course it isn't just sexual issues that follow this course.). Blow-ups involve too many guided missiles and not nearly enough negotiation. It can be hard for the two people to recover.

I've not always been as communicative as I should have been. I don't really know why -- At times I just wanted to get into my shell and stay there. I'm kind of a loner, sort of introverted. The racket between my ears was about all I could manage sometimes.

BTW, I think Freud gets short shrift these days. True enough, not all of his ideas were successful, and Freud was better than some 'Freudian' practitioners. The various schools of psychotherapy that were spawned (everything from Behaviorism to Orgone Boxes) enriched the field greatly and in other cases added a great deal of bullshit to the soil. Wilhelm Reich had some excellent observations in social psychology, particularly about the psychology of fascism, if I remember correctly,, but his theory that one could accumulate psychic energy in his Orgone Box falls into the bullshit category. Too bad. It would be nice if one could.

DO you think there might be a certain inherent bias in the framing of this thread?

All those who are not open about their sexuality, post here...

Yes, and that's why ttjordy was wondering how open one's discussions should be. — Bitter Crank

Yes, agreed!

Or, they bottle up dissatisfactions until it becomes anger then rage and finally they blow up, and a bad time is had all round. — Bitter Crank

Indeed. I can't tell you how many people both men and women who have complained to me... . It must have something to do with the notion over why human's have intrinsic fears... .

not always been as communicative as I should have been. I don't really know why -- At times I just wanted to get into my shell and stay there. I'm kind of a loner, sort of introverted. The racket between my ears was about all I could manage sometimes — Bitter Crank

Yep, I get that. I used to be more of an introvert but when I went into my midlife crisis, having to manage people and getting back into performing music, I was forced to embrace extroversion in order to help achieve success in both those areas of my personal and professional life.

Wilhelm Reich had some excellent observations in social psychology, particularly about the psychology of fascism, if I remember correctly,, but his theory that one could accumulate psychic energy in his Orgone Box falls into the bullshit category. Too bad. It would be nice if one could. — Bitter Crank

Yep. Although a bit eccentric, I think he was onto something. We now know having regular orgasms can help cure a lot of ailments including breast and prostate cancer. I would have loved to try the orgone box though! In principle, it seemed like initially he had good intentions. Good stuff Bitter!

Thanks man. I am learning to handle it better nowadays. I was never allowed by my parents to talk about sex or intimacy when I was a child. I think that damaged or actually inprented a slanted, crooked view on openness about them.

I am reporting on the societal norm. I actually find it normal for both sexes to be as open.

Thanks for a very detailed and explanatory comment!

That's fine by me.

New to this thread, wondering if the OP is sexually active?

am reporting on the societal norm. I actually find it normal for both sexes to be as open.
10h — ttjordy

Yep! I think women are finally coming out of their shell and speaking their mind to other men which is a good thing. For years they just kept it among themselves... .

Both men and women want good sex!

New to this thread, wondering if the OP is sexually active — csalisbury

...and... ?

Thanks man. I am learning to handle it better nowadays. I was never allowed by my parents to talk about sex or intimacy when I was a child. I think that damaged or actually inprented a slanted, crooked view on openness about them. — ttjordy

Yep! I remember in grade school one of the kids said to me that their parents wake them up in the morning before school butt naked. When he said that to me, I laughed, and thought it was very strange. Looking back it couldn't be further from the truth. I wish my parents had woke me up nude.

How about this; it was and would have been a teaching moment without having to teach!

Currently, yes.

Why is that information useful and interesting to this discussion?

An interesting topic. Schopenhauer (and Freud of course) broke it wide open. The studies by Kinsey et al, Masters and Johnson, are worth looking into as well. As for your question: I don't find it hard to talk about, but I have to talk about it objectively.

Like most things, it's a touchy subject and therefore MUCH more interesting than average conversation.

Objectively would be like sexual education. And subjectively would mean your own prefences, fantasies or fetishes?

Why is that information useful and interesting to this discussion? — ttjordy

I just like to ask questions about sex; some people get on me about it, but I think its better to be open.

I see them as related. We simply don't consider most of our behavior reflectively, including sexual behavior (thoughts or actions). Any individual's piccadillos isn't terribly interesting outside of a general psychological understanding. How these are acquired through experience is interesting, for example.

I think analyzing sex in terms of power dynamics is on the right track. The effects of internet pornography and how it's effecting adolescent male's brains is another topic of importance.

I'm digressing from the OP, but my point is only that I agree it's an important topic and should be discussed openly more - especially in our morbid, Puritanical society.

As open as you feel the need to be. It's a bodily function. As you said like eating, sleeping, or defecating. It's not really interesting to a second party who's not a potential partner. Unless you expect some kind of attention or respect from it.

That said it can be a personal topic that stirs up emotion. Someone who's been cheated on, etc. Imagine you're married and you found out your best friend who you've known for years, before you met your wife in this case, slept with her often beforehand. Or you suddenly find out an old friend of your wife who she has around, watches the kids, currently works for, whatever it may be, did the same and no one told you. The average person might look at him a little differently. To say the least.

Personally I like to keep personal/irrelevant business to myself. As far as partners go you were either real and up front at the beginning or you weren't. Whatever your mannerism is to the thing be it subtle or explicit it shouldn't take much thought.

Now that I'm older (heh I guess) I have to say I'm not a fan of promiscuity. When you mature you realize there's really no female close in your life you wish to be or have been. Naturally you'd be proud of your son to be so. Eh. Male hypocrisy/misogyny what can I say.

Personally, I see this as a private topic. It's kind of like ok well that was a bit too much info. I guess it would be more ok the closer you are to the person because people in general may not be comfortable with such discussions.