I’m 40 years old this year, and I still don’t know what to do, whether I should continue to live/die Some months have gone by, and I still feel haunted by my thoughts, thinking the only reason I continue to live (for now) is the fear of death. That seems like a pretty bad reason to live.
When I talk to people around me about these thoughts and feelings, I feel like an outsider. Nobody truly understands it, or understands why I think about life this way. I would say that almost everyone around me thinks life is worth living, enjoys it for the most part, pursues careers, travels, has children...and to me, it all seems empty and pointless.
I won't deny that I've experienced peaceful and enjoyable days in my life - the problem is when I face intense suffering, and I can't find a rational reason to keep going and endure it.
Searching forums, Quora, Reddit further confuses and depresses me - opinions about the rationality or irrationality of suicide vary, and I can't make up my own mind.
I've browsed discussions about suicide here on TPF as well, mostly discussing suicide as an irrational act, but I just don't see it that way for myself.
Why is suicide considered irrational in most cases? Why is choosing to keep on living seen as rational?
Am I just lying to myself, convincing myself that life is worth it so I won't have to go through suicide?
My mind keeps convincing me that the most rational thing one can do is, in fact, commit suicide.
Over the years, I've mostly identified with philosophical pessimism and antinatalism, which may also shape my worldview. It's just that I cannot identify with anything else. And the fact that there are pessimists who have committed suicide also makes me wonder if that is a logical conclusion to this philosophy.
I feel like I need some sort of meaning, a reason to keep going, but I can't seem to find one and instead obsess over the feeling that the only reason for this search is the fear of death and the complex act of suicide.
TL, DR - I feel that living or continuing to live is an irrational choice, that by living, I am doing something irrational. There are only two options - to live or to die - is suicide, even for 'healthy' and 'sane' people, irrational?"