My G*D model is defined as ALL, the Whole of which humans are curious particles. — Gnomon
While we ponder this and all, we have some comic relief as Nobody returns from adjusting the DNA of the universe in the continuing story of 'Butterflies At the Edge of Forever':
Nobody’s Fake Home Movies of the CMBR Trip
Nobody invited everyone from the forum and the government over to see some home movies of his trip to the CMBR. The CIA, FBI, NSA, DNA, and three former Presidents attended, as well. President YoungerBush would’ve come, but was on vacation for a month, shooting lame ducks and leakers.
Pasta and antipasta was served for dinner, depending on one’s universal orientation. A few mixed it, trying to cancel out the effects of eating too much, and promptly exploded from both ends.
“Thanks, everyone, for your support,” said Nobody. “The reception was great; no static or noise. I can take some questions before we start the film that filmed the start.”
Shakespeare raised his hand.
“What’s the question?” said Nobody.
“To be or not to be.”
“Good answer.”
“How did you survive after you left the last Daily Planet restaurant?” asked Austin.
“I picked up some frozen food in the Ice Age.”
“But how did you cook it?” persisted Austin, his brain having been temporarily fried, boiled, and sun roasted in New Jersey.
“Remember, there were microwaves all around.”
“Where did you get that “vacuum” cleaner?” asked Profpat.
“I always carry one, for I have another at home. The salesman said that it would cut my work in half, so I bought two.”
“Any great words to characterize the epic journey to the CMBR?” asked RascalPuff.
“‘Veni, Vidi, Velcro’; I came, I saw, and I stuck around.”
“Did you get lost?” asked Fredrick.
“I never get lost, even if I’m told to; I discover alternate destinations.”
“Did you make enough money to retire, and, if so, can I have your old tires?” inquired Graybeard.
“Yes, I did, but it’s really a cruel choice: Work or watch daytime TV.”
“Did you understand Everything? asked Fredrick.
“Often I thought I did, but then I regained consciousness.”
ChickenMan probed, “Were any chickens harmed during the making of your film? Also, did Mother Earth and Father Time produce the cosmic egg?”
“Inconceivable, but I like your approach… now let’s see your departure.”
“What’s reality, really?” asked Mkirkpatrick.
“Much ado about nothing.”
“Is your journey responsible for Hillary running for President?” asked Bill Clinton.
“No, but there was a Presidents’ Day sale at Macy’s and all men’s pants were half off.”
“I’m cured now,” said Bill. “There is no relationship, depending on what the meaning of ‘is’ is. There is really no safe sex from aides. Also, I went to a self-help group for compulsive talkers; it’s called On and On Anon.”
“Why are the two President Clintons always out beating the Bushes?” quizzed ElderBush of Bill.
“Because Al tried to Gore you and lost to Chad, so I must run for First Gentleman to restore our dynasty over yours. Plus, one handy lady bird is worth two bushes anytime.”
“Okay Presidents,” interjected Nobody, “no politics, a word that means many blood sucking insects. I’m still taking questions.”
“What are all the answers?” asked someone in training, “and why are the answers so hard?”
“The answers are easy; they are ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘maybe’, which to kids all mean yes. It’s the questions that are hard.”
Graybeard pleaded, “My X-rated x-ray vision has degenerated; I’m only seeing skeletons now!”
“Maybe you could get a job at an airport.”
“What did the arts graduate say to the engineering graduate?” asked Profpat.
“Would you like fries with your order, sir?”
“Did you meet any of your ancestor’s ancestors?” asked Graybeard.
“I saw my family tree.”
“What the heck!” wondered Graybeard out loud.
“My great-ancestors descended from the trees.”
“What is the moon really made of?” asked Rascal.
“Swiss cheese.”
“But it’s all hard and crusty, although it does have holes.”
“That’s what happens when you leave cheese out.”
“How do you make holy water?” questioned Profpat.
“You boil the hell out of it!”
“What do you think about sex on TV?” wondered Lloyd.
“It can’t hurt you unless you fall off. Now let’s get serious, folks. We’re all used to the new language features by now and the joke industry that they spawned.”
“What did you see in the Garden of Time?” asked Mkirkpatrick.
“There were glimmers and gleams and golden dappled lights like stars hovering and floating slowly about the scene, and a door that invited me into the inner sanctum of the night watchmen’s mainspring. There I found CARE, a gentle old man who sat silently by the sundial in Time’s Sanctuary and slowly marked the hours by the shadows that crept over the face of eternity. I asked him, ‘What time is it?’
“And he answered to my surprise, ‘Do you mean now?’”
“Yogi?” I asked.
“‘No, Yogi is my distant relative, twice removed, but he kept coming back. Anyway, here is the riddle of now:
A moment contains eternal reward;
Both past and future are rolled thereinward.
Time never passes; it stays as it is;
Still, it is ceaselessly moving onward.’”
“I continued on to the CMBR,” said Nobody, “but I could see through it and the universal DNA matrix off toward the radiant void and there I saw JOY, forever young, who turned toward the glow of the fair light that from the infinite did show, basked in its golden beams, and spread her radiance to everything that’s so.”
“God is a woman?” Hillary asked.
“Yes, Mrs. President-to-be who is no longer to be.”
“Now that we know the secrets of the universe, what remains as the ultimate question?” RascalPuff asked.
“It is, ‘Why do squirrels always run back under your car after they are already in the clear?’”
“Some things remain unfathomable,” ruminated Puff.
“How are you feeling? Wasn’t the trip quite a strain on you?” wondered Fredrick.
“Yes, I fell into an upholstery machine, but I am fully recovered now, but if I don’t pay my exorcist I may get repossessed. Also, I entered a period of great inflationary expansion and suffered a small cut on my forehead when the road rose up to meet me, but I have since lost some weight.”
“Did you hear that the short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large?” asked WiseGuy.
“I have now. That was sure a puny pun that deserves punitive measures.”
“Does “nothing” exist out there?” asked Fredrick.
“No, nada, null, zilch, naught, nix, nil, and zippo. Nothing is unconceivable of existence, while the pregnancy of possibility is the mother of all invention. Austin told me to say that.”
“Since the government mostly paid for this trip, isn’t the money tainted?” asked Profpat.
“A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and it taint mine.”
“What is the purpose of life?” asked Austin, seriously.
“To let it flow through you.”
“What is your first memory of flowing life?” continued Austin.
“I do remember being a gleam in my father’s eye, my first glint of spirit. And half of me seems to remember shooting down some sort of tube and emerging into some liquid, then some kind of Olympic swimming race and a merging with an oval football kind of thing and an endless floating about for many months. Then, about a month before I was born, I heard some sounds, like ‘Cootchy-cootchy-coo. Who’s in there?’
“Then, the day before I was born, a voice told me that there is a whole big world out there, and I thought, no, there can’t be; there is only water and calm and darkness; that’s all there is; there can be nothing more. I guess I was not such a visionary back then. Then, the next day—I remember it well since I was born right on my birthday (but had no party until a year later), I was thrust into the light, and I think my first words were, well, it’s a bit hard to recall them since I was very young when I was born, but, since I am a writer, I did speak my first words early, and I think they were: ‘Does anyone have a pair of sunglasses; it’s awfully bright out here.’”
Abraham Lincoln asked, “Why did they move my birthday?”
“Well, February is a confusing short month; for example, this year Fat Tuesday is on February 12, which used to be your birthday, before they moved it, and is the big finale of Mardi-Gras, when we’re supposed to eat enough pancakes and sausage to get us through the 40 days of Lent’s fast food (Wendy’s & McDonalds), I mean fasting, and give up sweets, as of Ash Wednesday, the 13th, a sort of smoke-in day when we remember dust to dust and that we will eventually make ashes of ourselves, then VD on the 14th, I mean Valentine’s Day, when we are supposed to eat a lot of sweets again! What a mixed-up time. Also, Abe, we wanted another three-day weekend, so we combined all of youse guys birthdays into President’s Day. Plus, it is the month of love, as well as skunk mating season, but I repeat myself.”
“I don’t understand the new road signs,” stated Virginia, the only woman on ToeQuest, who is actually Austin’s mother. He signed her up so he could try to use her WebTV to get on ToeQuest from Chicago (it didn’t work very well).
“A 4-WAY-STOP sign means to use the foot brake, then downshift, pull the emergency brake, and drag your foot. STOP A-HEAD says that a head is in the road! WATCH OUT FOR CHILDREN means: Don’t hug, fondle, kiss, touch, or sweet-talk beneath the sign, for you may do the conceivable. So, get a room. BIKE PATH: The official path for bikes is between the two yellow lines in the middle of the road. Also remember that if you speed up when you see a yellow light it will never turn red, since its frequency shifts toward green as you near C, the speed of light! Furthermore, morons always drive slower than you and idiots drive faster than you! Finally, jay walkers have the right of death.”
It was time to show the movie again, but larger, so Nobody powered up his 8 foot diagonal iphone. The video showed someone in the 1800’s riding a horse, then someone riding a horse in the previous century, and so on back for tens of thousands of years, then hundreds of thousands of years of cavemen walking.
Profpat, bored, tried to sneak out the window to go do some exciting accounting. Fredrick tried dividing by zero on his calculator. Abraham Lincoln wrote an address on the wrong side of an envelope. Graybeard counted the spots on the ceiling and connected the dots into a pleasing image. Austin fell asleep. Mkirkpatrick went to Turkey before it could be devoured by Hungary. Rascal slipped off into the 7th dimension for a while (the Heavenly realm). MJA said that boredom is not really equal to excitement after all.
“The trip wasn’t all that interesting at first,” said Nobody, “as we now live in the most amazing of all time. Soon, we may be able to alter our own DNA and speed evolution on its way. We have just heard the Big Bang and have sprung off of the starting line… The human race is on. We are perhaps 1% of the way along to perfection. The possibilities for the finish line are endless, for scientific revelations are entering the fast lane almost daily. Life now is really a royal diadem of momentous gems shining through us all. We live in the best of times, as the universe is truly ours to experience. It is the ultimate free lunch (how do you account for that, Profpat?). Please contribute to ThePhilosophyForum, for that’s where Everything is happening. We accept all denominations, but we prefer fifties and hundreds.”
Nobody sped up the video of the past and soon everything went back into the stars and then the stars dispersed into dust which went back to form the words “The Beginning”, as the film ended.