What you need to do is to find a counselling service, with actual counselors who you can talk to in person. This is an internet philosophy forum, it is neither a suitable medium nor facility for your issues. But it's important that you really go ahead and find a counselor straight away, as a matter of urgency. Just do it!

I'm already in therapy and visit a county psychiatrist every month. I've been on SSRI's for a while now combined with some AP's. I'm doing everything or have done everything in my power to resolve my previous depression and it seems to have worked.

I've read that as people come out of depression that is the period when they are most prone to suicide due to a new source of energy bubbling over. I don't feel like this is something that requires medical attention and would rather have people not tell me this is something I need to "fix" or "get better". It would be my own personal decision and something that if I were alive would feel proud about for being so brave...

You say that you're not depressed, but this is indicative of depression:

I just don't want to live anymore. Nothing in life seems to interest me anymore. I don't feel adequate to deal with life.

I feel like I can't really keep up with life and just want to give up. — Question

Only times when I feel really happy is in my sleep. I just dream my life away. — Question

It sounds like you're just experiencing the prominence of a different aspect of depression than you have previously experienced.

You also say that you don't feel like you need help, but you ask if someone can help.

So, you seem rather conflicted.

Yes, there is help out there. Professional help. Yes, this is something that many other people have dealt with before. What should you do? Get help if need be.

Since you seem to be an avid reader perhaps try reading the Bible, along with works from the Western hermetic and mystical traditions, Rudolf Steiner, Simone Weil, Valentin Tomberg, existentialist and phenomenological works that deal philosophically with 'lived' meaning as opposed to objectifying meaninglessness, for example Heidegger, Kierkegaard, Michel Henry.

I don't feel as though my life is meaningless. I live and try and help my mother however I can. From a biological standpoint, I see no reason to interact with people anymore. Neither do I want any women in my life? Philosophy seems to help me; but, it's like I've reached all the answers I was searching for in my life and am content with everything. I don't listen to my desires and I don't want to deal with any future problems. So, if I end it now it would be with a smile, not as an act of desperation.

Maybe I just miss being depressed...

I'm already in therapy and visit a county psychiatrist every month. — Question

But they're better qualified to answer your questions and concerns than we laypeople.

All they want me to do is find some new behavioral patterns and immerse myself in some activities. I don't want that. I don't want anything for the matter. Under such circumstances, suicide doesn't seem to me like a bad option.

All they want me to do is find some new behavioral patterns and immerse myself in some activities. I don't want that. I don't want anything for the matter. Under such circumstances, suicide doesn't seem to me like a bad option. — Question

But following that advice might help. I just hope that you realise that you feel and think what you do right now due to various factors which affect your judgement, and that your current state of mind can change, and change for the better.

I don't feel as though my life is meaningless. I live and try and help my mother however I can. — Question

But do you feel your life as rich with meaning?

From a biological standpoint, I see no reason to interact with people anymore. Neither do I want any women in my life?

What about from an emotional standpoint, or rather why does it need to be "from a standpoint" at all? What about from an emotional feeling? Do you want to associate with people, would you feel association to be enriching?

Philosophy seems to help me; but, it's like I've reached all the answers I was searching for in my life and am content with everything. I don't listen to my desires and I don't want to deal with any future problems. So, if I end it now it would be with a smile, not as an act of desperation.

Maybe I just miss being depressed...

I wonder what answers you have reached. I don't see philosophy as offering any answers at all, but as a process of clarifying questions. For me, philosophy is a preparatory process, a clearing ground for something far more important. It's good to be content within yourself as a way to start, but are you excited, passionate, about anything beyond yourself? I am curious as to why you don't listen to your desires, curious as to why, for example, when you said you didn't want any women in your life you placed a question mark at the end of the sentence.

When I hear you say you miss being depressed; it makes we wonder if you are still taking SSRIs; I have heard that they can cause emotional flatness and loss of libido. If you are off them now then perhaps this is just a temporary state of mind you need to 'ride out'.

In regard to reading, I'm wondering if you have ever read the kinds of works I suggested above. If not, they will at the very least offer you a new kind of experience of reading.

I don't feel like this is something that requires medical attention and would rather have people not tell me this is something I need to "fix" or "get better". — Question

In that case, try *NOT* turning up on public forums and saying that you are feeling like ending it all. There are particular comments that are 'trigger warnings', and this is surely one of them. Philosophy forums are not for personal counselling, they're for reasoned debate of philosophical ideas.

All they want me to do is find some new behavioral patterns and immerse myself in some activities. I don't want that. I don't want anything for the matter. Under such circumstances, suicide doesn't seem to me like a bad option. — Question

Have you tried it at least, or are you just deciding from your present state of mind? Exercise, for example, has an effect on the levels of seratonin and dopamine which will definitely affect the way you feel. Sometimes it is not so much a matter of coming to think a different way about things, but coming to feel a different way. And sometimes all it takes is a nice long bush walk, or some time spent in an environment you are not familiar with.

Ok, sorry for posting here about my issues.

I will try and go over them with a professional. Sorry for making this seem dire. I'm just wary of life and want something certain in my life that is less trivial than the day to day mundane/repetitive/boring. I just don't know what to feel at the moment. Death seems unavoidable and romantic to me at the moment.

If I were your psychiatrist, I would definitely not take your word for it that you were not depressed.

It could be that the idea of suicide, and the meaninglessness of life, is an idea that some obsessive hook in your mind has snagged, and can't let go of. It might be the case that suicide suddenly seems like a cure-all for the misery of life. (It isn't. It just moves the misery on to somebody else.)

They want you to "find some new behavioral patterns and immerse myself in some activities" because, probably, you are doing entirely too much naval gazing--ruminating on all the alleged negative aspects of yourself and your supposed drab wretched life. They want you to do something positive that bolsters positive mindedness, and get out of the rut you are in.

There are normal physical things that you like to do: get up and do them whether you want to do them or not. Force yourself. Doing things that you do enjoy now, or used to enjoy doing, is far better medicine than sitting in a dim gray room (so to speak) adding up all the stuff that is wrong.

Put a rubber band around your wrist: a nice new stretchy, thick one -- but not tight. When you find your thoughts alighting on the topic of suicide, or all the defects in yourself and your life, pull on the rubber band and give yourself a somewhat painful snap. (This is to help break the habit of negative thinking about yourself and your life. If you don't like the pain from the snap, then stop thinking negatively.

Don't suppose that your mother would get over your death and move on. She might not. A child's suicide is very painful for a parent. And don't deprive the world of what you have to offer, either. We need all the help we can get.

You are one of many people, depressed and not depressed, who are at times hard pressed to come up with a good reason for not blowing their brains out. Life is a bitch, and sometimes we feel like it sucks way too much to put up with. But virtually all of us who feel that way, for 10 minutes or 10 years, manage to go on, and we later are glad we did. Not that life turned out to be a bowl of cherries after all, but because we just decided to keep on keeping on and for some reason, life got better.

Are you taking your medicine, on time every day?
Have you reduced the dose, with or without your doctor's approval?
How long have you been taking whatever it is that you are taking now?

Sometimes the effectiveness of specific antidepressants (like SSRIs) declines and people benefit from taking a different antidepressant. Talk to your doctor about it and thank you for giving me this opportunity to play Doctor Krank, Internet Psychiatrist.

Look, don't worry about what others think; you need to decide for yourself and do whatever is best for you; to do, that is whatever enables you to alter your present state of mind; and begin to feel excitement and joy in life again.

If posting on here helps you with that, then I would say do it.

So if you could easily re-program your brain to work however you want (within reasonably human parameters) and alter your own motivations, likes, dislikes and interests, would you? If yes, how and why?

I would do away with all emotions and instead replace them with a cold, machine-like logic. I hate emotions. I don't like dealing with them. Either I'm busy being lazy or fighting my negative emotions with CBT.

I've read about logotherapy, CBT, and the biological roots for the cause of depression and anxiety. Ideally, I would want to become a machine and not deal with emotional problems. Motivated only by progress and advancement.

Look man,

You're very young. In just another thread you were inquiring what you should study at university. You're barely finishing high school. It's normal to feel like this. Why? Because when we're young we're nobodies. Nobody gives a shit about us, we have no power, and nothing we do matters. You have no income, if you wanna go to Hawaii tomorrow, you can't. If you want people around you to respect you, you can't. If you wanna have a child you can't. If you wanna earn some money, you can't. If you wanna start a revolution you can't. If you wanna give some value to someone you can't. Pretty much anything you could think about you can't do - either you don't have the money for it, or you don't have the guts, or you don't have the people, connections or resources you need. And we look at the complexity of the world, and it feels like we don't have a chance - we understand that the way things are going, even in 50 years we won't be able to do anything on the meagre income we earn + the time allocated to earn it. I was once exactly like you. And there's nothing you can do except prepare to be great. Trust me - it really does work. If you believe in yourself, have faith, disregard what everyone else is doing around you, and just focus on developing your aptitudes, you can be free. Because the truth is most people will remain exactly like you are right now. They will not grow - they will take a few drugs, go to university, get a meagre job, be a little clog in the system from there on, and so forth. And they will be tricked by all sorts of propaganda such as "you need experience", etc. Yes of course you need experience, only that the experience you get in a job isn't the experience you need in order to be free - if they actually gave you that experience in a job, nobody would be working anymore would they?

In fact, if you look at anyone - literarily anyone - the CEO! - in a large company, they're doing nothing. They literarily are doing nothing. They're going to work, where more than half their time is spent in useless chatter and fucking around. At that work, they're not growing. Because they don't really take decisions. When you're the big boss, and you have 10 people coming up with plans, it's easy to take decisions. They present them to you, you listen, you calculate, and you pick one. It doesn't take a lot of brain. How do you get there? For most who are already there, by luck. They will be able to do nothing of real value without a gigantic support network around them - a network they are not responsible for making. And that's a failure - they'll always be someone else's slave - even if they are CEOs. And you don't have to be anyone's slave. I'm working on my own right now after having quit my job a few months ago, and it's going great. I've never been happier in fact. I have a lot of free time - my problem is what to do with it. I'm not making a ton of money yet, but that doesn't bother me, because I spend very little time making the money I need to live decently on. So the rest of my time is free to do anything else. And I'm free to pick now that money isn't a consideration anymore! I can make soap balloons in the bath tub one day if I want to - nothing is lost.

But see, I recognise now that my time spent working was pretty much useless. Very little help. I worked as an engineer. Do I know how to do accounting because of it? No. Do you I know business law because of it? No. Do I know how to hire people, how to write a contract, etc? No. I literarily don't know anything except a tiny part of something huge because of my job. (now I've been learning these things on the side, but certainly not as a result of my job) And the truth is, you will never know all the things you need in order to be free and financially independent. You'll have cursory knowledge of it - but the challenge is always growing your own support network. You need a contract - ok, you need a lawyer, and you need him cheap. Otherwise you need to draft one yourself which is good enough for whatever you need - it doesn't have to be perfect. And you do actually have the brain to do it - that lawyer who drafts it for you has the same brain you have, only that he has the confidence to trust his brain, and you don't. If you want freedom it's all about building an intelligent mechanism through which you can earn money quickly - with little time investment.

I have a family friend who is a big businessman. He's very rich now. And he told me along those lines - "you know, I don't give a fuck nowadays - I literarily don't do anything. I say I wanna build a mall, and I have 4-5 architects coming with plans, elevations sketches, etc. for free to persuade me to build their scheme. When I see them coming by themselves, I think I'm the shit and they're the flies! It's so easy - and then I just show my revenue, and all banks wanna loan me money. All lawyers want to work with me. All options are presented to me. I literarily do something that a child could do. All that the child needs is to be the owner of an entity with high revenue". The only reason he even needs to be at his office is for show - just so that people see him. Otherwise he signs papers given to him by his accountants and lawyers, goes to a few meetings, etc. And funny thing is that he started on the road to reach financial freedom a nobody illegally selling flowers on the street.

And once you reach financial freedom, then you're free to do whatever you really want to - regardless of what it is. You can read philosophy all day if that's what pleases you. You can write a book no one will read if that's what pleases you - and so forth.

I don't feel as though my life is meaningless. I live and try and help my mother however I can. From a biological standpoint, I see no reason to interact with people anymore. Neither do I want any women in my life? Philosophy seems to help me; but, it's like I've reached all the answers I was searching for in my life and am content with everything — Question

Yes this is the effect of the SSRIs. I've been on them and they do more harm than good - they make one like a vegetable, without any desires. I would advise meeting with your psychiatrist, and making a plan together with them to go off the SSRIs. It can be a long term plan. Say you will go off off them in two years. But still, you gotta make a plan and then work it out. You offer the long-term possibility to let your psychiatrist feel that they have control - you need to be a little bit tricky with them. If you say you wanna just quit them, then they'll be like "No no no, that is impossible, yadda yadda". So that's why you say that over quite some time you would like to make a plan to go off them. Then they will agree.

All they want me to do is find some new behavioral patterns and immerse myself in some activities. — Question

Yeah what idiots psychiatrists are. When they give you chemicals which make you feel good sitting in a chair, why the hell would you go out there and immerse yourself in some activities? You're already feeling good sitting in the chair

I'm just wary of life and want something certain in my life that is less trivial than the day to day mundane/repetitive/boring — Question

This is just the effect of the medication. As you're no longer experiencing the negative emotions you would otherwise experience, you are experiencing boredom. The negative emotions were trying to tell you something. Now that has been removed, but the underlying problem has not been solved. So another manifestation of it has come up - boredom.

What should I do? Where is this desire originating from? Fuck, life seems pointless and with no purpose. I've read all the self-help books I can and there really isn't an inkling of desire to want to go back to them. — Question

Quit the medication. Find a PSYCHOLOGIST on the side. He will be helpful in battling the psychiatrist, and teaching you how to cope without medication. Screw self-help - what you need much more is to actually experience the emotions of the real you - who is currently suppressed by all these drugs. These emotions will give you a desire to live and to do great things.

And the other advice is listen to BitterCrank and don't listen to anyone else but him in this thread - they've given you some shit advice, which is the politically correct "oh seek professional help" - that's their way of saying "I don't wanna feel responsible, I don't wanna help". And there's also one who recommended reading the mystics - as if that does anything in such a situation. :s

To be fair, I'm not all that young anymore (26). I've tried the military (wanted to become a Navy nuclear engineer; but, ended up in the Air Force) and college (a degree in economics). But, I want to go back to college; but, I guess it's my low self-esteem telling you otherwise in the above post and such. I don't feel depressed as others might tell you I am.

Some people just decide to commit suicide, like that, no strings attached. I can already quell some fears in this thread that I won't be doing it. My emotions are fluctuating a little too much since I've come out of depression (I can feel it). I have something to strive towards (the previous topic on majoring in philosophy), it's just that my behavior hasn't adjusted or my negative thought loops are getting rewired.

I will give it some time and see how I feel in a month or so.

Yes, I'm on some pretty heavy drugs (not street drugs) that have helped me in the past; but, as you say am seriously considering getting off them to get in touch with my emotions again. I don't feel hopeless, even though I'm in quite a bind financially from the debt I racked up in college and otherwise...


Thanks for the advice Agustino. A while ago Wittgenstein inspired me to become an engineer; but, learning as I'm not all that great at math (I'm pretty good; but, like I said not great). I'll focus more on thinking less about my emotions and trying to fulfill my dreams of being a professional philosopher.

Cheers and best regards.

Thanks again for the support and advice everyone. You guys instill a positive belief in humanity despite all the negativity about it that one can notice nowadays.

To be fair, I'm not all that young anymore (26). — Question

My apologies!

But, I want to go back to college; but, I guess it's my low self-esteem telling you otherwise in the above post and such. I don't feel depressed as others might tell you I am. — Question

Yes, these are issues a psychologist, especially a good one, could be very helpful with! This is most important to deal with in order to get your life back and feel great once again! (Y)

Yes, I'm on some pretty heavy drugs (not street drugs) that have helped me in the past; but, as you say am seriously considering getting off them to get in touch with my emotions again. — Question

Good! This is what I like to see! Take ownership of who you are and of your situation! I'm sure if you develop this confidence in yourself, and your self-esteem, you will be able to achieve great things! You will most certainly surprise yourself by what you can do, and how good you can feel! :)

Thanks for the advice Agustino. A while ago Wittgenstein inspired me to become an engineer; but, learning as I'm not all that great at math (I'm pretty good; but, like I said not great). I'll focus more on thinking less about my emotions and trying to fulfill my dreams of being a professional philosopher. — Question

I've done very little math as an engineer actually in university from what I remember - i was surprised compared to my expectations haha :)

Cognitive behavior therapy works (CBT) it is (I think) a temporary but quick fix. In it you'll accept the premises offered by the therapist and the therapist will work with you, helping you to accept them. It comes in a lot of different forms and these forms can be combined. it can be done in person, by phone and over the internet,

The long term idea is not to try to understand your predicament, it is to change what you demand and what you desire, which will take a lot more time and effort, and the right psychiatric help, help that meshes well with your personality. You need to find some one that will work with you on your own terms and not their terms. It will help you find the source of your issues, but it is not about understanding these sources, it is about accepting them, it is about change.

And there's also one who recommended reading the mystics - as if that does anything in such a situation.

Yeah, as if you would know what may or may not help an individual in a unique situation. It was offered as one among a number of suggested activities that may inspire a different feeling for life; nothing more than that.

And on top of that mistaking Question as someone just out of school and dictating as to who to listen to instead of allowing him or her to take from the suggestions offered what he or she will. Another example of your egregious tendency to jump to erroneous conclusions and unwarranted generalizations.
:-}

To be fair, I'm not all that young anymore (26). — Question

Good one.

Sounds like you're world-weary. Weltschmerz. The feeling of experience as "heavy", or "syrupy". I wouldn't even call it listlessness or ennui. You're just kinda "there", existing, somehow. Life flows but incredibly slowly, one heartbeat after another. As if your life is an exile from non-existence and you just want to retire already. Responsibilities are tedious and annoying, things you used to find enjoyable are now sort of empty and lackluster.

You said you used to be an engineer. That's cool, I'm currently pursuing an electrical/computer engineering degree with a minor in philosophy. You'd never guess what my private life is like if you saw me in public - I'm a pretty chill guy, albeit melancholic, and like making people laugh. Yet when I'm by myself I'm troubled deeply by many rather scary or dark thoughts, existential and/or intrusive in nature. It's like I become a different person, and the void begins to open. I want to be upbeat but it's hard to find any genuine or authentic reason to, especially when I have these thoughts nagging me. I'm not suicidal (or at least I don't think I am), but neither am I that attached to my future, whatever the hell that ends up being.

I don't know, if you're on medication I'd keep taking it and make sure you're taking care of yourself. I find some consolation in philosophy; lately I've been reading Nietzsche a lot and do enjoy his almost mythological aphorisms. Sometimes they spark something on fire in me and it's like I'm reinvigorated. A lot of people misunderstand and/or mischaracterize Nietzsche, though, which is unfortunate. Maybe you'll find something of interest in his writings. Or maybe not.

Good luck.

I might look like I'm 26; but, boy do I not feel or behave like someone my age. No sex at my age, how's that for a good one? Ha ha, ha... ha... heh, ehh.

Weltschmerz, I can subscribe to that.

I've held that desires are by default unattainable. So, I suppress or leave them unfulfilled. Time to move to Tibet I guess?

You said you used to be an engineer. — darthbarracuda

Oh, no I wish I was one and wanted to be one in the past; but, I'm going full force into philosophy now.

Yet when I'm by myself I'm troubled deeply by many rather scary or dark thoughts, existential and/or intrusive in nature. — darthbarracuda

I've read up on that. It's called the "default mode network" and it usually engages when one is not doing something that requires external input or feedback. I've found CBT helps keep thoughts in check in case you experience the perils of a negative/ruminative DMN.

I don't know, if you're on medication I'd keep taking it and make sure you're taking care of yourself. — darthbarracuda

Well, maybe I've been on too many medications for too long. I might try and talk with my doctor and see what he can recommend. I want to personally switch my medication to something less flattering. Maybe it's time to feel emotions again? I liked feeling non-emotional on SSRI's and amphetamine salts (I'd practically just be a robot doing stuff not paying attention to internal BS), but, I mean you can't push all your emotions down some hole and expect them to disappear.

Nietzsche — darthbarracuda

Ahh, Nietzsche, good ol Nietzsche addressing the Dionysian needs. Might try reading up on him again. I stopped on his 'Thus Sprach Zarathustra"...

Might give him a try again.

Fuck — Question

*sigh*

life seems pointless and with no purpose — Question

Your crutch is the word "seems" here. Find out what is before you make a decision about what seems. Otherwise you will have made a rash, ill-informed decision.

Your crutch is the word "seems" here. Find out what is before you make a decision about what seems. Otherwise you will have made a rash, ill-informed decision. — Thorongil

Well, it indicates my skepticism in the assertions proposed by my maladaptive and twisted beliefs, I guess that is a good thing? CBT has taught me something at the end of the day...

I've been trying to find solace in logotherapy and find it the best of all therapy's. You can't really expect anything positive without something to strive towards. Hence, I believe CBT can be ineffectual in many cases due to the subject feeling stuck with one's emotions and as if in a never ending war in addressing them, that is negative thought patterns.

My lack of self-esteem or a low sense of confidence is having a party in this thread, can someone lock it now?

Yes, I'm on some pretty heavy drugs (not street drugs) that have helped me in the past; but, as you say am seriously considering getting off them to get in touch with my emotions again. — Question

I don't know whether it is a good idea or not to get off your drugs, but IF you should decide to go off your meds, don't do it abruptly -- take plenty of time and taper off. The result of just dropping your meds all at once can be extremely harsh.

I've been on antidepressants and or anti-anxiety meds for a long time--30 years, just about. Old tricyclics, Trazadone, Xanax, Paxil, Zoloft, Serzone, and now Effexor. Serzone and Effexor worked the best and of those two, Effexor has been most effective. I've felt very good for quite a few years. I didn't feel suicidal at the bottom of my trough 15 - 20 years ago, I felt more like murder -- lots of rage, intense irritability, anger, and all that.

I definitely was -- still am I suppose to some extent -- suffering from major depression--the organic condition. But I was mostly depressed as a result of life decisions that had not worked out well for me. I was not a "victim" of my thinking, but if one wants to be a free spirit, and if one is entertaining all sorts of radical ideas, then taking jobs in workplaces that are very conventional and regimented is a formula for lots of unhappiness.

Once I decided to quit working about 10 years ago, I experienced a rapid improvement in my mental health and a sharp decline in my need for sleeping medications, tranquilizers, and fairly high doses of antidepressants. The last two jobs had come very close to driving me completely crazy.

I had the mental machinery for depression before I was 26. What I didn't have (despite studying psychology) was the self-recognition that my mental health, aspirations, and decision making were totally out of sync. It took decades to get that through my thick skull. (Of course, back in the 1960s psychiatry was not as effective as it is now, had I availed myself of its services, which fortunately I did not).